The Family Room of Humanity

It's Christmas Eve and I'm at my parent's house in Marietta, GA. So far the break has been a whirlwind of shopping, wrapping paper, cooking, family and friends and longing. Longing for perfection I think. I just wish it was easier to love people. Why is it so easy to love and accept your friends with all their faults and imperfections and so hard to love your family. It's just hard to stay engaged, committed to not just showing up to family functions but committed to actively loving, serving and being involved in people's lives. It's easier to watch tv, write on my blog, check my facebook, or listen to music than it is to have meaningful conversation. Maybe the reason its so hard is: #1 I'm selfish #2 I the people who are closest to you and know you the best have the greatest power to hurt you, even with a look, or a few words #3 I like to be the one to decide who and who is not going to be close to me and with family you don't decide. But my family needs love and encouragement just as much as any student that I minister to, and because I do know all their junk and because their junk has affected me, my love for them is probably that much more powerful. Alright... big gulps, Lord help me to stay engaged and thank you for not being a distant God but for being a God who came down into the family room of humanity and loved on dirty people who really wanted to shut you out. Thank you for breaking through the walls and barriers in my heart with your love. Help me to be like You Jesus help me to love my family where they are- in the family room, here I go....

Burning down the House

I think too much... I mean I really enjoy thinking but overthinking is just unhealthy. Failure is not something I enjoy, I like to be in control and I hate to be in situations where I don't know the outcome. Recently there's been quite a failure in my life and I've gotta stop thinking about it, and ask the Lord to help me learn from it. Nice... this song - Control Freak by Copeland just started playing, how appropriate.

“To fail is a natural consequence of trying, To succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying”
David Viscott

" Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing."-- Denis Waitley

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.- George Bernard Shaw

"You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there." -- Edwin Louis Cole

“Remember the two benefits of failure. First, if you do fail, you learn what doesn't work; and second, the failure gives you the opportunity to try a new approach.”
Roger Von Oech

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
Sven Goran Eriksson

My So- Called Life

All I can do is laugh. My life is one big fat pickle. My parents have tag-teamed two yelling sessions at me this week, once for almost getting a puppy and secondly for having no car insurance (whoops!). Tonight I did my last bible study of the semester with the Alpha Gammas and I got so tongue-tied that I'm not sure if I made any sense and we had a potluck dinner beforehand and I didn't have the money to buy anything so I made stuff that I had around the house (hotdogs, a mystery rice mixture, and corn- it was a poor man's potluck). I invited one of my best friend's to a semi-formal Christmas party this weekend and she was so excited and she bought a new dress. Then I found out that I had forgotten that I'd bought concert tickets for a show on that night like 2 months earlier so I wouldn't be able to go. AAAAAAH! I can't seem to get anything right this week. I'm having a little trouble trying to figure out how to be a responsible adult. It seems like there's just so many things to think about and take care of. What is responsible. Well, responsible means worthy of trust or held accountable (I looked it up). Held accountable- that sounds scary. Anyways, you wouldn't believe what happened in our house last night. We killed a full grown rat with our rat trap. Its been terrorizing us, everytime we turned around it was in our kitchen , bathroom, and Saturday night it slid under my bedroom door. So, I bought some mouse traps and 1 rat trap just in case. We put it in the kitchen and less than an hour later we were all getting ready for bed and we heard the trap go off and the twitching of a rat body. After next semester I'm seriously considering a move. Matt has been telling me that I need to take more chances, that I don't take any risks, that I don't give myself room enough to fail big and learn from it. I think that sounds good I mean I'd love to try something risky that could either be really good or terribly bad, but I don't really know what that would look like. Most of the risk that comes into my life comes from my forgetfulness or because I've ignored something I should have dealt with. Oh well, I'm growing - baby steps right? Baby steps.

Layers

I ought to be asleep right now because I gotta get up early but I'd rather write. Its been a good day. I went to the Caf and collected Christmas Conference money, met with two girls, then I took one of the girls I meet with out for a very belated birthday dinner, and afterwards went and hung out with a few DG'S for a little while. Its crazy, the more I get involved in people's lives the more I learn. It seems like the people who seem the strongest, and the toughest are the most soft- hearted and sensitive. They put on that hard exterior because they don't want to get hurt. Today I was hanging out with one of the girls and she's just telling me about what's going on in her life and she keeps just losing it and crying, and I couldn't help but cry with her. To just about everyone on campus she's a girl who's witty and sarcastic. They think she's able to hold her own and that she won't take crap from anyone but it was so sweet for me to see her heart today. I think most people are like her, at least I am. We erect all sorts of walls whether it's witt and sarcasm, or silence, always having to look a certain way, or say things that are interesting and intelligent, making people laugh, or being really helpful. We're afraid that who we really are isn't enough, like once people peel back the layers of false identity all they'll find is a plain white piece of paper. It's funny though, when I see the honest, vulnerable, non-performance, non-selfconcious side of these ladies, it makes me love them more.

Jesus

There's a name that secretly repulses alot of people. Sometimes its hard for me to say it without feeling cheesy like a youth pastor or a blue haired tele-evangelist. But Jesus is life. I've been thinking alot about the purpose of life alot lately. If Christ is life then it makes sense that the whole world was created by Him, through Him, and for Him. Its crazy to think that if the world was created to glorify (honor, bring high praise to) God through Jesus Christ, the Fall was not an accident. Jesus is glorified through the grace (free gift) He pours out on those who believe. If there was nothing to save we could never understand the full beauty if who God is.

And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.
(Joh 17:3)

So here's the pull. If real life, eternal life is found in knowing God through Jesus Christ, why is it so easy to be blinded by the world and my own desires. The last thing I want to do sometimes is get alone and talk to God. I get so concerned about missing out on real living while I'm out in Montevallo but I can have Christ just as much here as anywhere else. In coming to earth Christ came and showed us a perfect life. He showed us how God intended man to live- in constant communion with the Father, sacrificing it all for other people.

I've been trying really hard to do all of this. But I think the whole point of Christ's life was to show us that we can't. It's so funny when you hear people talk about their shortcomings alot of times you'll hear someone say- "Well, I'm not Jesus"- and its true. I feel like I'm killing myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally trying to be Jesus. God doesn't ask me to be Jesus, He asks me to love Him with everything I've got. It's so much easier to love myself, or the thought of marriage, or cute clothes, or good music and just hold God at an arm's distance while I try to be good for Him on the outside. He wants me to let Him inside the most intimate places of my heart and He wants to have first place there. He doesn't want a maid, He wants a wife.

Jesus answered, "The most important is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'
(Mar 12:29-30)

My focus should be on loving my God.
"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."
(2Co 3:18)

I don't have to force myself kicking and screaming to be the perfect Christian. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. As I look on Him with eyes of love, I become like Him. If you spend enough time with anyone you love you pick up their mannerisms, you know what they like, you start seeing the world through their eyes. The thought that's made me want to love and know Christ more lately is that everything I love about a beautiful landscape, a cool piece of art, a really interesting guy, a good run- everything that's good on this earth is just a shadow or a really faint reflection of the beauty, satisfaction and love of Christ. He is good.

How relevant is too relevant?

This weekend has been fun and way too short. Last night I stayed out till 3am salsa dancing with Hooper and TJ. I love those girls. Can dancing with attractive Latino men really be classified as work?- yes, yes indeed. Well tonight after a long nap I went to Bwood for Sunday night service and then afterwards I went to the Singles Thanksgiving dinner. Holy social awkwardness! I went by myself and usually it doesn't bother me to go places by myself but tonight was just weird. Girls are really hard to get to know, especially in that kind of environment where everyone comes with their friends and they're comfortable with the friends they already have. So something crazy happened tonight, I talked to boys for half the night. And just when I was getting bored with surfacy chit chat this guy started talking to me about the insider movement in missions it was pretty dang interesting. When I first heard about the movement I was pretty skeptical and I must admit that I'm still not completely sure if I agree with it but I'm definitely interested in learning more. Here's the gist of it: Many missionaries are noticing that its not really Jesus that people are against its Western culture. They associate the term Christianity with everything from George Bush to the Crusades. So missionaries are taking out the middle man in a sense they are meeting Islamic people where they are. The Koran contains somewhere close to 70% of the Bible. So they are teaching them about Jesus through the Koran. But here's the thing I'm debating- when a Muslim becomes a follower of Jesus they don't stop going to the mosque, they don't get baptised or practice the sacraments, they stay in their culture as worshippers of Jesus and they share their beliefs with the people in their communities. They guy I was talking to was telling me about an entire mosque that had become worshippers of Jesus but still prayed 5 times a day toward Mecca and followed alot of cultural practices that weren't forbidden in the Bible. Ok, what I'm afraid about is syncretism. Symcretism is the attempt to meld together opposing beliefs. The Isrealites did it alot in the Old Testament and they were disciplined severely for it. Jesus + works in the East or Jesus + Money in the West - neither of those equal eternal life. I think the insider movement would make it easy for followers of Christ to just add Him on as a bonus to their faith. Where is there room to say that Hinduism, Mormonism, Islam, etc. are false and that their followers are unknowingly following Satan. I think it'd also be easy to use the insider movement as a safe and easy way to dodge persecution. What does God mean when He says come out from them and be seperate. All that to say I want to learn and think more about it. If you have any thoughts please let me know.

Well, it's Saturday and I'm laying in bed eating an apple and some hummus I made from an instant pack. It comes in a dry powdery form and you are supposed to mix it with warm water and olive oil, which I did but it still tastes powdery. I added cayenne pepper and sour cream to see if I could mask the powder but it didn't help. I gotta learn how to make that stuff from scratch. I spent the night last night with a good friend. Our relationship has been pretty rocky the last couple of months and yesterday we just got all our crap out on the table. It was so good. here is so much freedom in confessing the crap you've been thinking and feeling toward one another. I'm learning so much about what it means to love people and be committed to them. In relationships of every kind, dissapointment is inevitable. I can either push people away when they don't live up to my expectations and live a lonely, solitary life. Or I can be honest with myself about my own failures and see that demanding perfection from anyone is insane. All that to say Friday night was so good- I can see why Satan doen't want us to be friends.

Moni Hill

This weekend we had to go on a roadtrip so we could make a video for Christmas conference. We went to Asheville, NC. Asheville is this great artsy little town nestled in the Blue Ridge mountains. They had a little outdoor market Saturday morning where I met a woman named Moni. She is a full-time stay at home mom who paints when her children are napping or down for the night. She was selling her paintings. She's got a simple one dimensional style that she pairs with bright happy colors, very much a folk artist. It was inspiring. I bought one of her small $15 pieces (I really shouldn't have since I really didn't have the money). I just couldn't talk to her and be inspired by her and not support her.

I'm not content, I'm distracted

Tired. Suprise suprise, its the middle of the semester. Tonight I'm supposed to be going to a Halloween party. I'm glad because I'll be hanging out with people but at the same time I'd love to just spend the night watching movies and just talking at my house. Last week I felt great, then Traci came and spent the night with me. She talked to me about my schedule and my life and I just broke down. Its easy to feel great when you won't allow yourself time to really get still. I need help. I really wish I had someone to tell me what to do and when to do it all the time. I just don't trust myself. The crazy thing is that the Lord wants to be the One to tell me all this stuff and I feel like I don't even know how to listen to Him. Love, loving people is my job but I feel like I'm starved for it myself. I am my own worst enemy, I keep erecting walls of performance between God and myself. Its like I come to Him with my hands full of all my works and He's trying to embrace me but He can't because of all the stuff in my hands. I'm scared that if I let it drop I'll become lazy.

All the right reasons

I'm back in the living room, and I'm sprawled out on the couch in my sweatpants listening to the new John Mayer cd. I love it, its kind of jazzy but I love jazzy. If you don't want to get the whole album check out: The Heart of Life, Stop this Train and Bold as Love (Jimi Hendrix cover). Bold As Love, I like the sound of that. I'm supposed to be writing my weekly report right now but my brain is fried so I'm emptying it here on my blog before I proceed. There's this question on the report that I hate to answer- What's been motivating you in ministry this week? I never have good answers. I always have to say ugly things like fear and ambition with a little love mixed in. My heartbeat is fear. Fear keeps me working ridiculously long hours. It makes me ignore things I feel like I can't deal with. It shuts my mouth and averts my eyes when I really want to connect with someone.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
(1Jo 4:18)

I haven't been perfected in love but I want to be. Christ's love was bold. He died naked in the face of the jeers and the spit of the people he came to save. He loves me eventhough I can't imagine how His love can be stronger than romantic love. He's bold, He's bold as love. “Love is as hard as nails, it is nails”- C.S. Lewis

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell. --C.S. Lewis

Thanksgiving

I'm home in Marietta this weekend for Thanksgiving. You may think that the Jett family has gotten its months mixed up but we know its October. My brother, Jason, works at Disney World in Orlando in their Resort Sales Department. Since there are so many people who come to the park during the holidays he can't come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, so we are happy to accomodate our holidays around his schedule. I left Montevallo around 7:30 or 8pm last night and seriously almost fell asleep at the wheel about 400 times. I know one thing for sure- the Lord still has things for me to do here on earth. I did that head nod thing the whole way to Georgia and I almost hit a couple of cars in the lanes next to me- ha ha! I am no good at night driving.
The past month or so of my life has been amazingly peaceful. Nothing major has really changed. I'm still busy, I still live and work in Montevallo, Alabama but I don't know I guess God is just starting to cure me of the disease my friends call ATMS (Afraid to miss something). I'm beginning to believe that I'm exactly where He wants me to be, and I really do love little Montevallo. I love the Peach pear smoothies at Eclipse, the cheese dip at Zappopan. I love knowing the waiters and waitresses at both of those local hangouts. I love chilling out and drinking Earl Grey tea with Joey, Camilla, Stacey, Hooper, and Corey in Peck. I love watching my roomies try on 50 different outfits and helping them decide what they want to wear for a night out on the town. I love table hopping in the Caf.
I haven't had a chance to dance very much lately. I don't know why its so important to me but I miss it. I feel like dancing is a visual and physical expression of ecstatic happiness. That's why I think that no graduation, birthday, wedding, New Year's Eve celebration... is ever truly complete without at least a little personal dance party. I've caught myself dancing in the bathroom if I'm having a really good time at a friends house. Not like I go in there just to dance but just while I'm fixing my hair or washing my hands at the sink I'll just dance it out for a couple of seconds. Anyways... Happy Thanksgiving people!

Orlando and everything after

Its been a busy and crazy month. I've been traveling alot and that's going to continue - I've been to Orlando where I visited my brother, stayed with my friend Heather from college, and caught the Montevallo lady Falcons playing soccer at Rollins college. Last weekend I went to Florence, Alabama for a staff women's retreat. The CO directors surprised us by giving us all free massages (there's a really funny story that goes along with this- ask me). This weekend I'm hanging out in and near Montevallo. Next weekend I'm going home to visit the family in Marietta, GA and the week after that our whole staff team will be flying out to Minneapolis to attend the Piper conference on Postmodern culture (which I'm so excited about I could pee my pants).
Meanwhile, during the week I'm hanging out and meeting with different students at Montevallo. Its been a really good school year so far. There is just a ton of spiritual interest on campus and God keeps bringing girls that need to hear about Him across my path. I feel like God is just moving me into a new stage of life. It seems like my life has just been really well insulated. Living in the suburbs with my movies, my music, my friends, so many of these things were just a barrier between me and the harsher side of life. It's not like my life is all that hard but God is just making me dissatisfied with the things I normally turn to for comfort, happiness, and just as a way of escape. Its so easy for me to use food, crushes, shopping and a million other things to make me forget about what's really going on in my life.
I am really thankful for this time in my life, eventhough its kinda painful. Even training for a marathon is teaching me to persevere through pain. God really is using all of the dissatisfaction I feel to make my heart singleheartedly devoted to Him. He won't let me be satisfied with anything less than Himself.

For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the LORD has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you," says the LORD, your Redeemer. "This is like the days of Noah to me: as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you, and will not rebuke you. For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
(Isa 54:5-10)

“Pain is not something most people like. That is why we run from it as fast as we can. That is also why we aren’t free. Jesus hardly ever goes to those places where we run. When pain comes (or when we fear that it will come), don’t run away. Run to it, and you will find you have run into the arms of Jesus. In other words, buck up, face it, embrace it, and know that you and Jesus can deal with it. Then you will laugh and dance in the freedom and the reality of God’s sufficiency and the power that becomes awesome in your weakness.” Steve Brown, A Scandalous Freedom

“In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us- that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking something besides Him, we lose it.” – Brennan Manning (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

Rough Draft

Here's a rough beyond rough draft of a poem I'm working on.

Illusions

Loving an idea, a theory
Like loving the dolls in plastic packaging
Well-groomed,
well-versed, well-dressed,
well- adjusted, well- prepared, and well-balanced

Cohabitating with shadows, shells
Beckoning them to life
Pulling strings and speaking words
As they whisk around with their heavy hollow heads

In smiling faces and warm hands there’s chance
Chance they’ll open the shiny paper of soul to find a plain white piece of paper
And me scratching hollow cavern bareness

Silhouetted ideals, they call to me
In crowded rooms, to silence
And in the car, convincing me to press ignore to stop the ringing
Grasping the blackness of elusive desert mirages with naked hands,
Until I know alone.

Square One

This is the first time in a while that I've actually felt like writing. Oh gosh, life has been really interesting this week. As always I simply have no idea what I'm doing. I've fumbled my way through the gospel and my testimony a few times this week but it hasn't really rung true. Maybe I shouldn't be a professional Christian. The only thing I can think to do is love people, I don't have the mind of a strategist. As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I've double booked myself tommorrow at 2pm and both girls would be dissapointed if I canceled. AAAH! There is just so much need and I am completely insufficient to fill all of it. I don't know how to prioritize. I think its easy in this job to look at people and sort of think how they are connected with other people and whether or not they can get you "in" with certain groups instead of seeing people for who they are and trusting God to move the way He wants to move, I am definitely guilty of doing this. I mean I can barely talk to a male student for over 5 minutes without feeling guilty. Boys have souls too, they need to hear the gospel and they need encouragementt just the same as anyone else. Who am I working for? Am I working to see quick and measurable results so I can feel good about myself or am I working for a Sovereign God who brings people into my life and saves them in such a way that I can take none of the credit. Am I building God's kingdom or Renee's? Am I more concerned about what I'll look like in front of my colleagues than I am about the souls of girls on campus? My heart is not broken. If I was God I probably wouldn't choose fishermen as my disciples, I'd have been really smart and gone for the Pharisees or Saducees. Better yet I would've gone to the Roman officials, people with some serious social muscle. I just feel like I need to begin ministering out of a place of conviction. Do I think having a target group is Biblical? What is an influential person? I'm back to the drawing board, I ought to just make a home here.

Gearing Up

Deep breath...Alright my work schedule is going to get a little intense starting next week. Why is it that I feel so much pressure? Well, I'm afraid to make mistakes and fail (I don't trust God to get the work He wants done through me). It's a little intimidating, I've got no one to tell me exactly what needs to be done everyday. I don't have the strength to be as bold as I need to be. I'm not that good at sharing my faith and even worse at actually living it out. I don't want to just exist, I want to make an impact.
I think the problem is that my eyes are fixed on me and all my inadequacies instead of on the sufficiency of Christ.I've posted these verses before but they're so good I'm posting them again.

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.
(2Pe 1:2-10)

Confessions of a Cornbread Junkie

I'm back from 9 days of Return Training + Staff Fellowship. Steph dropped me off in Montevallo around 3 or 4pm today, so I've been washing clothes, and hanging out on the couch eating cornbread and drinking milk. I really may be addicted to cornbread. Short-term additction is becoming an odd pattern in my life. For some reason I just get fixated on something and I just can't get enough. Right now its that cheap Jiffy goodness. I mean you can't beat it. If you've got 50 cents, an egg and 1/3 cup of milk you too can enjoy sweet satisfying taste of cornbread muffins. Unfortunately, the ones I made tonight were a little dry because I left them in the oven 3 minutes too long, but its alright. Return training and staff fellowship went really well. I've still got alot of work to do before the semester starts but at least now I've got some direction and vision. I got a new digital camera last month so I'm going to show you a few of my favorite pics from the summer.
These are some of the coolest girls that live in Montevallo, Alabama.
Nikki and Steph in the grocery store as we attempted to plan and cook dinner for 10.
I love Ginny and Amy Barrett! I took this pic on a Sunday afternoon while I was having fun and exploring the Homewood buisness district. I love the color scheme in O'Carrs, I can't wait to eat there if I'm ever in the area when they're open.

The Deception of Fear

Alright this is going to sound a little weird but... I had this dream a couple of weeks ago. In the dream I was mowing the front lawn at my parents house and as I'm mowing the lawn I see this huge snakeskin and suddenly this huge snake is chasing me up the driveway. At that point I jarred myself awake because I was so afraid. I'm not really interested in getting caught by a snake, even if it's just in Dreamland. I never remember my dreams but this one is sticking with me. Maybe its dumb to try to interpret your dreams but I can't help but think that Satan really is trying to discourage me or chase me away from what I'm doing or something like that, or maybe the snake was just a metaphor for all my fears. God's really been showing me alot lately about how afraid I am about everything really.

It's kinda silly but lately I've been seeing how fear plays out in my life in a million little ways. I'll be running and I'll pass a man on the street and suddenly get scared that he's going to attack me so I'll have to look behind me real quick when I pass him to make sure he's not gonna try a sneak attack from the back (as if simply looking at him is really going to stop him). Or I'll be about to go to a meeting and just start getting scared everything is going to be unbearably hard. Sometimes I even just refuse to answer my cellphone for days at a time because I'm scared that everyone who calls will want to talk for two hours. Mostly I'm just overwhelmed and afraid that I'm not capable of making the right decisions and doing what it is that God wants me to do.

I think I've been focusing so long on my total depravity (which yes, apart from Christ I am totally depraved) that I've forgotten about the riches of what I have now that I'm in Christ. Check out this passage:
May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
(2Pe 1:2-11)

I think that fear overtakes me when I get so caught up in my life that I become nearsighted and I forget that I've been cleansed from my former sins. I start wallowing in them and I don't believe I can do anything right when I'm looking at all my failures. Through Christ I am a partaker in the divine nature. I am more than a conqueror. I have all that I need to do what I was born to do because I have Christ. The end of all this life, the end of this world, and the future of all mankind is Christ, and I have Him as my own. Do I believe that? Do I live like it?

I heard a great story last Sunday at one of the churches I went to. One day Martin Luther was incredibly discouraged, so his wife dressed herself in all black. When he saw her working around the house in those clothes he asked, "Where are you going?", and she said, "nowhere". So he replied, "Then why are you dressed like that?" and she said, "Because God is dead!". Then he got really mad that she said that so she said, "well, if God is alive then live like it." I have a form of godliness but too often I deny its power. God is alive and well and working. If God is for us, who can be against us?

"...our problem as human beings is deeper than the individual sins we commit each day, creating the specific problems that complicate our lives. Our deepest problem is that we seek to find our identity outside the story of redemption. If the entire goal and direction of our lives are wrong, we need much more than practical advice on how to do the right thing in a particular situation. We need a message big enough to overcome our natural human instinct to live for our own glory, pursue our own happiness, and forget that our lives are much, much bigger than this little moment of life. Every day in some way, we buy the lies of autonomy and self-sufficiency, worshiping the creation rather than the Creator." - Paul Tripp (Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands)

The Zen Of Housework

By Al Zolynas

I look over my shoulder
down my arms
to where they disappear under water
into hands inside pink rubber gloves
moiling among dinner dishes.

My hands lift a wine glass,
holding it by the stem and under the bowl.
It breaks the surface
like a chalice
rising from a medieval lake.

Full of the grey wine
of domesticity, the glass floats
to the level of my eyes.
Behind it, through the window
above the sink, the sun, among
a ceremony of sparrows and bare branches,
is setting in Western America.

I can see thousands of droplets
of steam- each a tiny spectrum- rising
from my goblet of grey wine.
They sway, changing directions
constantly- like a school of playful fish,
or like the sheer curtain
on the window to another world.

Ah, grey sacrament of the mundane!

An Unwelcome Guest

The word cancer has suddenly become real to me in the past couple of days. Usually when someone tells me that their grandmother or friend or father has cancer I say, "I'm really sorry" and I act kinda concerned but I don't really give it much thought. Last Wednesday night my mom was rushed to the ICU of our local hospital because her doctor found that her white blood cell count was dangerously high. They told us that she has leukemia. It came as a total shock to me. I knew she'd been having bad headaches and that she'd seen a couple of doctors but I just figured it was migraines.
I don't really believe this is happening. I came back to Georgia today to check on her and bring her some books to read while she's in the hospital. It's really hard seeing her with so many tubes all over the place but I'm so encouraged by her attitude. She's really trusting that the Lord will heal her. She's also been making friends with all the doctors and nurses. When my dad and I came in tonight to visit her a nurse named Barbara was in her room chatting it up with her and she'd brought her all kind of gifts from home like fresh fruit, chocolate, a book, and a journal. Inside the cover of the red journal Barbara had written- "From one control freak to another".
I love it. I can just imagine my mom sitting up late talking to this lady about life and encouraging her just like she's encouraged me so many times. Its really blown me away. The Sunday before my mom was admitted into the hospital I went to church with my parents at our "crazy" Pentecostal church. The pastor preached a pretty good sermon about witnessing (evangelism). When I went to visit my mom for the first time the first thing she said to me when I got into her room was "I've been able to witness twice since I've been here, I know God has me here for a reason." She's always been the kind of woman who wasn't scared to talk about Jesus anytime, any place, and she's no different in the hospital. I told my mom tonight that she reminds me of Paul in Philippians 1:12-13 when he says, "I want you to know brothers that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ." Though I would change the wording to say something like what has happened to my mom has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole intensive care unit and to all the rest that her hospitalization is for Christ.
She told me tonight that she's trusting God for a full recovery. I want to believe that God will do it but Lord help my unbelief! When I got home from the hospital tonight my sister asked me to pray with her. I think its the first time we've ever prayed together. I don't know what's going to happen. Tonight as I was leaving my mom said, "Well, I'll see you in a couple of months (that shows you how much I've been home in the past year), and I was like, "you'll see me alot sooner than that." She really wants everything to be life as usual but it can't be life as usual. It'd be easy for me to go back to Montevallo and get so involved in my work and my life that I forget the seriousness of what's going on here at home. I don't want to do that.

Up to Speed

I got back in town yesterday and its been good to be back. My time at home was so nice. The first week I just relaxed with my parents.They are hilarious in their own way. My dad's really quiet, he just retired but he was an engineer for over 35 years, I think he's a pretty smart guy. Then there's my mom who is crazy and outspoken and will talk to just about anyone about anything. They've got a really funny dynamic going on. Anyways they tag teamed me while I was home and convinced me that I need to write out a budget and stick to it, and that I really need to be careful about what I eat. They are so funny, at 4pm everyday they watch Oprah togteher. So one day she had this big show on nutrition and healthy eating so they taped it and showed it to me when I came home (they do this sort of thing all the time). Growing up the house was stocked with french fries, hamburgers, icecream, chips, and lots of other good tasting treats. But I opened up the freezer when I got home and all I found was sherbert. It's good though and I'm really proud of them. I think it's really important to be a good stewart of your body. Now they've got me reading food labels so that I know what I'm putting in my body. All these preservatives, chemicals, and hormones we put in our bodies are terrible. They're making us lethargic and fat (I'll blog about this more later).
The second week was full of friends and fun. I tracked down lots of old friends from high school and college and caught up with them. My friend Amanda even drove from Birmingham to come and visit me that weekend (she earned 10 friend points for that). I'd only planned on staying at home for 2 weeks but some of my friends from college convinced me to go to the beach with them for 3 days and I'm glad I did because some crazy stuff happened at the end of that third week and my family needed me to be there.
All this traveling and living in different places is so weird. I mean part of me likes it but part of me wishes I was settled somewhere but it's hard. Even during the school year I travel alot on the weekends whether it's work related, or visiting my friends or my family. My life here in Alabama is really centered on work, while most of the people that know me well live in various cities around Georgia, Nashville, TN, or Chicago,IL. I'm not doing such a good job of juggling all the relationships in my life. I'd like to have more of a life outside of work here in Alabama but I'm not sure if I really have the time for it.
I ran 9 miles this morning. It's my longest run so far and I really shouldn't call it a run - maybe a jog, by the end I seriously think people could have walked faster than I was running, but hey it got done. Then I drove down to the Fresh Market and bought some healthy, organic food and tonight I'm going to make dinner and watch movies. I'd love company- there's an open invitation for anyone who doesn't mind driving out here!

Life Theory #756- Love is a Miracle

Today was really...full. I met my friend Amy this afternoon for lunch and shopping. She filled me in about what's been going on with her this year. She just broke up with this amazing guy who genuinely loves the Lord. My question of course was, "What happened?". Her answer, "I wasn't enough for him physically." Her height bothered him and he told her that if she ever got fat they would no longer be dating. When she asked him what would happen if she gained weight during say... pregancy, he said, "Well, Faith Hill did it". Needless to say, I walked away from our time together a little discouraged. Most of the godly guys I know, I mean guys I really respect, want a girl who's a spiritual studress, and wears a size 2 with big boobs and no cellulite- hot and godly right!(I know I'm exaggerating a little- but only a little.) I was mad for about 10 minutes, then the Lord started to bring my own unrealistic expectations to mind. I mean I'm looking for a smart, witty, spiritual, attractive, intriguing, college educated, decisive, wise, athletic but not uber-athletic, ecclectic, creative, unique, freethinking, poor people loving, gospel centered man. He dosen't exist (dang it!), so I can't get mad at these guys for being honest about wanting some serious eye-candy.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I think no one thinks I'm attractive- but during these times I conveniently forget about all the 18 year old students from JSU, the men who work in fast-food establishments, grocery stores, on the backs of garbage trucks, and even the men who drive cars with loud horns who daily show me their appreciation. I've liked so many guys in the past that would never consider being with me because of one or more of my physical traits, but I really do the same thing everyday when I overlook people because I know they aren't college educated, or interesting enough, or cute. I don't believe in love at first sight, it's straight lust at first sight.

Anyways, after I hung out with Amy I drove straight up to Rome and had dinner with two couples who are some of my great friends from college. Just sitting there listening to them talk and interact with eachother I was thinking how it really is a miracle that anyone gets married. God really is committed to populating the earth, if He wasn't we'd all be holding out waiting for just the right one- the grass would always be greener somewhere else.

My longest college crush was this guy named Jarrod, he had a beard (I'm a sucker for facial hair). I thought we'd be perfect together but everytime I talked to him I got nervous, or asked him dumb questions, or just tried to be something I wasn't- deep or cool or something. So eventhough he knew me, he never really knew me. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to try to be what I think some guy wants whether that's physically, spiritually, or in terms of personality.

So here's my theory, I think that God puts a special love in your heart for the person you're supposed to be with, and they have that special love for you too. It's like they can really see you- see your unique beauty, your funny quirks, they can know what you're thinking by the look on your face, and they can see your sin and still want to love you (even if they don't in the moment), they are committed to your soul.

As women it seems like we're constantly trying to get different guys to see us like that through the way we dress, our exaggerated laughter, intense eye contact, even serving and loving people in front of that special guy. But no matter how hard we try they can't see us. I want to stop living like that- I don't want to have to convince my husband that he should love me. It's about soul-connection, and I'm convinced that soul-connection, the kind where you forget about the way a person is making you feel or look, and you're consumed with lavishing them with love and helping them even when it seems impossible, is a miracle. Sure it takes pain, and tears and work but it's possible- with that person who can see you. Maybe that's idealistic but I hope it's true. Trust me I'll be putting this theory to the test whenever I get the chance. Who knows I may just flag down the next Jesus loving sanitation worker who honks at me while I'm running.

The Way of Death- Meditations on Nothing But Death

At first glance this poem is depressing I admit. I really hesitated to post it on my blog but it’s beautiful, Neruda has this incredible way with images. I feel like poetry is becoming a dead art. There are no famous poems that everyone talks about and it doesn’t seems like many people go to hear poetry read anymore. Poems aren't easy and mindless. Their very nature requires you to think, it takes a little hard work but it's worth it. So come an explore with me the mystery and excitement of this poem. One thing you'll have to accept from the beginning is that part of poetry is mystery. A poet will almost never give you a strict, hard and fast interpretation of what you're reading. You piece it together and see what you think it might mean.

Pause (this pause is intended to give us both time to re-read the poem included in my last blog)

Let’s tackle the first stanza:
There are cemeteries that are lonely,
graves full of bones that do not make a sound,
the heart moving through a tunnel,
in it darkness, darkness, darkness,
like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,
as though we were drowning inside our hearts,
as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.

Ok, what is he trying to get at here? Cemeteries are lonely? Cemeteries are inanimate objects, how can they be lonely? But what if this lonely cemetery is a metaphor? What could it be a metaphor for? Look down at the third line- I think it could be a metaphor for the heart. Why is the heart a cemetery? I think the better question for this stanza is how does the heart become a cemetery? It moves in a tunnel of darkness, we die going into ourselves, we drown inside our own hearts, as though we are living falling out of our physical bodies and throwing ourselves into our souls/hearts. Neruda makes a case for the destructiveness of morbid introspection and selfishness.

Moving right along, stanzas number 2&3:

And there are corpses,
feet made of cold and sticky clay,
death is inside the bones,
like a barking where there are no dogs,
coming out from bells somewhere, from graves somewhere,
growing in the damp air like tears of rain.

Sometimes I see alone
coffins under sail,
embarking with the pale dead, with women that have dead hair,
with bakers who are as white as angels,
and pensive young girls married to notary publics,
caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead,
the river of dark purple,
moving upstream with sails filled out by the sound of death,
filled by the sound of death which is silence.


Alright, I’m not sure what exactly he’s getting at in stanza 2 and he may just be saying things for effect but I love the two lines that say, “death is inside the bones, like a barking where there are no dogs.” What are these corpses? They could be experiences, or dead relationships, or people. But I think this stanza says a lot about the inevitability of death, it’s inside the bones, it calls to everyone. The next stanza begins with, “Sometimes I see alone”, if you think about how he started the poem, “There are cemeteries that are lonely”, it kinda makes you think that he might be trying to say something about the deadliness of being alone or lonely. Then he lists of all these people, pale people, women with dead hair, bakers covered in white flour, thoughtful young girls married to boring men – they are caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead. Calling them caskets is really interesting. The casket is a carrier, it carries something that is already dead. What could that dead thing that they’re carrying be, maybe their dead hearts? And these alone coffins or caskets they are filled with the sound of death as they move upstream, the sound of silence.
Stanzas 4&5:
Death arrives among all that sound
like a shoe with no foot in it, like a suit with no man in it,
comes and knocks, using a ring with no stone in it, with no
finger in it,
comes and shouts with no mouth, with no tongue, with no
throat.
Nevertheless its steps can be heard
and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree.

I'm not sure, I understand only a little, I can hardly see,
but it seems to me that its singing has the color of damp violets,
of violets that are at home in the earth,
because the face of death is green,
and the look death gives is green,
with the penetrating dampness of a violet leaf
and the somber color of embittered winter.

Stanza 4 has some beautiful imagery. Death arrives as the coffins move silently toward it. Death is empty, it barely makes a sound yet it can be heard like a whisper. Stanza 5, well I like it but I don’t know how to explain it. He may be likening death to damp green violets because the color of decay can be green. He may be comparing violets to death because these violets are at home in the earth and death is our only certainty in this life on earth. Perhaps because green is the color of life and as the world is all that is alive will be given over to death – green is death’s calling card (feel free to choose your own interpretation).


Stanzas 6&7:
But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,
lapping the floor, looking for dead bodies,
death is inside the broom,
the broom is the tongue of death looking for corpses,
it is the needle of death looking for thread.

Death is inside the folding cots:
it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses,
in the black blankets, and suddenly breathes out:
it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets,
and the beds go sailing toward a port
where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral.

Alright, we’ve reached the final stanzas and they may be the most difficult ones. Death as a broom, well maybe just dressed as a broom. What could that broom be? I think the broom might be circumstances that bring people to death. It laps the floor. What could the floor be? The bottom rims of society- the impoverished, people who have sunken inside themselves- the depressed, the mentally ill. Well, we know that its actively seeking people. The last stanza is really interesting. Its like death is waiting inside hospital cots, or beds where depressed people sleep, it’s waiting to sail these people to where death is waiting dressed as an admiral. Why is death dressed as an admiral? It’s a commander, its been given authority over all the living.

So what can we gather from all of this? It seems like a depressing, grim, rather scary poem by an old Latino man. But,I think we can learn alot from all of this. So, Neruda starts off his poem by letting us know what he thinks is the problem with the human heart. We die going into ourselves, we drown in our own hearts. Death calls us and we cannot resist. We are alone, as the carriers of our dead hearts. We are moving toward death in our silences. As sure as we are alive we will be dead. It’s lurking about looking for people who have resigned themselves to the folding cots. It’s waiting and we can’t resist, it’s the commander. Alright, that’s still depressing. Neruda is right, death is inevitable. We all walk around barely able to interact on any kind of deep level with each other because the only person our hearts are in tuned with is ourselves. We’re drowning more and more everyday as we try to satiate ourselves with ourselves- self-protection, self-awareness, self-esteem, self-help, self-analysis, enough of me already. Sometimes I really think that if I can just figure myself out I can fix myself- but it always just makes me more confused and mentally disoriented. As this happens to our hearts Neruda describes people as walking coffins, almost practicing death. That’s crazy but I think I see it. I see it in people who refuse to take risks, who live vicariously through television characters and spend most of their time on the couch, who feel like it’s too hard and messy to get involved in other people’s lives. What’s the solution? Well, I love this poem because I think it speaks to the modern condition of man. We are a selfish bunch, unknowingly practicing death until we finally resign ourselves to it. Someone once told me that for the believer this world as we know it is the closest we’ll ever come to hell, and that for the unbeliever it is the closest they will ever come to heaven. So what does Jesus say about the inevitability of death?

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die."
(Gen 2:16-17)

We are in this mess because of man’s rebellion from the authority of God. Man was deceived, he thought that if he came out from under God’s authority he could control his own destiny and his own life. But that is not the case, instead man unknowingly through his rebellion subjected himself to the father of rebellion. So man apart from God is enslaved to sin and satan. His very life he lives in the practice of death, looking out for himself and no one else. He lives in constant comparison, paranoia, fear, strife, self-gratification, and self-protection.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience-- among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.
(Eph 2:1-3)

But God sees us in all of this misery and loves us.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved-- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
(Eph 2:4-9)

Christ comes on the scene and lives the perfect life that we can’t. Then He dies taking on all our sin, He suffers what we should have to suffer because of our rebellion and he turns the tables on EVERYTHING. He says that eternal life is knowing Him and God through Him. He says that through putting our sinful rebellion to death there is life.

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ being raised from the dead will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies, to make you obey their passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
(Rom 6:4-14)

What kind of death did Christ die? He died by putting sin to death, and so we follow him in putting our sinful selves to death so that we may be free from sin which is in its essence death. So death is the way, for both the Christian and the non-Christian. The non-Christian unknowingly practices death through his search for life. He does all he can to do the things that will make him happy and make him feel more alive- but his dead heart leads him into self-gratification, selfish ambition, and self-promotion. While the Christian practices what looks like death in his quest to know and love Christ more fully. We die to our rights to ourselves, our plans for our own lives, and we find real life.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
(Joh 12:24-25)

Nod to a Fabulous Poet

Nothing But Death
by Pablo Neruda
Translated by Robert Bly


There are cemeteries that are lonely,
graves full of bones that do not make a sound,
the heart moving through a tunnel,
in it darkness, darkness, darkness,
like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,
as though we were drowning inside our hearts,
as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.

And there are corpses,
feet made of cold and sticky clay,
death is inside the bones,
like a barking where there are no dogs,
coming out from bells somewhere, from graves somewhere,
growing in the damp air like tears of rain.

Sometimes I see alone
coffins under sail,
embarking with the pale dead, with women that have dead hair,
with bakers who are as white as angels,
and pensive young girls married to notary publics,
caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead,
the river of dark purple,
moving upstream with sails filled out by the sound of death,
filled by the sound of death which is silence.

Death arrives among all that sound
like a shoe with no foot in it, like a suit with no man in it,
comes and knocks, using a ring with no stone in it, with no
finger in it,
comes and shouts with no mouth, with no tongue, with no
throat.
Nevertheless its steps can be heard
and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree.

I'm not sure, I understand only a little, I can hardly see,
but it seems to me that its singing has the color of damp violets,
of violets that are at home in the earth,
because the face of death is green,
and the look death gives is green,
with the penetrating dampness of a violet leaf
and the somber color of embittered winter.

But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,
lapping the floor, looking for dead bodies,
death is inside the broom,
the broom is the tongue of death looking for corpses,
it is the needle of death looking for thread.

Death is inside the folding cots:
it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses,
in the black blankets, and suddenly breathes out:
it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets,
and the beds go sailing toward a port
where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral.

How am I not myself?

I'm back in good old Marietta, GA, hanging out with my family and friends and trying to raise a little support (I accidentally left all my support stuff in Montevallo so we'll see what happens with that). Anyways, I've been hanging out with alot of my old friends and they keep asking me if I'm ok and saying things to the affect that I'm not acting like myself. That makes me feel weird. I went running this morning and I spent most of that time doing an internal psycho-analysis of myself, trying to figure out why I'm acting weird. This of course left me pretty mentally exhausted. Bottom line- life is changing, my friends are changing and I'm changing. Most of my friends here are married- so they talk about buying houses, having children, relating to their husbands, and what's going on in their social circles. I can't give much advice or input on those topics but I do enjoy listening and learning. When people ask me what's going on with me, I never know how much they really want to know so I keep it brief. My job and my life are probably seem as foreign to them as their world is to me. It's good for me to be here, I just need a little time to warm up.

Rambling thoughts of a nomad

I'm writing from my fun blue couch in Montevallo, AL. I got back in town tonight around 5pm, bought a Lean Cuisine from the grocery store and rented two movies. Unfortunately the sound on our dvd player isn't working so it looks like I'll be reading, blogging and eating hot cornbread muffins tonight, and I'm not complaining- I'm all alone in the Shanahan House and I'm lovin' it. Being at Beach Project really was so good for my heart. There's something mysterious and powerful about the Body of Christ. Being around so many other believers exposes so much of my sin but at the same time I think I felt more loved by God and other people during the short month of June than I have all year. I need people in my life alot more than I'd like to admit.

I love my job! Isn't that weird, I feel like I've had so much inner conflict this year and so many doubts about whether or not God really wants me to work for Campus Outreach, and whether I have what it takes and what my bosses are looking for. I will freely admit that part of the reason I came on staff in the first place was because I was afraid. Afraid that if I didn't, I would lose my focus on Christ and become another materialistic suburbanite (much to my dissapointment being on staff doesn't keep me from buying crap I don't need). But the other part of me took the job because I really do want to love people and see them come to see Jesus as their sweet Savior and intimate friend (I feel really cheesy typing that).

This summer I feel like I've been smacked in the face with the reality that most of the girls I know are walking around broken, living in the cage of performance, and dying to be loved. . All of their families, even the ones that look happy are screwed up and dysfunctional. Jesus, why is it so hard for us to accept your unconditional love? I feel like we put the cart before the horse (or however that analogy is supposed to go). I'd love it if we had one whole summer devoted to seeing the beauty of Christ. I feel like we're so afraid that the students won't labor or be productive Christians so we force them to get a bunch of evangelistic experiences, which isn't necessarily bad. All I'm saying is that the reason most people don't evangelize is not because they've never seen it modeled for them, it's because Christ isn't that beautiful to them. I wonder what would happen if the only focus of next year's SBP was Christ and the beauty of the gospel, and we didn't teach so many methods of evangelism. I wonder if evangelism would explode. Being a Christian is more than knowing that Christ died for your sin and that you can go to heaven if you trust Him and repent, its got to move your heart. I think we've seen so many people "fall away from the faith" lately because they missed the whole point. Jesus didn't save us to just be His soldiers- bringing the truth to people through evangelism and a strict regime of bible study and memorization. He saved us to restore intimate communion between us and God. If there is no intimate communion with God in your life you are missing the point. He desires a people that are wholeheartedly in love with Him, not just His mission. No man wants to marry a woman who will clean the house, cook wonderful meals, and even have sex with him without looking into his eyes and enjoying him, and God doesn't want people who are so busy doing His work that they don't have time to slow down and melt at his touch. A husband demands the full love and attention of his wife and God demands that His Bride be captivated with the beauty of who He is. Only then will our service be acceptable. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
(2Co 3:18)
He melts the hardness of our hearts with the fire of His love.

Crazy Running Fool

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Panama City Beach drinking a vanilla latte that I bought because you can't just use wireless without buying something. The funny thing is that I don't like coffee but I'm rolling it around in my mouth right now and contemplating attempting to acquire a taste for it. My friend and fellow staff girl Stephanie Kanute convinced me to run the Chicago marathon with her in October so I signed up and paid my $90. Before I actually registered I called her and let her know that I was doing it so she could make sure and do it that day too. Well, ironically she didn't get around to it that day and when she did get around to it the marathon was closed because the maximum had been reached. So, I'm registered for a marathon in Chicago that I never would've thought about running in, in the first place. Why? Why would the Lord want me to run the Chicago marathon ALONE? I don't really know but I'm excited to find out. My best friend from highschool and her husband live there and so does my good friend Jaime from college, so hopefully I can visit them while I'm there. Kanute and I have been running at least 3 times a week down here. This morning we ran between 4 and 4.5 miles in 51 minutes. I've got a long way to go, pray that I stick with this- who wants to waste $90?

Grace upon Grace

I'm in the middle of my second week down here at SBP. It's been so good for me. I'm learning so much, mostly about extending grace to people. I've been frustrated more than once with different people down here and how they spend their time, or their ministry philosophy, or the way that they view God. I stayed up late one night last week journaling violently about a particular situation, and the next day God really convicted my heart about my lack of love. My sin and frustration is just as disgusting as their sin. The thing that makes me the most hurt and upset is feeling like someone is judging me but it seems like it's the first thing I run to when people's actions or ideas don't line up with mine. God is slowly breaking me, there are so many people down here that don't believe that God loves them (myself included). They are trying so hard to prove themselves to Him and to everyone else. It seems like everyone I talk to is dealing with self-hatred and guilt. What they need from me is not a condemning speech about how they really need to believe in the grace of God. They need to see me love them unconditionally whether they fail or succeed, whether they think they way I do or not, whether they look down on me, ignore me, or think that I'm great. Lord help me to accept people in process. I need Your love. I need Your love. I need Your love. This is not about me. I need Your love. Love wash over a multitude of things.

Wedding Crashers

It's Saturday night and I'm supposed to be packing to go to SBP but I'd rather blog. Today was really stinkin' funny. This morning I went to a wedding with Matt, mistake #1 (j/k). I'm getting ready this morning and for some reason I start to feel weird (women really do have intuition). I'm thinking it might be really weird for me to be at this wedding, eventhough I'm supposed to be Matt's date (plutonic of course). I 'm sort of distant acquaintances with the couple (but definitely not close enough for them to invite me to their wedding)and they know me and Matt don't date so I'm thinking they might just think I randomly showed up. So when I get in the car I say, "Matt, you don't think people will think it's weird that I'm at this wedding?". To which he replies, "No way, you're my date." So I assume all is well. We get there and sit down on the back row and it's seriously like the smallest wedding I've ever been to. Matt leans over and whispers "There's like nobody here" so I reply, "I know I feel really weird since I wasn't directly invited". Then he says, "Well, they didn't send me an invitation but I saw them out one night and they told me I could come". AAAAAAAAAAh! Who invites a date to a wedding they really weren't invited to. I felt so awkward, I told him we weren't allowed to eat any food since we weren't real guests - but I changed my mind after I saw the food and I think we were one of the only people who went back for seconds. My old friend Boojie was there and it was so good to talk to him but he made so much fun of me for being at the wedding that I think most of the guests knew I was an impostor. There was this seperate room where the bride and groom were cutting the cake and it was really small so they were like the wedding party can go in and any guests that will fit. The two of us stayed at the table and ate seconds until we were the only ones left in the reception area and we felt obligated to go into the cake room and talk to people. Matt greeted the couple but I hung back on the wall because I seriously didn't know what I would say - "Hey I mean I know we've only talked like twice but I'm super glad you guys got married", or "I was really hungry and I thought it'd be fun to get dressed up and get a free lunch - thanks for putting this thing on". I'm never going to be able to look that couple in the eye again, good thing they won't be living in Birmingham. Living on the edge baby!

I'm scared

I leave for SBP on Sunday and I'm scared I don't have what it takes to be faithful, do a good job and love all those girls this summer. It's true, I don't have what it takes. But thank God that the salvation and sanctification of all the girls I'll come in contact with is not up to me, it's up to God. I get scared alot and it's mostly because I see a task I've gotta accomplish and I see the depth of my inadequacy and I have a mini meltdown. But God is able, He's able to use sinners like me. Lord help me to focus on Your strength and power and stop trusting in myself, cause both of us know that I'm weak.

On blogs...

I feel like there has been much controversy recently about the inherent goodness of blogging. I've been thinking about it a little so I thought I'd voice my opinion. The blog in itself has no inherent goodness or evil. I have heard it said that blogs are self-indulgent. Blogs are not self-indulgent, people are self-indulgent and admittedly, sometimes the things they write on blogs are self-indulgent. Sometimes the things I say out loud are self-indulgent, that doesn't mean I'm not going to talk. If that were the rule the world would be silent. It can be annoying to read people's self-indulgent blogs and honestly it can be annoying to read my own self-indulgent blogs. I'm like- why did I write that! But whether I write it in my journal or for all the world to see I'm still going to feel it and eventually write it. It's part of the process, we're not perfect. Why not share you uncensored thoughts and ideas with your friends and let them shoot you straight. I have also heard it said that blogs serve as a substitute for real relationships. I don't know if I agree with that because I don't personally know anyone who sits at home and reads blogs on Saturday nights in the place of going out with friends. But I do know lots of people who read the blogs of friends who live far away and are able to keep in touch with them better and more frequently without awkward small talk and phone chatter. So keep blogging, feel free to say what you think is deep and what you feel deeply even if you end up looking stupid or sounding stupid it will give the rest of us opportunities to extend grace to you.

Rotten eggs

"Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf universe"- C.S. Lewis. I listened to this guy talk about evil and ethics today while I was driving home to GA and I thought this quote was so good that I wrote it down as I was driving. That probably wasn't the safest decision I've ever made but oh well. I think the thing that keeps hitting me like a wave is that the world is so bad. Everyone looks like they're happy and they've got it together but if you ask them about their families or what's really going on in their lives, most people are one step shy of falling apart. I mean I feel like that sometimes and I'm a Christian. I think deep down everyone knows something is wrong with their hearts. It is impossible for anyone to do something with absolutely no self interest. Even if our motives are 90% pure, that 10% that's doing the good thing just to feel better about ourselves just ruins it. It's like if you were making a massive cake and you had to use 100 eggs- 90 of the eggs were good and 10 of them were bad. The 10 bad eggs ruin all the bad eggs when they're combined. Everyone tries to hide the blackness of their hearts with cute haircuts, good manners, hip clothes, iPods, movies, food- just name your drug of choice. Our hearts are deceived and lulled into a false peace. But pain is God's merciful beckoning to His people to step out of their self-deception and run into His arms. It's crazy when huge disasters like Sept. 11th, or Hurricane Katrina hit believers and non- believers alike cry out to God. Pain is Mercy.

Think about it

“If the church does not recapture its prophetic zeal, it will become an irrelevant social club without moral or spiritual authority. If the church does not participate actively in the struggle for peace and for economic and racial justice, it will forfeit the loyalty of millions and cause men everywhere to say that it has atrophied its will. But if the church will free itself from the shackles of a deadened status quo, and recovering its great historic mission, will speak and act fearlessly and insistently in terms of justice and peace, it will enkindle the imagination of mankind and fire the souls of men, imbuing them with a glowing and ardent love for truth, justice, and peace. Men far and near will know the church as a great fellowship of love that provides light and bread for lonely travelers at midnight.”
- Martin Luther King, from The Strength to Love

The Year in Review

Alright! I survived my first year on campus, there were times when I really thought that I wasn't going to make it but God is so faithful. It sure has been interesting, rewarding, and super challenging . Here are some lessons I've learned:

1. I'm no spiritual expert- I've gotta be leaning on the Lord and asking for His wisdom continually or I end up falling on my face.

2. Love is the main thing. We love them and then point them to the Ultimate Love. The biggest thing I want my girls to leave college with is a love and passion for the Lord because if they have that, they will live lives that glorify Him.

3. Don't be intimidated when people seem like they don't want to have anything to do with you. Sometimes those are actually the ones who want to be loved the most. They just don't know it. Love them until they can't do anything but accept you.

4.Simply telling someone truth does not change their heart. Jesus does! You gotta bear with them, love them and live out the gospel in front of them.

5. Don't tell people how to think. When they ask questions, ask them questions and help them come to a conclusion. (I'm still not so good at this).

6. Every student has worth and value. It doesn't matter what their social status is or whether they are a freshman or a senior. If God has placed me in their life, they deserve my time and attention. Their eternal life is alot more valuable than building a "sucessful" ministry for my own glory.

7. Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up- even when it feels like you've screwed everything up! His mercies really are new every morning (so get outta bed Renee).

It's been a good year. I've managed to make more mistakes than I thought was humanly possible but hey I got nothing to lose, right! My eternity is secure so I can take risks and screw up and try again (if I screw up real bad they can just fire me). I'm supposed to be here at Montevallo for 3 more years, and honestly that seems like an eternity to me but Lord help me to take it one day at a time and trust that You have called me here for such a time as this.

Eve

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm in bed. My spirits are high but my stomach hurts. This morning blew me away. I'm so glad I was actually in town and able to go to church. God, Justin, and Harry did a little triple team action on my heart. Driving home I was thinking about Eve, mostly because of the cramps I was experiencing but isn't it crazy how us ladies get a monthly reminder of the fall. I really do think of the cramps we get as training contractions. One day when we have babies it'll be a bit more bearable because we've had small deposits of pain every month since puberty. If you think about menstration that way it's beautiful. In order to bring life into the world you've gotta bleed. Whoa, women carry around in themselves a picture of Christ. This side of the fall blood and pain are necessary for physical life and spiritual life.

Food Stamps

We had a cookout today and the girls were supposed to bring a dessert, so I got up this morning and got the stuff I needed to make my cake cookies. I had most of it at the house but I had to run to the Piggly Wiggly for eggs and cake mix. When I got to the cash register and she finished ringing me up she said "Food Stamps?". I was like "No, debit". She apologized and I told her it was no big deal but I was really pissed off. I left the store thinking- who does she think I am? Some poor black single mom without a job? I wonder if she would've said that if I was white. Why would someone assume for no reason that I was going to use food stamps?

Why did that make me so mad? Do I want to think that I'm better than single black mothers who have to use food stamps? Somehow, it straight up attacked my pride.

If happiness is a choice...

I'm choosing it. This weekend was amazing. I discovered a new store in the mall, it's called Forever 21. I felt guilty going in I kept thinking - are they going to know that I'm 24? The great thing about Forever 21 is that they've got cute cheap clothes. Friday night I ate some sweet Thai food and danced the night away at a Dave Barnes concert. I think I'm addicted to dancing. Saturday after April's wedding we headed to Tennessee to go white water rafting with 25 students. After we set up camp they turned on some music and I got down again.

Trust

I've been plagued with deep seated anxiety for the greater part of this year. I feel like I'm just not sure that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Everytime I sit down at a lunch table with a group of girls I look around and wonder if I should've sat at another table, or if I'm getting out of my comfort zone enough. Questioning and double mindedness have become a way of life for me. I can't seem to enjoy the moment I'm living in because I'm always worried about what I should do or say next or who I really ought to be talking to. I'm not trusting God. I feel this intense pressure to make things happen and I'm being crushed under the weight of it. I can't do it. I can't make a movement happen at the University of Montevallo. I can't make girls come to know the Lord. But I can love the Lord and love these girls. I'm so afraid that the people I work for and with will be dissapointed with my performance and productivity that it's driving me crazy. Lord help me to see that the gospel is true for me even here in this area of my life. I work for Jesus and He is already pleased with my performance because He already made me perfect through His blood. My heart is so resistant to the grace of God.It is so hard for me to believe that He loves me. I want to prove to Him that I can do things for Him, that I really am a faithful follower and He keeps showing me that I can't and that I'm not. God help me to trust You with today and tommorrow, with my job, my love life, my sanctification and growth in holiness, my family, my friends, my weight, and my doubts. I hold onto everything so tightly, but what I need to do is just let it all go and cling to Jesus. "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever because the Lord God is an everlasting Rock."- Isaiah 26:3-4.

"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace...When a man or woman is truly honest (not just working at it), it is virtually impossible to insult them personally. There is nothing there to insult."- Brennan Manning

I went running yesterday and today I feel so good. I need to remember this feeling when I don't feel like running. The toilets and tub in my bathroom are stopped up. I tried to unstop the tub with the plunger in my bathroom and it didn't really help but it did pull up a giant hairball. I really need to take a shower but since there's still standing water in my tub and I put that really gross plunger in it, I just can't bring myself to get in there. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm gonna write on my blog. I don't know if this happens to you but just about every morning this week while I've been reading my Bible I've just about fallen asleep. I hate that, I want to know the Word and hunger and thirst after it. I'm going home this weekend and I'm really excited. I get to see my parents and maybe my siblings. My brother Jason lives in Orlando so I don't get to see him that much. My sister lives in Atlanta and she has just recently gone through a really hard time. One of her close friends just died of cancer. It was crazy, Kevin was in his early 30's and he just got really sick. He was a college professor and he wanted to keep working until he couldn't work anymore. All of his family lives up north so my sister took care of him after work and on the weekends. She was with him when he died two weeks ago. My sister and I aren't super close because of alot of things that have happened in the past but I really do respect her alot. She has been taking care of him consistently for about two years, doing his laundry, cooking for him, helping him make a will, taking him to the store, taking him to doctor's appointments, and doing anything that needed to be done around his house. I couldn't have done it. She's got lots of faults but she really does try to love people in anyway that she can, and I think she's alot stronger than I give her credit for. These next few weeks we're supposed to be doing our best to recruit to SBP, I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of being persuasive. I really need to be less focused on the quality of my performance and more focused on Christ and where He is leading me. I'm weak but I'm willing. I've been thinking alot about development lately. I think it'd be cool to help the impoverished learn a trade and teach them to be able to support their families, and through all that bring them the gospel. There is a government housing community just down the street from me- How can I help those people? Hmm...I need to think more about all this. Well, I gotta go check and see if the pee infected water in my tub has gone down yet.

It's A Beautiful Day

Man, the weather is so beautiful today. I'm loving it. I've been thinking alot about living in reality lately. Donald Miller says something like - Reality is a fine wine, it can only be enjoyed by adults. I think that's really true. It's really easy for me to blame my problems on present situations, and the things other people have done when really circumstances only reveal what's in my heart. I'm learning to be real with myself about my sin and what's really going on. So... my room is dirty because I haven't been faithful to put things where they belong, I get discouraged easily because I haven't been faithful to hide the truth in my heart and use it to fight my crazy thoughts, I feel awkward with people sometimes because I'm focused on my own comfort and not on loving the person I'm talking to, I've gained some weight because I've been running to food and not the Lord to make me feel better... and the list goes on. I can look my failures in the face and still be hopeful because God sees me as perfect in Christ. I can't fix myself but I can fix my eyes on Christ and ask Him to change my heart everytime I'm tempted to despair or stray from Him. Lord help me to love You, I mean to really heart and soul and body love You. I'm sick of just saying empty words.

Cover me

It's bedtime and I feel like writing. I told the girls I meet with to pick a verse to meditate on this week and journal about it every night before bed so I'm gonna do it.

John 15:4-7 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

Abide in me. What does it mean to abide in Jesus? I cannot bear fruit or even live apart from Jesus. If I abide in Him and His words abide in me, I can ask whatever I wish and it will be done for me. Do I abide in Christ? Abiding in Christ- living in Christ, our lives are hidden in Him, His blood covers our multitude of sins, God sees His righteousness and not our filthiness because He has chosen us and caused our hearts to be able to repent and acknowledge our need for a Savior, and believe that He is all we need to be in right relationship with God. Why is it so hard for me to abide in Christ? I'm scared to really believe that the grace of God is really for me. How can you abide in someone who you won't really let love you. Help my unbelief Lord.

...First day back on campus and it's been good but as always there's the undercurrent of guilt. This is bigger than my circumstances, God's got me here and He's holding a mirror up to my heart and it's not pretty. I'm desperately insecure in our relationship so I'm always scared that I'm not doing enough for Him. I know in my mind that Jesus loves me but Lord write it on my heart. I want to be free to stop having to prove that I'm someone through the things I do and start loving other people.

Back on the Scene

No friends, I haven't died I've just been traveling like a mad gypsy for two weeks. Last week I was in Puerto Rico doing a mini CCP (Cross Cultural Project) for those of you who are fortunate enough to not know the lingo. I got back home Sunday night at 1am, woke up Monday and had lunch with my friend Eli, got back around 1pm and drove some ladies down to Gulf Shores. I just got back from there this afternoon and tommorrow I'll be heading out again for a retreat. But right now I am sitting in my cozy house with my feet propped, up typing on my roomate Katie's computer (I accidently left mine at the beach). I'm wearing my two sizes too big Democratic State Convention t-shirt that I found a few years ago while I was working the weed wacker outside of the boys dorm at Berry College (oh the memories!), and trying trelax. Lately I feel like there have been alot of confusing thoughts running around in my head (not that that's really anything new). Puerto Rico was amazing. I was really scared before I left because I thought that I was going to be expected to be this ministry machine so the college girls would see what it looked like to share the gospel with someone. But it wasn't like that, the guys down there encouraged us to be learners. To really be interested in learning about the culture and the person and not just throw the gospel up on people so we can feel better about ourselves. I had some amazing conversations with girls there. Puerto Rico is in a pretty unique political situation. They are an American Commonwealth which basically means they have to follow our laws but they get no say in Congress. They are the last colony in the world. Alot of the students at the University of Puerto Rico want independence but they all know that Puerto Rico's economy isn't strong enough to stand alone right now. This makes for an interesting spiritual climate. The students know that their needs to be change in their country. I was talking to a girl named Vanette who told me that she was a Socialist and a Marxist. We got to talk alot about how the former USSR tried Communism but it didn't work. It ended up being just a new and creative way for men to exploit and use eachother. I told her that until people's hearts change, political change won't help the real problems. I told her that the only person I knew who could change hearts was Jesus to which she promptly replied- Jesus was a Socialist! I think that's what I'm passionate about - watching this whole freaking crazy world change one heart at a time. I also got to tour two absolutely incredible Art Museums with a girl named Veronica and tell her a little about what the Bible says about free grace while we looked at these beautiful paintings of the Virgin Mary and a bunch of Catholic saints. By the way, seeing all that art in person made me want to cry and quit my job and become an artist. Which of course spawned all these questions in my brain. Does giving your life away automatically mean that you don't do what you love or are sincerely interested in? I know that the need is great overseas, I almost feel selfish for wanting to go back to school. I don't think guilt is a good enough reason to go right now. If eternity is forever and we'll prolly have jobs there, is it selfish to want to do something I'm passionate about other than full time ministry when I could just wait till the kingdom comes? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I mean it's challenging just like any other job and there are some things about it that really eat at me. But I do love the girls here... oh well. These are my thoughts for tonight---much love friends.

Desire

It's been a good night but a hard night. I'm laying in bed listening to this Ray LaMontagne song called Shelter. If you have a minute please go to his website and check it out, it's like butter. Man, good music stirs up some serious desire in me. There's all this feeling and emotion (which I love because I'm a woman), sometimes I wish I could just make a home right there in the melody. I was reading my old friend Jeb's blog tonight and he was talking about just trying to figure out what he wants out of life and what he really believes. He talked alot about having some kind of ache that he couldn't pinpoint, something that was always just out of reach. I loved it. Regardless of your job or location I've gotta believe that if you're in your early 20's you can relate to that. It's shocking finally enter the monotonous world and see so many people living without passion. I think life should be like dancing barefoot in a field with your arms wide open while the sun sets behind you, but sometimes it's more like rushing to eat Burger King at red light in your car on a freezing day when your heater refuses to work. I don't want to just exist. I want to live hard and take crazy risks and feel the freedom to fall on my face.

This is the last time... until next time

Alright, so I'm in the shower this morning listening to Marc Broussard- Rocksteady, you know the song, and it hits me. I know why this transition has been so hard for me, I think deep down inside of me I really want life to be this 24 hour party and it's not. Before I got in the shower I was browsing My Space and comparing my life to all the lives of the people I graduated high school with (I know, I know I need to get off the internet and get a real life). But it really brought me face to face with what I really want out of life. I find myself envying all these people who look cooler than me, live in cool cities and have high paying jobs. In my mind I'm thinking it'd be so cool to live in New York have alot of hip friends who really understand me and hang out in coffee shops and bars. I'm so consumed with my own happiness. If I can't be happy here I'm not going to be happy anywhere. I don't understand why God has interrupted the plans I had for my life and I don't understand why He's making me surrender and submit even in this moment (prolly cause He loves me but I don't always believe it). It's so funny, yesterday I talked to like 8 different girls about trusting God and I'm the one who really needs to do it. I hate that I've become so cynical in some ways. Life was always such beautiful excitement to me even in college. I had so much hope for adventure and endless possibility. The last 2 years have been like crazy culture shock. But I need to trust that this is my adventure for now. The big question is: what was I made to do? I always write about discontentment and that sucks so I'm gonna try to stop but no promises. I've gotta get this monster conquered.

“Were the sky always without a cloud and the ocean without a ripple the believer would not know so well the God with Whom he has to do; for alas, we know how prone the heart is to mistake the peace of circumstances for the peace of God. When everything is going smoothly and pleasantly—property safe, our business prosperous, our children carrying on agreeably, our residence comfortable, our health excellent—everything in short, just to our mind (liking), how apt we are to mistake the peace which reposes upon circumstances for that peace which flows from the realized presence of Christ. The Lord knows this; and therefore He comes in , one way or another, and stirs up the nest, that is, if we are found nestling in circumstances, instead of in Himself.”
CH Mackintosh

Free Morning

It's Wednesday! On Wednesday mornings I'm free. There's nothing on the schedule so until 10am I can do whatever the heck I wanna do. This morning I got up and went to breakfast with Ashton. We ate omletes and hashbrowns (diet what?!) and talked about life and Jesus. I really enjoyed myself. I'm seeing more and more in my life that I am highly resistant to discipline and hardship. I guess I just don't enjoy doing things that aren't that fun. I just want to be completely free. I was driving home from campus yesterday thinking how much I'd love to have an arranged marriage to the man of my dreams, live on and island where the weather is perfect and people really love eachother, and be able to eat anything I want and have the perfect body. Unfortunately none of that stuff really exists but my soul really does long for that kind of love and perfection, amd since I can only get that kind of thing from Jesus part of me is like, "Jesus take me now, cause this life ain't easy." Yesterday I was talking to Joey and Stacee, who are both foreign soccer players. They were talking about how American culture is so different from the how things are in Europe. When you get your social security number at about 14 years old you are expected to work and pay for your stuff. They think that alot of American college students are immature because they have everything handed to them all their lives. Childhood extends itself from infancy to the time you graduate college at 22 years old in alot of cases. It was really interesting and I think extremely true in my case. I don't think I was spoiled rotten or anything but I was spoiled. I'm a daddy's girl and my dad made sure that I had everything that I needed and wanted in most cases. Growing up is hard to do. Yesterday I took my car to get an oil change for the first time ( my dad usually changes my oil himself) I felt like such a big girl. I really need to decide what kind of life I want to live, I want to be free and do as I please but if I really do exactly what I want it's bound to be self-destructive. Lord change my desires help me to love to do what I ought to do.