Square One

This is the first time in a while that I've actually felt like writing. Oh gosh, life has been really interesting this week. As always I simply have no idea what I'm doing. I've fumbled my way through the gospel and my testimony a few times this week but it hasn't really rung true. Maybe I shouldn't be a professional Christian. The only thing I can think to do is love people, I don't have the mind of a strategist. As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I've double booked myself tommorrow at 2pm and both girls would be dissapointed if I canceled. AAAH! There is just so much need and I am completely insufficient to fill all of it. I don't know how to prioritize. I think its easy in this job to look at people and sort of think how they are connected with other people and whether or not they can get you "in" with certain groups instead of seeing people for who they are and trusting God to move the way He wants to move, I am definitely guilty of doing this. I mean I can barely talk to a male student for over 5 minutes without feeling guilty. Boys have souls too, they need to hear the gospel and they need encouragementt just the same as anyone else. Who am I working for? Am I working to see quick and measurable results so I can feel good about myself or am I working for a Sovereign God who brings people into my life and saves them in such a way that I can take none of the credit. Am I building God's kingdom or Renee's? Am I more concerned about what I'll look like in front of my colleagues than I am about the souls of girls on campus? My heart is not broken. If I was God I probably wouldn't choose fishermen as my disciples, I'd have been really smart and gone for the Pharisees or Saducees. Better yet I would've gone to the Roman officials, people with some serious social muscle. I just feel like I need to begin ministering out of a place of conviction. Do I think having a target group is Biblical? What is an influential person? I'm back to the drawing board, I ought to just make a home here.