Soul Grinding

Well, it's been another day of not so labor intensive support raising. Good news friends, I ran 2 and a half miles at the park today. I can't wait till I start seeing the results of all of this running. I think if I'd quit eating so much sugar I might see them just a little faster (he he). Today had its upsides and its downsides. I made a lunchtime support appointment for tommorrow with one of my friends from high school that I haven't really talked to in an incredibly long time. I also called one of the elders from a church I've been asking about support for a while and he's going to let me speak in their church service next Sunday so that I can ask people in the congregation to support me. I think the church in general is also going to come on my support team too, I hope so at least. But on the flip-side I had a $40 a month supporter drop off my team today and I was kinda bummed. I've gotta trust the Lord though, I just can't worry myself about what I can't control. I believe that God really does cause all things to work for His glory and our good but it's just hard sometimes for me to understand. Sometimes I really feel like there's this constant grinding going on in my soul. If things don't work out the way that I want them to I'm so quick to ask God what I'm doing wrong and so I spend weeks sometimes living under the dark cloud of condemnation. The truth is that I am probably doing something wrong because I can't seem to live a minute of my life perfecly. I get nervous and fumble over my words when I make calls, I forget to send people thank you cards, and I give into despair and cry on a regular basis. But I think I just haven't come to terms with my own depravity and God's unmerited mercy through Jesus. Everytime I see a glimpse of the blackness of my soul it throws me into despair. I don't want to believe I'm really THAT bad. In reality I'm far worse than I could ever imagine (in the paraphrased words of Tim Keller), but God's grace is far deeper, wider, and longer than I've ever dared to dream. I always think that if I could have done a better job here or there than I would be done by now. I think, If I could just perform perfectly than God will give me everything I desire. But nothing could be further from the truth. My loving Father marked out everyday of this process before a day of it came into existence. He's just as interested in the journey as He is in the results. So yes, raising support has been hard and I've made millions of mistakes. But when I finally make it to Montevallo it will be by the sheer grace of Jesus Christ not because I've done anything especially bold, brave or valiant. These are the truths that strengthen my soul and prepare it for another day of being thrown on the brillo pad.