Submission

Tonight was amazing, we sponsored this panel discussion on the topic, "Who is responsible for Katrina". It all boiled down to the fact that God is ultimately responsible for it, and if He is responsible can He be good? One professor said yes and that God has purposes that we can never fathom and the other guy of course said no and that God was a monster he'd never invite into his living room. He also demanded that God give an account for His actions. It was crazy,as I listened to the God-hater guy I really felt my heart drawn to his argument. I completely understood why people would think that God was evil. I mean He creates people specifically for destruction. I think I've been wrestling with this whole concept since I've been here in Montevallo but I just didn't want to admit it. My flesh flares up and wants to call God into account for every death, every rape, every child who starves to death or freezes to death because He's the only one that has the power to stop it all and He doesn't. I was thinking about all this stuff while I was walking to a bible study on campus and God hit me with it. I need to submit. He doesn't make this whole worshipping Him thing easy. He makes it hard, and mysterious, and seasoned with these crazy potholes that we can't wrap our brains around. I don't know why some people will spend eternity in hell and why I'm not one of them. It's just another opportunity to be humbled and realize the limits of my intelligence in respect to an all-knowing God. I'm dumb and I'll never be able to figure out the mind of the Lord and I really want to love Him.

But who are you, O man, to talk back to Go? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'Does not the potterhave the right to make out of the same lump of claysome pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

Rockin' the Frat House

I just got back from my first fraternity party, the Delta Chi Indian party. I've gotta admit that I had a great time getting all dressed up and the party was fun, the typical mix of college students mingling and getting drunk. It brought me back to my early college days. Freshman year me and my friends would get dressed up and go out dancing and just hope to meet cool people. We wanted to belong. I remember I spent most of my time during those nights comparing myself to other girls and feeling ugly, fat, and uninteresting because guys weren't just dying to talk to me or dance with me. That's what I saw tonight in the faces of those girls at the party. They want to belong, they want someone to show them that they're beautiful and worth it, they're out to prove that they've got something that no other girl in the room can offer, they're gauging their every action by the reactions of the people they think they desperately need love from, and I know that all of that is exhausting. I didn't know what to do tonight. I saw alot of girls that I've met and I made sure to at least say hi to them or give them a hug but I felt kind of helpless. I didn't want to cling onto anyone and I think that my desire not to be a burden may have communicated to some of them that I'm not really interested in deepening our relationship. When I left I said goodbye to one of my staff partners and he looked at his watch and said, "Lightweight". It made me feel bad, like I wasn't doing my job well because I left at midnight and I could've hung around later. I don't know, maybe I should have stayed. There's definitely no rule book for this job that tells me when I should push myself and when it's ok to go on home but I do have a relationship. I'm finding more and more that it's harder to draw near to Jesus than it is to adhere to the list of rules I've erected in my mind but Jesus is sweeter, warmer, and a hundred times more full of grace than my cold self-regulations.