I'm not content, I'm distracted

Tired. Suprise suprise, its the middle of the semester. Tonight I'm supposed to be going to a Halloween party. I'm glad because I'll be hanging out with people but at the same time I'd love to just spend the night watching movies and just talking at my house. Last week I felt great, then Traci came and spent the night with me. She talked to me about my schedule and my life and I just broke down. Its easy to feel great when you won't allow yourself time to really get still. I need help. I really wish I had someone to tell me what to do and when to do it all the time. I just don't trust myself. The crazy thing is that the Lord wants to be the One to tell me all this stuff and I feel like I don't even know how to listen to Him. Love, loving people is my job but I feel like I'm starved for it myself. I am my own worst enemy, I keep erecting walls of performance between God and myself. Its like I come to Him with my hands full of all my works and He's trying to embrace me but He can't because of all the stuff in my hands. I'm scared that if I let it drop I'll become lazy.

All the right reasons

I'm back in the living room, and I'm sprawled out on the couch in my sweatpants listening to the new John Mayer cd. I love it, its kind of jazzy but I love jazzy. If you don't want to get the whole album check out: The Heart of Life, Stop this Train and Bold as Love (Jimi Hendrix cover). Bold As Love, I like the sound of that. I'm supposed to be writing my weekly report right now but my brain is fried so I'm emptying it here on my blog before I proceed. There's this question on the report that I hate to answer- What's been motivating you in ministry this week? I never have good answers. I always have to say ugly things like fear and ambition with a little love mixed in. My heartbeat is fear. Fear keeps me working ridiculously long hours. It makes me ignore things I feel like I can't deal with. It shuts my mouth and averts my eyes when I really want to connect with someone.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
(1Jo 4:18)

I haven't been perfected in love but I want to be. Christ's love was bold. He died naked in the face of the jeers and the spit of the people he came to save. He loves me eventhough I can't imagine how His love can be stronger than romantic love. He's bold, He's bold as love. “Love is as hard as nails, it is nails”- C.S. Lewis

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell. --C.S. Lewis

Thanksgiving

I'm home in Marietta this weekend for Thanksgiving. You may think that the Jett family has gotten its months mixed up but we know its October. My brother, Jason, works at Disney World in Orlando in their Resort Sales Department. Since there are so many people who come to the park during the holidays he can't come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, so we are happy to accomodate our holidays around his schedule. I left Montevallo around 7:30 or 8pm last night and seriously almost fell asleep at the wheel about 400 times. I know one thing for sure- the Lord still has things for me to do here on earth. I did that head nod thing the whole way to Georgia and I almost hit a couple of cars in the lanes next to me- ha ha! I am no good at night driving.
The past month or so of my life has been amazingly peaceful. Nothing major has really changed. I'm still busy, I still live and work in Montevallo, Alabama but I don't know I guess God is just starting to cure me of the disease my friends call ATMS (Afraid to miss something). I'm beginning to believe that I'm exactly where He wants me to be, and I really do love little Montevallo. I love the Peach pear smoothies at Eclipse, the cheese dip at Zappopan. I love knowing the waiters and waitresses at both of those local hangouts. I love chilling out and drinking Earl Grey tea with Joey, Camilla, Stacey, Hooper, and Corey in Peck. I love watching my roomies try on 50 different outfits and helping them decide what they want to wear for a night out on the town. I love table hopping in the Caf.
I haven't had a chance to dance very much lately. I don't know why its so important to me but I miss it. I feel like dancing is a visual and physical expression of ecstatic happiness. That's why I think that no graduation, birthday, wedding, New Year's Eve celebration... is ever truly complete without at least a little personal dance party. I've caught myself dancing in the bathroom if I'm having a really good time at a friends house. Not like I go in there just to dance but just while I'm fixing my hair or washing my hands at the sink I'll just dance it out for a couple of seconds. Anyways... Happy Thanksgiving people!