Free Morning

It's Wednesday! On Wednesday mornings I'm free. There's nothing on the schedule so until 10am I can do whatever the heck I wanna do. This morning I got up and went to breakfast with Ashton. We ate omletes and hashbrowns (diet what?!) and talked about life and Jesus. I really enjoyed myself. I'm seeing more and more in my life that I am highly resistant to discipline and hardship. I guess I just don't enjoy doing things that aren't that fun. I just want to be completely free. I was driving home from campus yesterday thinking how much I'd love to have an arranged marriage to the man of my dreams, live on and island where the weather is perfect and people really love eachother, and be able to eat anything I want and have the perfect body. Unfortunately none of that stuff really exists but my soul really does long for that kind of love and perfection, amd since I can only get that kind of thing from Jesus part of me is like, "Jesus take me now, cause this life ain't easy." Yesterday I was talking to Joey and Stacee, who are both foreign soccer players. They were talking about how American culture is so different from the how things are in Europe. When you get your social security number at about 14 years old you are expected to work and pay for your stuff. They think that alot of American college students are immature because they have everything handed to them all their lives. Childhood extends itself from infancy to the time you graduate college at 22 years old in alot of cases. It was really interesting and I think extremely true in my case. I don't think I was spoiled rotten or anything but I was spoiled. I'm a daddy's girl and my dad made sure that I had everything that I needed and wanted in most cases. Growing up is hard to do. Yesterday I took my car to get an oil change for the first time ( my dad usually changes my oil himself) I felt like such a big girl. I really need to decide what kind of life I want to live, I want to be free and do as I please but if I really do exactly what I want it's bound to be self-destructive. Lord change my desires help me to love to do what I ought to do.

Takin' it back to the Old School

I feel like I'm always learning things in waves. It's that simple fundamental stuff everyone knows that just hits me all of a sudden in truth and experience. Life is a mental game. I think so much of the way I think, feel ,and react to things depends on what I'm believing at the moment. God's been showing me alot about my lack of belief lately. I've been really frustrated with myself because I'm just not the girl I want to be. Our staff team had to speak at this missions conference last night, and as we're standing up there giving our presentation about what we do I'm thinking, "I'm such a phony." I mean, yes I want to be evangelizing agressively, pushing forward and equipping students to share their faith for a lifetime, but I'm just not perfect at what I do (in fact sometimes I just suck). Most days I'm doing good to just love people, get into a conversation, and start talking about spiritual things. Lately I feel like I've had a real lack of boldness and it's been eating me up inside. Two mornings ago I was spending time in the Word and in prayer and I was really upset. And for the first time in a while God let the gospel really hit me. He loves me, He really loves me even when I feel like I'm sinking. My standing before God and my worth as a person do not depend on how well I perform for His kingdom. I desperately want to be loved but at the same time I don't want to use grace as a crutch for laziness. This is a real brick wall kind of barrier in my life. I'm scared that if I really truly believe that Jesus loves me all the time my performance is going to hit an all time low. But at the same time, not believing is killing me because I live under this constant undertow of guilt and self-reproach- No matter what I do, it's not enough. Everybody talks about Paul and how after his Damascus Road experience he's like this super-apostle who fights the good fight and always stays true to the faith by saving hundreds fearlessly with the power of God. I'm not going to lie, Paul intimidates me. I identify more with Abraham who receives God's promise of a son and a nation but still has unbelief in his heart. He strikes out on his own and tries to create an heir for himself from a surrogate wife because he didn't believe in the fullness of God's promise, and his sin still affects us today through the warring nations. Thank the Lord that inspite of his sin and unbelief God still calls him righteous. This is just where I am, back at square one trying to sing "Jesus loves me, yes I know because the Bible tells me so" and trust that His love will never leave me.

24

It's been my birthday for about an hour and 25 minutes. Maybe it's a little vain or just straight up silly, but I'm excited. This is like New Year's Day for my life. It's so funny, I growing up my family never made a big deal about birthdays. Every year we got pizza, a cake, a card, and a 20 dollar bill, and I like it that way. I got home tonight and I saw that it was after midnight so I opened the card my parents sent me, and enclosed with their love and signatures was a crisp 20. Whoo hoo!

The reality of my adult life is so different from anything I imagined as a child. I remember when I was growing up I'd hear my mom and dad talking about the hardships of life and in my mind I was always thinking, "It won't be that way for me". I thought life was going to be this like unbelievably passionate explosion of feeling, and that I'd never be sad or afraid. I was wrong.

A few days ago I got into a tift with my best friend. I think it's the first passionate disagreement we've ever gotten into, and we've known eachother for a long time (for some reason I'm really diggin' on the word passionate tonight). The thing that I love about her is that she always makes me think, even now when I don't entirely agree with her point of view. I'm just excited that we were both able to stand our ground and be completely honest. I mean there was no real resolution but I think we both know where the other person stands and that we're going to love each other no matter what. I hope things aren't weird for long, she's the most dedicated phone caller in my life right now.

I started this rigorous diet last Thursday and since I've been on it I've been thinking about whether or not I really want to look like pre-baby Britney Spears. Not that, that really is a possibility or anything but I mean it's weird I sort of want to look like everyone else in a way. Why can't I be satisfied with the size that I am? Hmm, maybe that's just my hungry tummy talking- who knows?

Alright I'm shivering and tired, but it's my new year!