Back on the Scene

No friends, I haven't died I've just been traveling like a mad gypsy for two weeks. Last week I was in Puerto Rico doing a mini CCP (Cross Cultural Project) for those of you who are fortunate enough to not know the lingo. I got back home Sunday night at 1am, woke up Monday and had lunch with my friend Eli, got back around 1pm and drove some ladies down to Gulf Shores. I just got back from there this afternoon and tommorrow I'll be heading out again for a retreat. But right now I am sitting in my cozy house with my feet propped, up typing on my roomate Katie's computer (I accidently left mine at the beach). I'm wearing my two sizes too big Democratic State Convention t-shirt that I found a few years ago while I was working the weed wacker outside of the boys dorm at Berry College (oh the memories!), and trying trelax. Lately I feel like there have been alot of confusing thoughts running around in my head (not that that's really anything new). Puerto Rico was amazing. I was really scared before I left because I thought that I was going to be expected to be this ministry machine so the college girls would see what it looked like to share the gospel with someone. But it wasn't like that, the guys down there encouraged us to be learners. To really be interested in learning about the culture and the person and not just throw the gospel up on people so we can feel better about ourselves. I had some amazing conversations with girls there. Puerto Rico is in a pretty unique political situation. They are an American Commonwealth which basically means they have to follow our laws but they get no say in Congress. They are the last colony in the world. Alot of the students at the University of Puerto Rico want independence but they all know that Puerto Rico's economy isn't strong enough to stand alone right now. This makes for an interesting spiritual climate. The students know that their needs to be change in their country. I was talking to a girl named Vanette who told me that she was a Socialist and a Marxist. We got to talk alot about how the former USSR tried Communism but it didn't work. It ended up being just a new and creative way for men to exploit and use eachother. I told her that until people's hearts change, political change won't help the real problems. I told her that the only person I knew who could change hearts was Jesus to which she promptly replied- Jesus was a Socialist! I think that's what I'm passionate about - watching this whole freaking crazy world change one heart at a time. I also got to tour two absolutely incredible Art Museums with a girl named Veronica and tell her a little about what the Bible says about free grace while we looked at these beautiful paintings of the Virgin Mary and a bunch of Catholic saints. By the way, seeing all that art in person made me want to cry and quit my job and become an artist. Which of course spawned all these questions in my brain. Does giving your life away automatically mean that you don't do what you love or are sincerely interested in? I know that the need is great overseas, I almost feel selfish for wanting to go back to school. I don't think guilt is a good enough reason to go right now. If eternity is forever and we'll prolly have jobs there, is it selfish to want to do something I'm passionate about other than full time ministry when I could just wait till the kingdom comes? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I mean it's challenging just like any other job and there are some things about it that really eat at me. But I do love the girls here... oh well. These are my thoughts for tonight---much love friends.

Desire

It's been a good night but a hard night. I'm laying in bed listening to this Ray LaMontagne song called Shelter. If you have a minute please go to his website and check it out, it's like butter. Man, good music stirs up some serious desire in me. There's all this feeling and emotion (which I love because I'm a woman), sometimes I wish I could just make a home right there in the melody. I was reading my old friend Jeb's blog tonight and he was talking about just trying to figure out what he wants out of life and what he really believes. He talked alot about having some kind of ache that he couldn't pinpoint, something that was always just out of reach. I loved it. Regardless of your job or location I've gotta believe that if you're in your early 20's you can relate to that. It's shocking finally enter the monotonous world and see so many people living without passion. I think life should be like dancing barefoot in a field with your arms wide open while the sun sets behind you, but sometimes it's more like rushing to eat Burger King at red light in your car on a freezing day when your heater refuses to work. I don't want to just exist. I want to live hard and take crazy risks and feel the freedom to fall on my face.

This is the last time... until next time

Alright, so I'm in the shower this morning listening to Marc Broussard- Rocksteady, you know the song, and it hits me. I know why this transition has been so hard for me, I think deep down inside of me I really want life to be this 24 hour party and it's not. Before I got in the shower I was browsing My Space and comparing my life to all the lives of the people I graduated high school with (I know, I know I need to get off the internet and get a real life). But it really brought me face to face with what I really want out of life. I find myself envying all these people who look cooler than me, live in cool cities and have high paying jobs. In my mind I'm thinking it'd be so cool to live in New York have alot of hip friends who really understand me and hang out in coffee shops and bars. I'm so consumed with my own happiness. If I can't be happy here I'm not going to be happy anywhere. I don't understand why God has interrupted the plans I had for my life and I don't understand why He's making me surrender and submit even in this moment (prolly cause He loves me but I don't always believe it). It's so funny, yesterday I talked to like 8 different girls about trusting God and I'm the one who really needs to do it. I hate that I've become so cynical in some ways. Life was always such beautiful excitement to me even in college. I had so much hope for adventure and endless possibility. The last 2 years have been like crazy culture shock. But I need to trust that this is my adventure for now. The big question is: what was I made to do? I always write about discontentment and that sucks so I'm gonna try to stop but no promises. I've gotta get this monster conquered.

“Were the sky always without a cloud and the ocean without a ripple the believer would not know so well the God with Whom he has to do; for alas, we know how prone the heart is to mistake the peace of circumstances for the peace of God. When everything is going smoothly and pleasantly—property safe, our business prosperous, our children carrying on agreeably, our residence comfortable, our health excellent—everything in short, just to our mind (liking), how apt we are to mistake the peace which reposes upon circumstances for that peace which flows from the realized presence of Christ. The Lord knows this; and therefore He comes in , one way or another, and stirs up the nest, that is, if we are found nestling in circumstances, instead of in Himself.”
CH Mackintosh