It's a Wonderful Life

It's Christmas Eve and I'm hanging out in the living room with my mom watching "It's a Wonderful Life." Half-way through the movie I knew I had to grab the ole' laptop because anyone who knows anything about me knows I've got to write if I'm going to process anything. I've seen this movie a hundred times but it just hit me tonight. George Bailey is this young ambitious guy who wants to travel the world, go to school, and design buildings. Everytime he tries to get out of Bedford Falls, his hometown, he gets roped backed in. When he tries to travel to Europe and go to college, his father dies and he decides to keep The Building and Loan alive rather than let Potter rip off the town. Then his brother Harry graduates and he thinks that Harry will fulfill a promise and take over the family business. But Harry gets married and George decides to free him from his promise. Needless to say George never leaves Bedford Falls to pursue his dreams, and one night when everything seems to be going terribly George decides he wants to commit suicide. An angel saves him by showing him how many lives he's impacted by staying in Bedford Falls and warring against the local money launderer Mr.Potter.
I know that was kinda long and drawn out but it got me thinking. There are so many things I want out of life. I want to travel the world, I want a creative and meaningful job, a family, and just adventure in general. But even if I live the rest of my life out in Alabama and I never really create anything beautiful if can just have an impact on a few people's lives it'll be worth it. Sometimes I just get in this mindset where the grass is always greener. If I could just go to grad school, or move to a big city, or get a boyfriend then life would be perfect. But it just ain't so. It's just another chance for me to submit to God's authority and control in my life. Let not your longings slay your appetite for living!

Rest and Realization

Aaah yes, you've guessed it. I'm at home in Marietta and I've actually had time to marinate and do some good reading and heart searching. This semester (my first one doing this job that I do) has been hard. I've learned so much about myself and the nature of humanity. I don't know all that much about God, and I thought I did before this semester. I can't show up and make things happen, and I thought I could before this semester. I'm frail, fragile, and broken, and I don't really think I thought I was before this semester. There's been a void and I think the void has been the tangible experience of the grace of God. I've been so busy worrying about what to have girls study, and figuring out how to share the gospel in such a way that will make someone want to accept Christ that I've forgotten about experiencing Christ myself. As a result there's been this unquenchable hunger and thirst for love that's made me cry at movies, sigh at happy couples, and look at the Bible skeptically because it doesn't have arms to hold me with. I've been so hurried, anxious, and cynical that I've overlooked Christ. But I can behold Him in the faces of my dear friends, feel Him in the wind that envelopes me, and smell him in that chai tea that tempts me. When did I stop looking at the world with awe and wonder?

“My personal experience of the relentless tenderness of God came not from exegetes, theologians, and spiritual writers, but from sitting still in the presence of the living Word and beseeching Him to help me understand with my head and heart His written Word. Sheer scholarship alone cannot reveal to us the gospel of grace. We must never allow the authority of books, institutions, or leaders to replace the authority of knowing Jesus Christ personally and directly. When the religious views of others interpose between us and the primary experience of Jesus as the Christ, we become unconvicted and unpersuasive travel agents handing out brochures to places we have never visited.” – Brennan Manning (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

Fork in the Road?

There's this Jim Elliot quote that says something like: I want to be a fork in the road where people are forced to make a decision either for Christ or against Him. I know I botched it up but you get the general idea. Well, I really want to be that kind of a person but I'm just not. I get opportunitites to share the gospel with students just about everyday and I share the gospel alot but I don't know how to bring anyone to a point of decision. I've never led anyone to Christ. I can tell girls what I believe but just about every girl I talk to tells me she's a Christian eventhough so many times I suspect that they're not. I shared my concerns with my boss in my weekly report and he sent me this little quote, "What do you do with a doctor who says the right things when you are with them but never prescribes any medicine?" Crap. Lord help me to do your gospel justice by doing what I can to point out people's need for You. This is where it gets offensive Lord so give me boldness not only to share truth but to help people figure out where they are in the process of salvation. Cause me to believe in your love for me through Christ despite my continued failures and shortcomings.

Fighting that midsemester apathy

Well, tonight I'm sitting on the comfy green couch in my living room and having a rather good time laughing and joking around with my roomies.Our dog Lou is even on her best behavior tonight, she's fast asleep in doggie dreamland. Ginny and Alisa just helped me cut about 40 recipes out of old issues of Cooking Light. I'm determined to become more domestic, heck by the end of the year I'll be a regular gourmet. I love food I never really lose my taste for it. I just wish the same could be said for my relationship with God. I get so frustrated sometimes with myself because it seems like I can't feel Him anymore. I remind myself of truth over and over again but sometimes it just seems stale. Here's the truth people, I screw up about a million times a day. I mean it's my job to share the gospel with students and help them grow into maturity. That all sounds so noble but the truth is I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not all that mature myself. There are so many questions I don't know the answers to, so many problems that I don't know how to solve, and so many girls I haven't figured out how to connect with. Every night I come home with the sneaking suspicion that I haven't done enough and it creeps down into me so deep that I start believing that Jesus is dissapointed with me and I doubt that God can really use me here. I start thinking that God is a pissed off boss that's ready to fire me for misrepresentation. But on the other hand I've never needed Jesus more. Everytime I share the gospel and I'm one of the ones who leaves confused, everytime I'm overwhelmed with helplessness when I hear about the depression and desperation someone is experiencing and I feel shallow when I offer up my Jesus loves you, everytime I see girls who I think will never like me- it drives me into His arms.

On Love and Sweatpants

It's 10:30pm on a Friday night and guess what I'm doing? You guessed it! I'm lying here in bed wearing my warm fleece sweat pants contentedly typing on my laptop. I don't think there's anywhere else I'd rather be. All the roomates are out and about tonight so the house is pretty quiet and I'm loving it. When you work hard all week sometimes it's just nice to be able to bum around the house and be completely silent. In my line of work I have to do alot of talking and listening so it's nice sometimes to not have to do either. Today one of my friends told me that I needed to find a husband. I'm pretty sure that he was joking around as far as the wording of his suggestion goes but it kind of got me thinking. Being a girl is a funny thing. Our role in the whole relationship thing is to be a responder. The boy is interested, he shows interest and begins to pursue us, then and only then is it okay for us to let the cat out of the bag about how we feel. It can be a frustrating place to be, especially for me. I think that I must be the world's worst responder. I went on a blind date a while back with this incredible guy who was simple and witty, he'd just graduated from seminary and wanted to do ministry in China. The date went really well and I could tell that he was at least mildly interested by the way that he looked at me. But at the end of the date before he could do anything I just kind of shook his hand, accidentally denied him a hug and got into the car without really letting him initiate the ending of the date. I'm crazy. About 5 minutes later I realized what I did and there was no way to erase it. I didn't have his phone number and I hadn't even given him the opportunity to ask for mine and I had no way to go back and tell him that I really liked him despite my irrational behavior. Oh well, I've got to believe that God knows what He's doing. I'm convinced it will be a miracle if I get married. I'm not saying that in a negative way. It's just that I'm pretty guarded and cautious, I live in Smallville, Alabama and I'm a crazy black girl that hangs out with alot of white suburbanites. The cards just aren't stacked in my favor but I'm praying for a Boaz. Lord help me to believe that You've got me right where you want me right now and that the most satisfying love I can experience is the love of Christ. Be still my soul.
"Most of the noise in our souls is generated by our attempts to control the uncontrollable. We grasp after the wind. We rage, fear, and finally despair. . . . Be still, my soul. All that is hard now will be forgotten amid love's purest joys. This slight, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Cor. 4:17). Psalm 131 lives with eyes open." (excerpted from chapter four)- David Prowlison (Seeing with New Eyes)

Submission

Tonight was amazing, we sponsored this panel discussion on the topic, "Who is responsible for Katrina". It all boiled down to the fact that God is ultimately responsible for it, and if He is responsible can He be good? One professor said yes and that God has purposes that we can never fathom and the other guy of course said no and that God was a monster he'd never invite into his living room. He also demanded that God give an account for His actions. It was crazy,as I listened to the God-hater guy I really felt my heart drawn to his argument. I completely understood why people would think that God was evil. I mean He creates people specifically for destruction. I think I've been wrestling with this whole concept since I've been here in Montevallo but I just didn't want to admit it. My flesh flares up and wants to call God into account for every death, every rape, every child who starves to death or freezes to death because He's the only one that has the power to stop it all and He doesn't. I was thinking about all this stuff while I was walking to a bible study on campus and God hit me with it. I need to submit. He doesn't make this whole worshipping Him thing easy. He makes it hard, and mysterious, and seasoned with these crazy potholes that we can't wrap our brains around. I don't know why some people will spend eternity in hell and why I'm not one of them. It's just another opportunity to be humbled and realize the limits of my intelligence in respect to an all-knowing God. I'm dumb and I'll never be able to figure out the mind of the Lord and I really want to love Him.

But who are you, O man, to talk back to Go? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'Does not the potterhave the right to make out of the same lump of claysome pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

Rockin' the Frat House

I just got back from my first fraternity party, the Delta Chi Indian party. I've gotta admit that I had a great time getting all dressed up and the party was fun, the typical mix of college students mingling and getting drunk. It brought me back to my early college days. Freshman year me and my friends would get dressed up and go out dancing and just hope to meet cool people. We wanted to belong. I remember I spent most of my time during those nights comparing myself to other girls and feeling ugly, fat, and uninteresting because guys weren't just dying to talk to me or dance with me. That's what I saw tonight in the faces of those girls at the party. They want to belong, they want someone to show them that they're beautiful and worth it, they're out to prove that they've got something that no other girl in the room can offer, they're gauging their every action by the reactions of the people they think they desperately need love from, and I know that all of that is exhausting. I didn't know what to do tonight. I saw alot of girls that I've met and I made sure to at least say hi to them or give them a hug but I felt kind of helpless. I didn't want to cling onto anyone and I think that my desire not to be a burden may have communicated to some of them that I'm not really interested in deepening our relationship. When I left I said goodbye to one of my staff partners and he looked at his watch and said, "Lightweight". It made me feel bad, like I wasn't doing my job well because I left at midnight and I could've hung around later. I don't know, maybe I should have stayed. There's definitely no rule book for this job that tells me when I should push myself and when it's ok to go on home but I do have a relationship. I'm finding more and more that it's harder to draw near to Jesus than it is to adhere to the list of rules I've erected in my mind but Jesus is sweeter, warmer, and a hundred times more full of grace than my cold self-regulations.

Life is....

I moved down here to Montevallo about two weeks ago and life has been going 90 to nothing since I've been here. I've met a ton of students and God has really blessed me with good conversations and lots of opportunities to share my faith. God has also opened some doors for ministry in places I'd never expect. Two students who are involved in our ministry are partnering with me to start a bible study in Chi Omega (a sorority), and a book discussion about Blue Like Jazz in the Art Department. I'm so excited to see what God is going to do. I've got to admit that it's a little lonely here though, it's funny how eventhough I'm surrounded by students and my staff partners everyday all day I can feel alone. I think it's because I don't know anyone really well yet and I'm just used to having these deep friendships with my friends from home. It'll be okay it's only the second week, I'll connect with some people and get more fully adjusted. I gotta keep in mind that every friendship starts at the beginning and I just moved to a place where I don't know a bunch of people. There's just not a distinct seperation between my work and my personal life. It's hard for me to know what work is. I find myself living in guilt alot of the time because I feel like I'm not doing enough but I'm not exactly sure what more to do, and it feels like I'm on the go all day and all night. I have to miss Mountain Day this year because we're going on a whitewater rafting trip this weekend and I wish I could go see my friends but God is sovereign. I'm a little confused about some stuff right now. When Jesus commands us to deny ourselves, does that mean we shouldn't pursue the things that we are passionate about in life but instead just seek to meet others needs and lead people to Christ? How can I figure out how to give all I have and be poured out like a drink offering but still keep from losing myself completely? Or is losing yourself completely the point? I'm tempted to say that I don't even know who I am tonight but I do know that I am a daughter of God and that He accepts me completely because of Christ but what does that mean? Does that mean that I ought to spend every minute that I'm not doing ministry reading my bible, praying and meditating on scripture? Right now I just don't feel like I have much of a life or much freedom and I don't know whether it's just my flesh feeding me lies or whether this is something I need to do something about. Quiet my soul Lord and teach me to make them most of my time.

Rounding the finish line

Well, something big happened today. I'm now officially at 103.9% of my support goal through no fault of my own. As soon as the office verifies my numbers I should be able to high tail it to the University of Montevallo's campus. I'm really excited in a mellow sort of way. I guess when something has been this hard and this long it's kinda hard to believe that it's really true. I'm relieved but I think I'll be more relieved when I get the official go-ahead from my boss and our office guy. My main fear right now is that they will be like, "Well Renee since you're so close to 105% why don't you just stay home till you get that extra $27.08 pledged." But no matter what happens I'm certainly learning to trust the Lord. It's crazy at church yesterday the speaker talked about how incredibly large the know universe is and how in comparison how small the world is, much less us personally. And if the universe is just one of the things that God has created then He must be inexpressibly big, and big isn't even a good word for it. We're less than dust when compared with just the mere size of God, probably even less than the size of cells. "And these are but the outer fringes of His works; how faint the whisper we hear of Him! Who then can understand the thunder of His power?" Job 26:14. So many times I've tried to figure out why God didn't allow me to raise support more quickly but so much has happened that I wouldn't have expected this year. I've learned so much and it's been so good for me to be where I am, but I'm glad that my time here is coming to a close. There's nothing more humbling than for an independent, free- spirited person who's bent on changing the world to graduate from college and spend an entire year living at home with their parents, begging people to invest financially in the mission that they're passionate about. Maybe I shouldn't say it was humbling it was more than that it was sobering. It's been hard, but it's been a privilege and I feel like God has tempered me in so many ways. More than anything I guess I've learned that life is not easy and I'm going to have to fight to hang onto my sanity and my relationship with Jesus. Sometimes things seem so bad that I get lost in despair and part of me forgets that there really is a loving God who cares so much about us, eventhough we're smaller than dust to Him, that He sent His Son into this sin stained world. A world that refuses to believe in its own smallness, a world too wrapped up in paper money and Mercedes to see that in the big scheme of things fame and fortune are insignificant. Isn't it funny that in cities where the biggest edifices of human acheivement are in place, it's hardest to see the night stars that tell of the vastness of God's creation. He sent Jesus into all of this and Jesus blew alot of people away (either they loved Him or hated Him) because He said that the things we value and idolize so much here on earth don't matter too much. He said crazy things like "People that are really blessed are poor in spirit, people that mourn, the meek, people that hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and people who are persecuted because of righteousness." (Matthew 5:1-10 paraphrased). His life was a model for us in how we ought to live. He lived righteously despite persecution and then died a violent death in order that the very people who persecuted Him might come into intimate communion with the Father He loved above all. That's beautiful. Lord let my life be one of death so that people might know You. Let us fall upwards into the night sky and realize how tiny we are.

Out of the Depths

Well, tonight I'm back to the drawing board. For the second time in a two week span I thought I was at 100% of my support goal. Last night I was so excited and more than a little bit euphoric, but the crap hit the fan when I plugged all my numbers in the support spreadsheet today. I never liked spreadsheets, and I've got to admit I was really reluctant to trust this one. I calculated and recalculated my support total about 10 times but I'm still short about $80 a month. I could've made it look like I had 100% of my goal through this really shady method I won't even go into but just know I was more than tempted (I almost did it). I've been raising support for over a year and I'm ready for it to be over (in this off-campus form anyway). But I know that God has a million different reasons for having me where I am right now. Let me just tell you, my house is a zoo right now. Three of my cousins and my aunt, who are refugees from New Orleans, are living with my dad, mom, sister and I. It would've been so much easier for me to just fudge my sheets and escape this crowded house well, no that's not true. I don't think I would've been able to sleep easy in Montevallo knowing that I'd knowingly lied so that I could do "ministry" more quickly. I wouldn't have been able to share the gospel freely with anyone knowing that I'd taken matters into my own hands and played God. I'm learning alot about what trusting the Lord entails. Today I felt like David when he was waiting for God to fulfill His promise and make Him king of Isreal. He was hiding out deep in a cave when King Saul happened to stop in the cave and go to the bathroom. David could have killed him but he stopped himself because he knew that the Lord never violates His law to carry out His promises and purposes. God will make an honest woman of me yet. It's crazy, I told alot of my friends that I was done and now I'm going to have to explain again. I really really don't want to. It might be one of those weeks when I just don't answer my cellphone. I was talking to my mom tonight and just telling her about all the stupid things I've done like lose a $200 check, miscalculate my support twice, and blow up in front of my cousin. Just talking things out with her reminded me that the gospel is not for the well but the sick. "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance" Luke 5:31. Tonight I'm a sick, sick sinner ( I guess I am every night, I'm just realizing it more tonight) but I am more grateful for my Jesus who knows about all my clutsiness, and all the times I've rammed my car into things, lost important papers, said the wrong thing at the wrong time, was too lazy to balance my checkbook and bounced 3 checks in a row, and He still pursues me with His unconditional love in spite of everything. He loves me with the passion and recklessness that drove Him to spill out His precious blood for all my rebelliousness. I don't know why, but He wants all the love that's in this dirty, callous heart. Lord make me like Moses tonight who "regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. (Heb11:26)". Piper says, “Knowing all that Christ promises to be for you both now and forever is the power to take whatever suffering love costs.” If it costs me one more week of what seems to be pointless monotony, embarassment, and discomfort in order for girls at the University of Montevallo to see and experience Christ's love through my life, I'll take it.

"The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through His own blood. Let us, then go to Him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace He bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come." - Hebrews 13:11-14

Soul Grinding

Well, it's been another day of not so labor intensive support raising. Good news friends, I ran 2 and a half miles at the park today. I can't wait till I start seeing the results of all of this running. I think if I'd quit eating so much sugar I might see them just a little faster (he he). Today had its upsides and its downsides. I made a lunchtime support appointment for tommorrow with one of my friends from high school that I haven't really talked to in an incredibly long time. I also called one of the elders from a church I've been asking about support for a while and he's going to let me speak in their church service next Sunday so that I can ask people in the congregation to support me. I think the church in general is also going to come on my support team too, I hope so at least. But on the flip-side I had a $40 a month supporter drop off my team today and I was kinda bummed. I've gotta trust the Lord though, I just can't worry myself about what I can't control. I believe that God really does cause all things to work for His glory and our good but it's just hard sometimes for me to understand. Sometimes I really feel like there's this constant grinding going on in my soul. If things don't work out the way that I want them to I'm so quick to ask God what I'm doing wrong and so I spend weeks sometimes living under the dark cloud of condemnation. The truth is that I am probably doing something wrong because I can't seem to live a minute of my life perfecly. I get nervous and fumble over my words when I make calls, I forget to send people thank you cards, and I give into despair and cry on a regular basis. But I think I just haven't come to terms with my own depravity and God's unmerited mercy through Jesus. Everytime I see a glimpse of the blackness of my soul it throws me into despair. I don't want to believe I'm really THAT bad. In reality I'm far worse than I could ever imagine (in the paraphrased words of Tim Keller), but God's grace is far deeper, wider, and longer than I've ever dared to dream. I always think that if I could have done a better job here or there than I would be done by now. I think, If I could just perform perfectly than God will give me everything I desire. But nothing could be further from the truth. My loving Father marked out everyday of this process before a day of it came into existence. He's just as interested in the journey as He is in the results. So yes, raising support has been hard and I've made millions of mistakes. But when I finally make it to Montevallo it will be by the sheer grace of Jesus Christ not because I've done anything especially bold, brave or valiant. These are the truths that strengthen my soul and prepare it for another day of being thrown on the brillo pad.

Revving it on up!

Alright, Wow! I'm off to the races. I'm excited about having this new outlet for my thoughts. Right now life's got me in a very interesting place. I'm waiting. I feel like my whole life there's been an agenda and a pace like, "Ok, Renee here's what comes next." But right now there are no clear cut answers, no guarantee of any kind of completion date, and no blue print for what my life is supposed to look like. It's a little scary, a little exciting, and a little frustrating. All I can do is cling to my Savior and trust in His promises.

" Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to posess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
- The Valley of Vision

Oh, it's me and I'm excited!