Out of the Depths

Well, tonight I'm back to the drawing board. For the second time in a two week span I thought I was at 100% of my support goal. Last night I was so excited and more than a little bit euphoric, but the crap hit the fan when I plugged all my numbers in the support spreadsheet today. I never liked spreadsheets, and I've got to admit I was really reluctant to trust this one. I calculated and recalculated my support total about 10 times but I'm still short about $80 a month. I could've made it look like I had 100% of my goal through this really shady method I won't even go into but just know I was more than tempted (I almost did it). I've been raising support for over a year and I'm ready for it to be over (in this off-campus form anyway). But I know that God has a million different reasons for having me where I am right now. Let me just tell you, my house is a zoo right now. Three of my cousins and my aunt, who are refugees from New Orleans, are living with my dad, mom, sister and I. It would've been so much easier for me to just fudge my sheets and escape this crowded house well, no that's not true. I don't think I would've been able to sleep easy in Montevallo knowing that I'd knowingly lied so that I could do "ministry" more quickly. I wouldn't have been able to share the gospel freely with anyone knowing that I'd taken matters into my own hands and played God. I'm learning alot about what trusting the Lord entails. Today I felt like David when he was waiting for God to fulfill His promise and make Him king of Isreal. He was hiding out deep in a cave when King Saul happened to stop in the cave and go to the bathroom. David could have killed him but he stopped himself because he knew that the Lord never violates His law to carry out His promises and purposes. God will make an honest woman of me yet. It's crazy, I told alot of my friends that I was done and now I'm going to have to explain again. I really really don't want to. It might be one of those weeks when I just don't answer my cellphone. I was talking to my mom tonight and just telling her about all the stupid things I've done like lose a $200 check, miscalculate my support twice, and blow up in front of my cousin. Just talking things out with her reminded me that the gospel is not for the well but the sick. "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance" Luke 5:31. Tonight I'm a sick, sick sinner ( I guess I am every night, I'm just realizing it more tonight) but I am more grateful for my Jesus who knows about all my clutsiness, and all the times I've rammed my car into things, lost important papers, said the wrong thing at the wrong time, was too lazy to balance my checkbook and bounced 3 checks in a row, and He still pursues me with His unconditional love in spite of everything. He loves me with the passion and recklessness that drove Him to spill out His precious blood for all my rebelliousness. I don't know why, but He wants all the love that's in this dirty, callous heart. Lord make me like Moses tonight who "regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. (Heb11:26)". Piper says, “Knowing all that Christ promises to be for you both now and forever is the power to take whatever suffering love costs.” If it costs me one more week of what seems to be pointless monotony, embarassment, and discomfort in order for girls at the University of Montevallo to see and experience Christ's love through my life, I'll take it.

"The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through His own blood. Let us, then go to Him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace He bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come." - Hebrews 13:11-14