Its Christmas Eve and I'm right at home in Marietta, GA. Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since I've been here. Its really hard to get around and see all the people who want to be seen in your hometown and fell like you're resting at the same time, but I love my old friends and I suddenly have this new desire to keep in touch with them. It's probably a little premature to write an end of the year blog but I'm going for it. 2007 has been a dang good year! Even my family is making leaps and strides. Tonight I cooked dinner, my mom made dessert and we played Scrabble. It was fun! I think that's my prayer for our family this year, that we'd learn to have fun together and enjoy eachother's company. I think that until we learn to enjoy one another no one else is really going to want to be a part of our family. Don't get me wrong, we don't hate eachother. We can talk and be friendly we're just not really friends. My brother couldn't come home for Christmas again this year because he has to work :(, so its just the four of us Mom, Dad, my sister, and me. We've had a good time so far and I'm praying it'll continue into tommorrow. Anyways...back to the year in review. My word for this year was Discipline and the Lord really did it. From teaching me how to eat healthy to showing me over and over again that I can never be Jesus to people, its been hard and good. Last year at this time Mandii Rowland was talking to me about getting engaged. This Christmas Mandii Erwin told me that she's having a baby!!!! Amazing! Here are my New Year's resolutions:
1.Make a decision about staying on or leaving staff
2.Memorize a passage of scripture
3.Date someone (or at least go out on a date)

That's all I've got right now.

News Flash

My brand new favorite song is Griffin House's Ordinary Day. I'm fully convinced that this guy's been reading my journal. I dig it!

The heart of things...

I didn't want to go to church this morning...and I don't think I would've if I hadn't felt obligated. Its become this extension of my job, where I think people just expect me to be there and have college students with me. I guess I can thank God for obligations. The biggest reason I didn't want to show up this morning was because I knew there wouldn't be many college students there since it's Thanksgiving weekend, and I don't like feeling alone. I knew Matt and Rob would be sitting with their respective love interests and I just wanted to be invisible. I almost asked my roomate if I could go to church with her this morning, I almost stopped and spent the morning reading my bible in Starbucks. After pulling in the parking lot and turning my car off I said, " I don't want to be here Lord" out loud then got out and went into Sunday school.
It was good, eventhough alot of times I resent having to go to the college Sunday school class and there are times that I don't listen out of pure rebellion, this morning Dave talked about covetousness. Coveting is the insatiable desire for what someone else has and it is rooted in a heart that doesn't believe that God has provided for them exactly what they need for that moment in time. I was convicted and comforted.
I was planning to sit in the back of the sanctuary so no one would notice me but as I began to walk toward the sanctuary I ran into Ms. Nell Whitehead. She's one of the older women in our church. We started talking and I ended up sitting with her. She introduced me to alot of the older people in the congregation. It was different and nice. I've been so blind, I don't have to be alone. There are plenty of people to love I just need the Lord to open my eyes and my heart. Lord give we a heart of joy and gratitude- anything I enjoy today that is better than the fires of hell is an act of your grace and mercy.

The City of Brotherly Love

Philadelphia. Last weekend Amanda and I descended on that great northern city and were met with the incredible hospitality of Gene and Laura Twilley. I came into the weekend tired, sleep deprived, and not really knowing what to expect but it was so fun! I left behind two unfinished drawings that are both being turned in late, and lots of work that I needed to do but it was so worth it. We ate pretzels made by a fine Amish-man (Amanda was really attracted to him), we saw the Liberty Bell, ate fresh pasta from the Italian district, ran a half-marathon we didn't really train for, talked to some really cute northern guys on the subway, and I managed to lose my purse in downtown Philly and find it again. It was quite an adventure. It made me want to move to a big city but it also brought me face to face with the realization that life doesn't magically get better if you move to a new town. I mean I moved out to Montevallo two and a half years ago and I didn't know anyone really well. I kind of wanted a fresh start, and I got one, but the crap I struggled with before I came here is the same crap I'm having to deal with now. Moving just magnified the fact that many of my problems are caused by the sin inside of my own heart and not my circumstances, I've just managed to recreate the unhealthy situations I ran away from. I long for change but I think the change I really want is the kind of inner heart change only God can do. I want a heart that's open to give and receive love from God and other people. I think you can be just as lonely in a big exciting city as you can be in a small town. I don't care where I live as long as I live where love is.

Thanksgiving

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?
(Psa 77:11-13)

Things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:
1. A full belly and the $75 in my checking account
2. That God allowed me to find my purse when I lost it last week in downtown Philly
3. Chai tea lattes, pumpkin flavored anything and banana chips
4. That Jesus died to save screwups and sinners like me
5. My imperfect but perfectly lovable family- Mom, Dad, Jason & Chaunene
6. Good Music: Tired of My Tears- Susan Tedeschi (check it out)
7. The rain that the Lord sent last night (we really need it here in GA)
8. Where I am in life- working for Campus Outreach in Montevallo, single
9. The fact that I won't always be here
10. The promise that, " He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also along with Him graciously give us all things." (God promises to provide, why am I always so scared?)
11. The hope of a better world and a God that longs to employ me in His work of redemption
12. My mom's potato salad
13. Old Friends who love and understand me- Kathryn, Sara, Angel & Nick, Anna & BJ
14. Anna & BJ's baby that we'll all get to meet in a few months
15. The uncertainty and confusion that drive me to trust in Jesus

Labor of Love

I'm more tired tonight then I've been in a long time. I think I've just being going going going and its finally catching up with me. So I'm in my pj's laying on the blue couch, in my quiet apartment, listening to the newest Sandra McCracken cd- Gravity Love, which is pretty good; and writing. There's been quite alot going on in my life and my heart lately. This semester has been maybe the best one I've ever had on campus which is just so ironic. I'm more confused than I've ever been in my whole life and I think that the Lord is humbling me in that way. Last night I had a bunch of girls over at my house and we got into a really good discussion about true Christianity. This verse took on a whole new meaning for me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
(2Co 12:9)

Alot of the girls have been coming to me lately and confessing that they're struggling with lust and sexual immorality, so a group of us took a day to fast and pray, then we had a time of confession and discussion before we broke the fast. It was amazing. We see eachother everyday and we seem to have it all together but the dark struggles that we admitted to proved that we are nowhere close to having this whole loving God thing down. There was so much freedom in the air. The world and the church (mostly the men in these places) tell women that they don't struggle with things like lust and all the actions that flow from it, and we don't correct them. So most women are alone in their sin feeling like freaks, and unable to ask for help. It all boils down to saving face. That's what the world is all about, appearance & reputation. When the church is a hospital for the sick and not a social club for cleanly washed and pressed, it is then that the gospel will truly have an impact. What makes God look great? I think it's the fact that He loves and died for a bunch of girls who struggle with addictions to sexual fantasies, masturbation, sleeping with their boyfriends, and obsessing over getting a boyfriend and getting married.

One mark of true Christianity, the freedom to be honest about who you really are and being free from having to save face. We are all addicts, like alcoholics or druggies, the Lord is weaning us from the things we look to for love, intimacy and comfort and it feels like He's killing us but in reality He's saving us from certain destruction. We almost look down at people in rehab clinics and think that they've really got problems but I think that until we see ourselves in their faces there will be no freedom and no real love for Jesus and what He has done for us. What do you need Him for if you're really not THAT bad, or at least you're not as bad as THAT person. Quit trying to justify it and look it in the face, call it what it is whether its an addiction to sexual immorality, gluttony, pride, apathy, approval, comparison, escapism, dark thoughts of unbelief...you pick your poison. Whatever it is its your standard coping mechanism in this fallen world and Jesus is standing there like a greived husband begging you to give up your lover and come home to Him. One of the girls brought up this verse last night:

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.
(Luk 12:2-3)

She said that it scared her but how beautiful will be the day when we can shout aloud the darkness of our sin to show the greatness of our Savior. What kind of love is this?

“He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their…service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final break through to fellowship does not occur, because though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among them. So we remain alone with our sin, living lies and hypocrisy. The fact is we are sinners. But it is the grace of the Gospel, which is so hard for the pious to understand, that it confronts us with the truth and says: You are a sinner, a great desperate sinner; now come as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you…He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. God has come to save the sinner.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

My Stupid Mouth

Herein lies the problem...My mouth. Thursday in the Caf I made a promise, I said that if the girl's soccer team won their first game at the GSC conference I'd come down to Pensacola and watch them play at 11am on Sunday. Joey text messaged me last night to let me know that they won which means...I'm on my way tommorrow morning. Am I glad? Yes and no. I'm excited that they won and that they're going to be in the championship but I just don't want to go. I want to go to church and sleep tommorrow. I've been running around all week and weekend and I feel so far from the Lord. Tommorrow I have to ride down to Pensacola alone all because I can't say no or even just maybe.

“…Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats; it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way, the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul. Now that cellar is out of reach of my conscious will. I can, to some extent control my acts: I have no direct control over my temperament (emotions). And if what we are matters even more than what we do—then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, voluntary efforts cannot bring about. And that applies to my good actions too…I cannot, by direct moral effort, give myself new motives. After the first few steps of the Christian life we realize that everything which needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God…and in reality, it is God who does everything. We, at most, allow it to be done to us.” C S Lewis, Mere Christianity.

Broken

Everything is broken. I try to pick up the pieces and make it ok but things just keep falling apart. I desperately try to cover it up and He keeps throwing back the covers and leaving me naked. I keep coming face to face with the ugliness of my own heart and I don't know how to fix it. Life seems like a never ending struggle, and most of the struggling I do is with myself. I've been pretty angry, mostly because I can't have what I want when I want it. I say I love Him, I say He's enough, I say I'm surrendered but why am I still standing with a floor length Christmas list of desires. A couple of months ago I finally got honest with the Lord and started asking for the thing that I long for most in life. It just dawned on me tonight that that request should have been for more of Him, but I'm not there yet. I think He is tearing away every false security and idol from my heart. He's luring me into the wilderness but not alone. And I find myself lonely and screaming and stomping and refusing to let Him hold me but I just don't know if I know how to lay in His arms.



Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
- John Donne

Whom have I in heaven but You, and earth has nothing I desire but You. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.(Psalm 73:25-26) Lord work this down into my heart!

It's 5:30am and I just got in bed. There's busy and there's just plain stupid. I don't know when my schedule has been this jam packed . Last night I didn't go to bed until 6am. My drawing class and starting this week, my Holistic ministry course are sucking up my time. Juggling all this school work with a job that has an out of control schedule is a little more challenging than I expected. Thankfully I haven't had a meltdown yet but I have become addicted to banana chips (I love the crunchy goodness). There's got to be a way to live a more simple life. What do people who don't work all the time do? I'm fading fast....good night- or morning, I can't tell the difference anymore.

Swimming in It

...the sea of uncertainty that is. There's so much going on in my heart and my mind right now. I'm thinking about leaving my job and going to art school. I think I want to be an art professor. Should I stay or should I go? You'd think that'd be an easy decision to make but its so much deeper. Ya see... I signed this contract that said I'd stay on staff until August 2009 unless I got married or I felt the direct leading of the Lord elsewhere. I don't want to go unless it really is God leading me to and not my own selfish desires because I'm the only staff girl here. My time on staff has been hard, killer hard but at the same time its been sweet because Jesus is all I've had to cling to.
I was reading Genesis 15 this weekend, its about God's covenant with Abram. Abram is this old childless man who God promised to give land and offspring as numberous as the stars to. He believes what God says and its credited to him as righteousness. I imagine Abram the nomad, longing for a country he could call home and a son and heir and then I think of myself. I feel like all I have right now are my longings I long to pursue art, I long to be married, I long for closeness with friends. I know these longings aren't wrong but I have received no promise concerning any of these things. S o I asked God to give me a promise to claim and this is what He gave me:

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind. Therefore I am terrified at his presence; when I consider, I am in dread of him.
(Job 23:10-15)

He will complete what He appoints for me and many such things are in his mind! The fight is to believe that God loves me and is doing what's best for me even in this. I'm really learning what it means to wait on the Lord in full dependence.

Confessional

I'm officially stuck in the 90's. This morning before I went to church I downloaded this Dave Matthews song from his solo album Little Devil the song is called- Stay or Leave. Its beautiful. I love his music. I know I shouldn't because its not hip but I've gotta admit that I'm still a closet DMB fan. There's just something earthy and mystical about his music. I have another prototypical 90's habit. I only buy flare leg jeans. I hope they stay in style forever. Because I've been buying them since middleschool and I can't seem to convince myself that bootcut or even the new tapered style are going to look as good on me.
Anyways, I was drinking a Peach Pear Smoothie at Eclipse (the finest food establishment in Mo-town) with Alicia last week and they had their satellite radio set on a 90's station. I was transfixed ... well, maybe transported back to 8th grade field trips where we'd sit in the back of the bus and trade cd's, and spend hours talking about and listening to Bush, Smashing Pumpkins, Tori Amos, the Cranberries, Stone Temple Pilots, U2, Nirvana, Duran Duran, and the Cure. Music meant so much to us back then. Formative years and formative friends. i miss them.

It's Saturday night and I'm back on the blue couch in my black fleece pants. I'm a little sick, I've got a head cold. My roommate Erin and I just got back from seeing The Nanny Diaries in our pj's, with lots of candy in our purses. Its been a good night. I've been thinking alot about friendship today and how real friendship is hard to find and hard to give at the same time. In our culture it seems like for the most part your friends become your family. Especially if you're single and living away from home. But this poses somewhat of a problem- familial relationships are pretty stable because you're related and you can't change that. Friends are the people who you choose to let into your life. By their very nature friendships are more noncommittal and unstable, and because of this they can often be pretty competitive.
I've seen myself put up walls with different women because I felt like if I really let them in they were going to jeopardize my standing in my perceived "friend family" (Matt and Rob). I was scared that they were just using me to get to the guys (and some of them may have been doing that). But its intimidating when the friends you love and value think another girl is more fun or engaging than you are.
I really think this kind of thing is what keeps women from having really close relationships with each other. We're scared. We're scared that if we let a beautiful, intelligent, lively new friend into our circle she'll get more attention than us, and that the boys we like will like her more than they like us. But I'm seeing that this mentality, this way of operating is toxic and it only pushes people away and leaves us alone. We demand a kind of friendship that we can control. We put up walls and are careful about who we introduce them to. Its selfish. We're playing god. Its arrogant to think that I can control who is friends with who, and what people think about eachother. If God wants two people to be together I will not be able to stand in His way.
I think we just have a tendency to use eachother- what can this person help me do? who can i meet through this person? how does this person make me look? We think of everything but the other person. Lord help me to repent, change my heart.

Poem: "Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man" by Alice N. Persons, from Don't Be A Stranger.

Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man

you bring me all the things I order
are never in a bad mood
always have a jaunty wave as you drive away
look good in your brown shorts
we have an ideal uncomplicated relationship
you're like a cute boyfriend with great legs
who always brings the perfect present
(why, it's just what I've always wanted!)
and then is considerate enough to go away
oh, UPS Man, let's hop in your clean brown truck and elope !
ditch your job, I'll ditch mine
let's hit the road for Brownsville
and tempt each other
with all the luscious brown foods —
roast beef, dark chocolate,
brownies, Guinness, homemade pumpernickel, molasses cookies
I 'll make you my mama's bourbon pecan pie
we'll give all the packages to kind looking strangers
live in a cozy wood cabin
with a brown dog or two
and a black and brown tabby
I'm serious, UPS Man. Let's do it.
Where do I sign?

Tonight Tonight

I just got back from our 1st official CO function of the year. We had a party at Matt and Rob's. It was amazing. I got to see the Alpha Gamma Delta ladies- Jessica (who over the summer has decided to go by Jessica-Lauren), Amy (who refuses to eat fruits and vegetables), Amber (who doesn't know what to think about God), and Alica and Laura (who I love). It was so good for my soul. We laughed ridiculously loud, introduced ourselves to every freshman at the party, and did nerdy dances that people usually do in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

I've been wrestling with alot of uncertainty lately and tonight I just did not feel the pressure to do anything but have fun and love people. I think I had more fun tonight than I've had in teo years. Freedom. I met this hilarious freshman boy (who is 18 by the way) who flirted with me and told me that I was pretty until he asked me what year I was and I told him I was 25 years old and that I work with Campus Outreach. You should have seen his face. Flirting with near-minors should be illegal (it probably is in most states but this is Alabama). I really gotta be careful.

SALUTATION
O generation of the thoroughly smug
and thoroughly uncomfortable,
I have seen fishermen picnicking in the sun,
I have seen them with untidy families,
I have seen their smiles full of teeth
and heard ungainly laughter.
And I am happier than you are,
And they were happier than I am;
And the fish swim in the lake
and do not even own clothing.
Ezra Pound

I'm back in Montevallo for good. My dad and mom came and helped us move into our fun new apartment on Friday and despite all the boxes and piles of things I need to throw away its already beginning to feel like home, which is really comforting.

Lately I've had more questions about life than answers. Why am I doing this? What's next? How can I figure out what the Lord wants me to do? But last night I went to see the girl's soccer team play an exhibition game at Montevallo and it was the first time I've been able to see Hooper, Joey, Luda, Stacey, Corey, and Cath since I've been back. It was so good. I love them! I want them to know Jesus but I don't know what to do but beg Jesus to work in their hearts.

I get overwhelmed really easily and with all the girls moving in this week, when I still need to finish up semester plans, raise support, and organize the apartment- I feel a little anxious. I don't know if I have anything to give, and people's expectations scare me. When you're a staff girl people, especially students, tend to look at you like some kind of spiritual guru. "If I can just meet with Renee, she can help me with this." When the truth is that I'm probably more confused than they are and the same storehouse of wisdom that lives in me, lives in them because that storehouse is Christ. I cannot be all things to all women, when I try my life an my mind fall apart but I can point them to the One who can be that for them.

I'm seeing just how little Iam impacted by Jesus, and how much of my ministry flows from my own strength, wisdom, and efforts instead of the power of the Holy Spirit. Things have to change and He's going to have to do the changing.

There's a communion wafer moon
Dissolving on the blue tongue of the sky

Sometimes the whole world is nothing
So much
As an altar inviting us
To kneel

- Linford Detweiler

Once

I saw a good movie today. Its called Once. Its about 2 ordinary musicians who meet and its magic. The music in this movie is amazing, if you like indie acoustic stuff you'll love this. Its not a traditional love story but its really beautiful. I was surprised at how much I liked it. I don't want to give anything away but I just loved how real the characters were. They really captured the awkwardness, hesitancy, and imperfection that come along with love. Anyways, go see it.

Hometown Stompdown

You guessed it I've finally made my way to Marietta, GA. I've got two weeks off so I'm going to definitely spend a week here and I might spend a week in Birmingham too, I'm not sure yet. Yesterday I slept in till noon- I seriously haven't done that for like a year and it felt dang good. I want to rest but I've got so much to do and I'm scared (as usual) that I'm not going to get it all done and I'm going to singlehandedly screw up my own life. Being back home makes me want to be a kid again. My parents are so great about taking care of me. I pulled into the driveway on Saturday night and it was pouring rain outside. The minute I turned my car off my dad opened the garage door and started taking bags out of my car- sweet man. When I got into the house my mom had a million things she wanted to talk to me about and show me. They want me here, I don't have to try - it feels nice. I really want to know my dad better and I don't know how. He's this quiet, hardworking guy who's always been there for me as far as being an incredible provider but emotionally we've never quite connected but I know he loves me... Anyways, the great thing about being a kid was that your parents took care of all the important stuff. As an adult I've got to admit that I struggle with thinking of everything. My work is pretty all-consuming so I suck at keeping up relationships outside of the students I hang with in Montevallo, I'm not good at raising support, or making sure all my ducks are in a row as far as insurance, oil changes, doctor's appointments. I feel like I'm always running to stay on top of things at the last minute. Life is trial and error right? Oh my gosh, my sweet friend Kat is randomly home from her life in Nashville this week too! I'm so excited - I love her!!!!!

Its been a crazy summer. It climaxed for me last Thursday night as I found myself alone and crying uncontrollably (the silent kind, thankfully) in Panera Bread. You know you're a homeless gypsy when the only place you feel comfortable enough to cry in is the couch of a public eatery. What can I say- the world is my living room. Anyways, we've been studying the book of Mark the whole summer and its been really good for me. I 've been looking at the life of Christ and feeling really bad about myself. Jesus pushes through the pain and hangs out with people even when He's tired, He manages to go to bed late and get up at the butt-crack of dawn to spend time with God, He always knows what to say and how to say it. I've been trying to follow His example for so long but a couple of days ago as I was reading Mark I felt like I heard God say, (not audibly of course) " Renee, you're not Jesus, you NEED Jesus." Wow! I know that's pretty elementary but I've been living like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I don't save the world, its not going to get done. I sit down to pray and I almost don't want to because there are so many people that I know who need prayer. I feel guilty because I can't seem to be best friends with every girl on Beach Project. I keep racking my brain trying to fix people, and Jesus keeps saying, "Renee- just love me, just follow me and I'll do what needs to get done through you." I'm living like I have to make myself perfect and I can't do it anymore. Hallelujah!

Back in the Saddle

It's my sixth summer. The sixth summer I've used this season of the year to either come down to Summer Beach Project, or go overseas with Campus Outreach. My perspective is so different than it has ever been. I just don't feel like I have anything to prove to anyone this time around. I really just want to love people and work for Jesus alone this summer. But at the same time I feel absolutely exhausted. I'm learning so much... For a long time I've just been going back and forth about staying on staff with Campus Outreach. I don't enjoy raising support, I don't enjoy feeling inadequate, but I have learned more about the Lord and more about myself and my own insecurities than I would've anywhere else. I love the girls God has brought into my life and I love how Jesus is stretching me here and forcing me to trust Him. Things are not perfect! But nothing is and I want to be a part of the solution. I figure I can criticize and give up or I can commit myself to doing all I can to make it better. I keep thinking about how this is really training me to persevere in my marriage (if that's what the Lord has for me). When you make a commitment and say for better or for worse you don't give up. When things get hard you just keep saying - I'm not giving up on you, no matter how much you hurt me. I am committed to loving you and keeping my heart soft toward you. So I've decided to stick it out and honor my contract. I'll be in Montevallo till August 2009 baby! But I think this year I'm going to take an art class at UM, and I also signed up for this really interesting Holistic Ministry class at Red Mountain- getting out and about you know.

Alien and Stranger

I'm a traveling gypsy. I leave next week for Egypt, when I get back I'll pack up all my belongings, move them out of the Dirty White House and into storage, then head down to Destin, Florida for the summer. Admittedly I'm a bit uneasy, because we haven't secured a place to live for the fall yet but the Lord will provide.
Today was graduation here at UM. Two of my roomates (Erin & Alisa) graduated, so I went to see them walk and I really enjoyed it. Mandii, Camilla, Carl, Janell, and Marcus graduated too so I'm glad that I went. Its been 3 years since I graduated from college. That is insane to me! I remember that right out of college feeling, the excitement and uncertainty, the lack of clear direction, the grasping for something concrete- a job, a place to live- just some kind of security. I'm not so sure I've left that place. I'm still out here in uncharted territory, the only difference is that I've made my peace with not knowing, and taking things a day at a time. Its crazy just yesterday I was having breakfast with my roomates- laughing and playing around. Tonight, two of them are gone and the whole dynamic in our house has changed literally overnight. Life is change.
Just about every minute of the day there's a deep desire in my heart to love and be loved. I think that's why I go in and out of periods of struggling with singleness. I've been seeing lately that in lots of circumstances I reject love in my life if its not in the form I want to receive it. But tonight it was just so good- we had a big graduation party at the house and I just felt the love coming off of everybody. And I started thinking about that line from some old Dave Matthews Band song, "What I want is what I've not got but what I need is all around me." My life is so full if I have eyes to see it. Right now there is nothing stable to rest my feet on but Jesus Christ, and I can't help thinking that right now that's exactly how He wants it to be.

"In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised. That is why his faith was counted to him as righteousness."

Things feel crazy and uncertain to me right now but the essence of faith is believing in the promise of God despite the impossibility of the circumstance. God is the God of the impossible. He longs to make a roadway in the wilderness and streams in the desert for those who trust Him.

egypt

Alright, so I decided that I'm going to Egypt in May. I'm very well aware that my entire last post was mostly about how I absolutely was not going but I'm going. It's kinda crazy, one of my friends is leading the trip and I told him no five times but he wouldn't take no for an answer. We had three massive conversations about faith and unbelief and I ended up deciding to go. I'm excited but of course I'm scared too.

This whole crazy situation has taught me so much:

1. I don't believe God will provide for me - the biggest reason I had ruled Egypt out was because it requires me to have to raise support. I hate raising support so much because I don't trust God.

2. I don't know how to just be friends with guys- another big reason I didn't want to go is because there are a few attractive guys going and I hate getting caught up in one-sided love so...its just easier to just hang with girls. My mindset has been - you're my boyfriend or you're nothing, and as a result I've fallen into putting the "husband hat" (as a good friend of mine would say) on every attractive guy I meet. I come looking to see what I can get instead of coming to see what I can give. When intead I need to be committed to loving my brothers in Christ without looking for some kind of payback.

This is simple stuff but it has been pretty revolutionary for me in the past few weeks. And its been cool because I've had to confess alot of sin lately and I've felt so much love from the body of Christ. Thank God for brothers and sisters who are not afraid to push me.

I'm excited about going to Egypt because:
1. pyramids
2. I'm not in charge of the trip or responsible for anything or anyone
3. meeting Egyptians and finding out what their culture is like

On Hearing the Voice of God

Its been a long time but tonight I'm so in the mood to write that my thoughts are flying faster than my fingers and all this, this expression might not make any sense at all. So much has been going on in my heart and mind the past couple of months and I just want to say it all.

I've been reading this book about a woman's role in the family and society and its really challenged me. I mean its got me asking whether or not women should be in full-time ministry. But I think the biggest thing its showed me is that I am really easily swayed by the opinions and interpretations of man.

Two of my friends have been trying to talk me into going to Egypt for 10 days in the month of May. On Tuesday I said I was 90% yes, but I've been praying about it and there is just no desire in my heart to go. I do want Muslim people to know Christ but I'm not convinced that this is the right time for me to. I heard about the trip a long time ago and never had the desire to go. I just started wanting to go because other people wanted me there. That's not God moving in my heart, and leading me to go.

It is not an easy thing to hear the voice of God. I believe that He can speak to us through other people and through His Word but honestly I'm not sure I know how to pray and wait to hear an answer from the Lord. I usually just get impatient and make a decision. I feel like I use books and other people to form black and white laws for myself so I can avoid having to wait on the Lord. My prayer is usually, Lord this is my decision, if you don't want me to do it You better stop me. But what if my heart said, Lord I'm not moving from here until you tell me to move. I will do nothing unless I know its what You have for me today.

Ok, maybe I'm being a little extreme. I mean I'm going to get up and go to work because I know its what the Lord wants me to do but what about the stuff in the grey, the stuff that could be good but may not be best. Egypt could be great because I'd learn about a new culture, get to love and share with people, and form friendships with people my age. It might not be best because of the money, and the timing. I have to move and a couple of days after we get back I've got to be in a wedding.

It just hard for me to say no when people really want me to go. I prayed specifically for something (that will remain nameless) to happen if the Lord wanted me to go and it didn't happen. I don't think my desire to go is really strong enough... I dunno I feel like I can easily fill my life up with good things but I want to do the best things.

My new year's day

I'm 25 years old today! I slept till 10:30am, I'm currently jamming out to Jump (Between the Dawn and the Dusk). I'm seriously considering going out to lunch instead of going to the Caf. I made a doctor's appointment for today as my present to myself. I can't wait to party this weekend. It's gonna be a good day!

Being where I am

Its been a while. I've been really busy lately and I haven't had alot to say. We had a staff training meeting in Carrolton, GA yesterday and today, so I decided to stay with my parents this weekend. I mean I can't come to Georgia and not see them. The meeting was really challenging. We talked about vision and evangelism and living radically for Christ. It was really good for me to hear but I couldn't help leaving and feeling a little overwhelmed and inadequate. Inadequacy has become the story of my life, being bold in sharing my faith and bringing people to a point of decision scares me and , I feel like I don't love God enough or know Him enough to be leading girls, but He is faithful and this is where He has me.
In spite of all my doubts and fears God has been so sweet and consistent in showing me His love and faithfulness in a million little ways. Today for instance on the way to my parent's house I was thinking about how I needed to get my oil changed and how hungry I was. So I prayed, "Lord let there be an oil change place within walking distance from the Chick-fil-A off this exit." I don't know if that was selfish or not but there was a Jiffy Oil Lube 20ft from the Chick-fil-A. I dropped my car off and inside I'm greeted by Michelle Watkins (formerly DeCampli- she was the staff girl at Berry when I was a student), her husband Chad, and Ying (CO Thailand staff). It was great! Not to get all health and wealth on you but God really cares about little things like that.
Here's another example, Mandii Rowland, an incredible girl I've met with since I came on staff at UM, is getting married in May (crazy huh! ). She didn't have much money to buy a wedding dress - about $100, so she just started praying that God would provide. A friend of her fiance's gave him $200 to go toward the dress, so she took the $300 and went shopping with her soon to be mother-in-law. She fell in love with a gorgeous dress at one of the dress stores but it was $660. There was a website on the tag so she wrote it down to see if she could get it online but when she looked it was listed for $1,000. At this point her mother-in- law talked to her soon to be father-in-law and said, " Mandii needs this dress!" To which he replied, " We need to trust God." So she started calling different stores around town to see if she could at least find one that was similar, the last store she called had the exact dress that she loved for $250. It was so miraculous because it's a designer Fall 2006 wedding dress.
One more... My struggle with singleness comes and goes but around Christmastime I started "talking" to a couple different guys. It was all very awkward of course and nothing panned out but for the first time in a really long time (years even) I am crush-free. Everytime I even start thinking about a guy, within one or two days God lets me find out that he's dating or interested in someone else. Its good, crazy but good. In the midst of so many people getting married around me (three of the ladies I meet with got engaged in the past two months), or finding a fun dating partner, God has given me alot of peace about being single (at least He has for the last two weeks). Its crazy how much easier it is to relate to single guys when you're not worried about whether they like you or not. So... I know that for today at least the Lord has called me to be alone and its good.

Discipline

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
(Heb 12:11)

For a long time its been a dirty word in my vocabulary. But it's my word for the year and I feel like God is moving me to make changes in so many areas in my life. Support, finances, eating, I'm just learning that if you want to do things the right way, it's not going to be easy. It's like I have a choice to make I can either have it easy now and hard later or hard now and easy later. It's easy to eat whatever I want to eat everyday and sit around on the couch, but when I gain 30 lbs it's going to be hard to look at my body in the mirror and it'll be hard to lose and keep off when I've made indulgence a habit. My parent's let me borrow these Dave Ramsey- Financial Peace University cd's, and they are amazing! If you need to learn to save or invest your money I highly recommend them. I've really hated goal setting for the longest time but I think the reason I've hated it is because if I make a goal and don't meet it, I feel like a failure. It's just fear but if I'd never set out to run a marathon last year I would've never run the half-marathon. Baby stepping it!