Life is....

I moved down here to Montevallo about two weeks ago and life has been going 90 to nothing since I've been here. I've met a ton of students and God has really blessed me with good conversations and lots of opportunities to share my faith. God has also opened some doors for ministry in places I'd never expect. Two students who are involved in our ministry are partnering with me to start a bible study in Chi Omega (a sorority), and a book discussion about Blue Like Jazz in the Art Department. I'm so excited to see what God is going to do. I've got to admit that it's a little lonely here though, it's funny how eventhough I'm surrounded by students and my staff partners everyday all day I can feel alone. I think it's because I don't know anyone really well yet and I'm just used to having these deep friendships with my friends from home. It'll be okay it's only the second week, I'll connect with some people and get more fully adjusted. I gotta keep in mind that every friendship starts at the beginning and I just moved to a place where I don't know a bunch of people. There's just not a distinct seperation between my work and my personal life. It's hard for me to know what work is. I find myself living in guilt alot of the time because I feel like I'm not doing enough but I'm not exactly sure what more to do, and it feels like I'm on the go all day and all night. I have to miss Mountain Day this year because we're going on a whitewater rafting trip this weekend and I wish I could go see my friends but God is sovereign. I'm a little confused about some stuff right now. When Jesus commands us to deny ourselves, does that mean we shouldn't pursue the things that we are passionate about in life but instead just seek to meet others needs and lead people to Christ? How can I figure out how to give all I have and be poured out like a drink offering but still keep from losing myself completely? Or is losing yourself completely the point? I'm tempted to say that I don't even know who I am tonight but I do know that I am a daughter of God and that He accepts me completely because of Christ but what does that mean? Does that mean that I ought to spend every minute that I'm not doing ministry reading my bible, praying and meditating on scripture? Right now I just don't feel like I have much of a life or much freedom and I don't know whether it's just my flesh feeding me lies or whether this is something I need to do something about. Quiet my soul Lord and teach me to make them most of my time.

Rounding the finish line

Well, something big happened today. I'm now officially at 103.9% of my support goal through no fault of my own. As soon as the office verifies my numbers I should be able to high tail it to the University of Montevallo's campus. I'm really excited in a mellow sort of way. I guess when something has been this hard and this long it's kinda hard to believe that it's really true. I'm relieved but I think I'll be more relieved when I get the official go-ahead from my boss and our office guy. My main fear right now is that they will be like, "Well Renee since you're so close to 105% why don't you just stay home till you get that extra $27.08 pledged." But no matter what happens I'm certainly learning to trust the Lord. It's crazy at church yesterday the speaker talked about how incredibly large the know universe is and how in comparison how small the world is, much less us personally. And if the universe is just one of the things that God has created then He must be inexpressibly big, and big isn't even a good word for it. We're less than dust when compared with just the mere size of God, probably even less than the size of cells. "And these are but the outer fringes of His works; how faint the whisper we hear of Him! Who then can understand the thunder of His power?" Job 26:14. So many times I've tried to figure out why God didn't allow me to raise support more quickly but so much has happened that I wouldn't have expected this year. I've learned so much and it's been so good for me to be where I am, but I'm glad that my time here is coming to a close. There's nothing more humbling than for an independent, free- spirited person who's bent on changing the world to graduate from college and spend an entire year living at home with their parents, begging people to invest financially in the mission that they're passionate about. Maybe I shouldn't say it was humbling it was more than that it was sobering. It's been hard, but it's been a privilege and I feel like God has tempered me in so many ways. More than anything I guess I've learned that life is not easy and I'm going to have to fight to hang onto my sanity and my relationship with Jesus. Sometimes things seem so bad that I get lost in despair and part of me forgets that there really is a loving God who cares so much about us, eventhough we're smaller than dust to Him, that He sent His Son into this sin stained world. A world that refuses to believe in its own smallness, a world too wrapped up in paper money and Mercedes to see that in the big scheme of things fame and fortune are insignificant. Isn't it funny that in cities where the biggest edifices of human acheivement are in place, it's hardest to see the night stars that tell of the vastness of God's creation. He sent Jesus into all of this and Jesus blew alot of people away (either they loved Him or hated Him) because He said that the things we value and idolize so much here on earth don't matter too much. He said crazy things like "People that are really blessed are poor in spirit, people that mourn, the meek, people that hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and people who are persecuted because of righteousness." (Matthew 5:1-10 paraphrased). His life was a model for us in how we ought to live. He lived righteously despite persecution and then died a violent death in order that the very people who persecuted Him might come into intimate communion with the Father He loved above all. That's beautiful. Lord let my life be one of death so that people might know You. Let us fall upwards into the night sky and realize how tiny we are.

Out of the Depths

Well, tonight I'm back to the drawing board. For the second time in a two week span I thought I was at 100% of my support goal. Last night I was so excited and more than a little bit euphoric, but the crap hit the fan when I plugged all my numbers in the support spreadsheet today. I never liked spreadsheets, and I've got to admit I was really reluctant to trust this one. I calculated and recalculated my support total about 10 times but I'm still short about $80 a month. I could've made it look like I had 100% of my goal through this really shady method I won't even go into but just know I was more than tempted (I almost did it). I've been raising support for over a year and I'm ready for it to be over (in this off-campus form anyway). But I know that God has a million different reasons for having me where I am right now. Let me just tell you, my house is a zoo right now. Three of my cousins and my aunt, who are refugees from New Orleans, are living with my dad, mom, sister and I. It would've been so much easier for me to just fudge my sheets and escape this crowded house well, no that's not true. I don't think I would've been able to sleep easy in Montevallo knowing that I'd knowingly lied so that I could do "ministry" more quickly. I wouldn't have been able to share the gospel freely with anyone knowing that I'd taken matters into my own hands and played God. I'm learning alot about what trusting the Lord entails. Today I felt like David when he was waiting for God to fulfill His promise and make Him king of Isreal. He was hiding out deep in a cave when King Saul happened to stop in the cave and go to the bathroom. David could have killed him but he stopped himself because he knew that the Lord never violates His law to carry out His promises and purposes. God will make an honest woman of me yet. It's crazy, I told alot of my friends that I was done and now I'm going to have to explain again. I really really don't want to. It might be one of those weeks when I just don't answer my cellphone. I was talking to my mom tonight and just telling her about all the stupid things I've done like lose a $200 check, miscalculate my support twice, and blow up in front of my cousin. Just talking things out with her reminded me that the gospel is not for the well but the sick. "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance" Luke 5:31. Tonight I'm a sick, sick sinner ( I guess I am every night, I'm just realizing it more tonight) but I am more grateful for my Jesus who knows about all my clutsiness, and all the times I've rammed my car into things, lost important papers, said the wrong thing at the wrong time, was too lazy to balance my checkbook and bounced 3 checks in a row, and He still pursues me with His unconditional love in spite of everything. He loves me with the passion and recklessness that drove Him to spill out His precious blood for all my rebelliousness. I don't know why, but He wants all the love that's in this dirty, callous heart. Lord make me like Moses tonight who "regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. (Heb11:26)". Piper says, “Knowing all that Christ promises to be for you both now and forever is the power to take whatever suffering love costs.” If it costs me one more week of what seems to be pointless monotony, embarassment, and discomfort in order for girls at the University of Montevallo to see and experience Christ's love through my life, I'll take it.

"The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through His own blood. Let us, then go to Him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace He bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come." - Hebrews 13:11-14

Soul Grinding

Well, it's been another day of not so labor intensive support raising. Good news friends, I ran 2 and a half miles at the park today. I can't wait till I start seeing the results of all of this running. I think if I'd quit eating so much sugar I might see them just a little faster (he he). Today had its upsides and its downsides. I made a lunchtime support appointment for tommorrow with one of my friends from high school that I haven't really talked to in an incredibly long time. I also called one of the elders from a church I've been asking about support for a while and he's going to let me speak in their church service next Sunday so that I can ask people in the congregation to support me. I think the church in general is also going to come on my support team too, I hope so at least. But on the flip-side I had a $40 a month supporter drop off my team today and I was kinda bummed. I've gotta trust the Lord though, I just can't worry myself about what I can't control. I believe that God really does cause all things to work for His glory and our good but it's just hard sometimes for me to understand. Sometimes I really feel like there's this constant grinding going on in my soul. If things don't work out the way that I want them to I'm so quick to ask God what I'm doing wrong and so I spend weeks sometimes living under the dark cloud of condemnation. The truth is that I am probably doing something wrong because I can't seem to live a minute of my life perfecly. I get nervous and fumble over my words when I make calls, I forget to send people thank you cards, and I give into despair and cry on a regular basis. But I think I just haven't come to terms with my own depravity and God's unmerited mercy through Jesus. Everytime I see a glimpse of the blackness of my soul it throws me into despair. I don't want to believe I'm really THAT bad. In reality I'm far worse than I could ever imagine (in the paraphrased words of Tim Keller), but God's grace is far deeper, wider, and longer than I've ever dared to dream. I always think that if I could have done a better job here or there than I would be done by now. I think, If I could just perform perfectly than God will give me everything I desire. But nothing could be further from the truth. My loving Father marked out everyday of this process before a day of it came into existence. He's just as interested in the journey as He is in the results. So yes, raising support has been hard and I've made millions of mistakes. But when I finally make it to Montevallo it will be by the sheer grace of Jesus Christ not because I've done anything especially bold, brave or valiant. These are the truths that strengthen my soul and prepare it for another day of being thrown on the brillo pad.

Revving it on up!

Alright, Wow! I'm off to the races. I'm excited about having this new outlet for my thoughts. Right now life's got me in a very interesting place. I'm waiting. I feel like my whole life there's been an agenda and a pace like, "Ok, Renee here's what comes next." But right now there are no clear cut answers, no guarantee of any kind of completion date, and no blue print for what my life is supposed to look like. It's a little scary, a little exciting, and a little frustrating. All I can do is cling to my Savior and trust in His promises.

" Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to posess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
- The Valley of Vision

Oh, it's me and I'm excited!