Eve

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm in bed. My spirits are high but my stomach hurts. This morning blew me away. I'm so glad I was actually in town and able to go to church. God, Justin, and Harry did a little triple team action on my heart. Driving home I was thinking about Eve, mostly because of the cramps I was experiencing but isn't it crazy how us ladies get a monthly reminder of the fall. I really do think of the cramps we get as training contractions. One day when we have babies it'll be a bit more bearable because we've had small deposits of pain every month since puberty. If you think about menstration that way it's beautiful. In order to bring life into the world you've gotta bleed. Whoa, women carry around in themselves a picture of Christ. This side of the fall blood and pain are necessary for physical life and spiritual life.

Food Stamps

We had a cookout today and the girls were supposed to bring a dessert, so I got up this morning and got the stuff I needed to make my cake cookies. I had most of it at the house but I had to run to the Piggly Wiggly for eggs and cake mix. When I got to the cash register and she finished ringing me up she said "Food Stamps?". I was like "No, debit". She apologized and I told her it was no big deal but I was really pissed off. I left the store thinking- who does she think I am? Some poor black single mom without a job? I wonder if she would've said that if I was white. Why would someone assume for no reason that I was going to use food stamps?

Why did that make me so mad? Do I want to think that I'm better than single black mothers who have to use food stamps? Somehow, it straight up attacked my pride.

If happiness is a choice...

I'm choosing it. This weekend was amazing. I discovered a new store in the mall, it's called Forever 21. I felt guilty going in I kept thinking - are they going to know that I'm 24? The great thing about Forever 21 is that they've got cute cheap clothes. Friday night I ate some sweet Thai food and danced the night away at a Dave Barnes concert. I think I'm addicted to dancing. Saturday after April's wedding we headed to Tennessee to go white water rafting with 25 students. After we set up camp they turned on some music and I got down again.

Trust

I've been plagued with deep seated anxiety for the greater part of this year. I feel like I'm just not sure that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Everytime I sit down at a lunch table with a group of girls I look around and wonder if I should've sat at another table, or if I'm getting out of my comfort zone enough. Questioning and double mindedness have become a way of life for me. I can't seem to enjoy the moment I'm living in because I'm always worried about what I should do or say next or who I really ought to be talking to. I'm not trusting God. I feel this intense pressure to make things happen and I'm being crushed under the weight of it. I can't do it. I can't make a movement happen at the University of Montevallo. I can't make girls come to know the Lord. But I can love the Lord and love these girls. I'm so afraid that the people I work for and with will be dissapointed with my performance and productivity that it's driving me crazy. Lord help me to see that the gospel is true for me even here in this area of my life. I work for Jesus and He is already pleased with my performance because He already made me perfect through His blood. My heart is so resistant to the grace of God.It is so hard for me to believe that He loves me. I want to prove to Him that I can do things for Him, that I really am a faithful follower and He keeps showing me that I can't and that I'm not. God help me to trust You with today and tommorrow, with my job, my love life, my sanctification and growth in holiness, my family, my friends, my weight, and my doubts. I hold onto everything so tightly, but what I need to do is just let it all go and cling to Jesus. "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever because the Lord God is an everlasting Rock."- Isaiah 26:3-4.

"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace...When a man or woman is truly honest (not just working at it), it is virtually impossible to insult them personally. There is nothing there to insult."- Brennan Manning

I went running yesterday and today I feel so good. I need to remember this feeling when I don't feel like running. The toilets and tub in my bathroom are stopped up. I tried to unstop the tub with the plunger in my bathroom and it didn't really help but it did pull up a giant hairball. I really need to take a shower but since there's still standing water in my tub and I put that really gross plunger in it, I just can't bring myself to get in there. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm gonna write on my blog. I don't know if this happens to you but just about every morning this week while I've been reading my Bible I've just about fallen asleep. I hate that, I want to know the Word and hunger and thirst after it. I'm going home this weekend and I'm really excited. I get to see my parents and maybe my siblings. My brother Jason lives in Orlando so I don't get to see him that much. My sister lives in Atlanta and she has just recently gone through a really hard time. One of her close friends just died of cancer. It was crazy, Kevin was in his early 30's and he just got really sick. He was a college professor and he wanted to keep working until he couldn't work anymore. All of his family lives up north so my sister took care of him after work and on the weekends. She was with him when he died two weeks ago. My sister and I aren't super close because of alot of things that have happened in the past but I really do respect her alot. She has been taking care of him consistently for about two years, doing his laundry, cooking for him, helping him make a will, taking him to the store, taking him to doctor's appointments, and doing anything that needed to be done around his house. I couldn't have done it. She's got lots of faults but she really does try to love people in anyway that she can, and I think she's alot stronger than I give her credit for. These next few weeks we're supposed to be doing our best to recruit to SBP, I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of being persuasive. I really need to be less focused on the quality of my performance and more focused on Christ and where He is leading me. I'm weak but I'm willing. I've been thinking alot about development lately. I think it'd be cool to help the impoverished learn a trade and teach them to be able to support their families, and through all that bring them the gospel. There is a government housing community just down the street from me- How can I help those people? Hmm...I need to think more about all this. Well, I gotta go check and see if the pee infected water in my tub has gone down yet.

It's A Beautiful Day

Man, the weather is so beautiful today. I'm loving it. I've been thinking alot about living in reality lately. Donald Miller says something like - Reality is a fine wine, it can only be enjoyed by adults. I think that's really true. It's really easy for me to blame my problems on present situations, and the things other people have done when really circumstances only reveal what's in my heart. I'm learning to be real with myself about my sin and what's really going on. So... my room is dirty because I haven't been faithful to put things where they belong, I get discouraged easily because I haven't been faithful to hide the truth in my heart and use it to fight my crazy thoughts, I feel awkward with people sometimes because I'm focused on my own comfort and not on loving the person I'm talking to, I've gained some weight because I've been running to food and not the Lord to make me feel better... and the list goes on. I can look my failures in the face and still be hopeful because God sees me as perfect in Christ. I can't fix myself but I can fix my eyes on Christ and ask Him to change my heart everytime I'm tempted to despair or stray from Him. Lord help me to love You, I mean to really heart and soul and body love You. I'm sick of just saying empty words.

Cover me

It's bedtime and I feel like writing. I told the girls I meet with to pick a verse to meditate on this week and journal about it every night before bed so I'm gonna do it.

John 15:4-7 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

Abide in me. What does it mean to abide in Jesus? I cannot bear fruit or even live apart from Jesus. If I abide in Him and His words abide in me, I can ask whatever I wish and it will be done for me. Do I abide in Christ? Abiding in Christ- living in Christ, our lives are hidden in Him, His blood covers our multitude of sins, God sees His righteousness and not our filthiness because He has chosen us and caused our hearts to be able to repent and acknowledge our need for a Savior, and believe that He is all we need to be in right relationship with God. Why is it so hard for me to abide in Christ? I'm scared to really believe that the grace of God is really for me. How can you abide in someone who you won't really let love you. Help my unbelief Lord.

...First day back on campus and it's been good but as always there's the undercurrent of guilt. This is bigger than my circumstances, God's got me here and He's holding a mirror up to my heart and it's not pretty. I'm desperately insecure in our relationship so I'm always scared that I'm not doing enough for Him. I know in my mind that Jesus loves me but Lord write it on my heart. I want to be free to stop having to prove that I'm someone through the things I do and start loving other people.