Takin' it back to the Old School

I feel like I'm always learning things in waves. It's that simple fundamental stuff everyone knows that just hits me all of a sudden in truth and experience. Life is a mental game. I think so much of the way I think, feel ,and react to things depends on what I'm believing at the moment. God's been showing me alot about my lack of belief lately. I've been really frustrated with myself because I'm just not the girl I want to be. Our staff team had to speak at this missions conference last night, and as we're standing up there giving our presentation about what we do I'm thinking, "I'm such a phony." I mean, yes I want to be evangelizing agressively, pushing forward and equipping students to share their faith for a lifetime, but I'm just not perfect at what I do (in fact sometimes I just suck). Most days I'm doing good to just love people, get into a conversation, and start talking about spiritual things. Lately I feel like I've had a real lack of boldness and it's been eating me up inside. Two mornings ago I was spending time in the Word and in prayer and I was really upset. And for the first time in a while God let the gospel really hit me. He loves me, He really loves me even when I feel like I'm sinking. My standing before God and my worth as a person do not depend on how well I perform for His kingdom. I desperately want to be loved but at the same time I don't want to use grace as a crutch for laziness. This is a real brick wall kind of barrier in my life. I'm scared that if I really truly believe that Jesus loves me all the time my performance is going to hit an all time low. But at the same time, not believing is killing me because I live under this constant undertow of guilt and self-reproach- No matter what I do, it's not enough. Everybody talks about Paul and how after his Damascus Road experience he's like this super-apostle who fights the good fight and always stays true to the faith by saving hundreds fearlessly with the power of God. I'm not going to lie, Paul intimidates me. I identify more with Abraham who receives God's promise of a son and a nation but still has unbelief in his heart. He strikes out on his own and tries to create an heir for himself from a surrogate wife because he didn't believe in the fullness of God's promise, and his sin still affects us today through the warring nations. Thank the Lord that inspite of his sin and unbelief God still calls him righteous. This is just where I am, back at square one trying to sing "Jesus loves me, yes I know because the Bible tells me so" and trust that His love will never leave me.