Broken

Everything is broken. I try to pick up the pieces and make it ok but things just keep falling apart. I desperately try to cover it up and He keeps throwing back the covers and leaving me naked. I keep coming face to face with the ugliness of my own heart and I don't know how to fix it. Life seems like a never ending struggle, and most of the struggling I do is with myself. I've been pretty angry, mostly because I can't have what I want when I want it. I say I love Him, I say He's enough, I say I'm surrendered but why am I still standing with a floor length Christmas list of desires. A couple of months ago I finally got honest with the Lord and started asking for the thing that I long for most in life. It just dawned on me tonight that that request should have been for more of Him, but I'm not there yet. I think He is tearing away every false security and idol from my heart. He's luring me into the wilderness but not alone. And I find myself lonely and screaming and stomping and refusing to let Him hold me but I just don't know if I know how to lay in His arms.



Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
- John Donne

Whom have I in heaven but You, and earth has nothing I desire but You. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.(Psalm 73:25-26) Lord work this down into my heart!

It's 5:30am and I just got in bed. There's busy and there's just plain stupid. I don't know when my schedule has been this jam packed . Last night I didn't go to bed until 6am. My drawing class and starting this week, my Holistic ministry course are sucking up my time. Juggling all this school work with a job that has an out of control schedule is a little more challenging than I expected. Thankfully I haven't had a meltdown yet but I have become addicted to banana chips (I love the crunchy goodness). There's got to be a way to live a more simple life. What do people who don't work all the time do? I'm fading fast....good night- or morning, I can't tell the difference anymore.