My Stupid Mouth

Herein lies the problem...My mouth. Thursday in the Caf I made a promise, I said that if the girl's soccer team won their first game at the GSC conference I'd come down to Pensacola and watch them play at 11am on Sunday. Joey text messaged me last night to let me know that they won which means...I'm on my way tommorrow morning. Am I glad? Yes and no. I'm excited that they won and that they're going to be in the championship but I just don't want to go. I want to go to church and sleep tommorrow. I've been running around all week and weekend and I feel so far from the Lord. Tommorrow I have to ride down to Pensacola alone all because I can't say no or even just maybe.

“…Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats; it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way, the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul. Now that cellar is out of reach of my conscious will. I can, to some extent control my acts: I have no direct control over my temperament (emotions). And if what we are matters even more than what we do—then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, voluntary efforts cannot bring about. And that applies to my good actions too…I cannot, by direct moral effort, give myself new motives. After the first few steps of the Christian life we realize that everything which needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God…and in reality, it is God who does everything. We, at most, allow it to be done to us.” C S Lewis, Mere Christianity.

Broken

Everything is broken. I try to pick up the pieces and make it ok but things just keep falling apart. I desperately try to cover it up and He keeps throwing back the covers and leaving me naked. I keep coming face to face with the ugliness of my own heart and I don't know how to fix it. Life seems like a never ending struggle, and most of the struggling I do is with myself. I've been pretty angry, mostly because I can't have what I want when I want it. I say I love Him, I say He's enough, I say I'm surrendered but why am I still standing with a floor length Christmas list of desires. A couple of months ago I finally got honest with the Lord and started asking for the thing that I long for most in life. It just dawned on me tonight that that request should have been for more of Him, but I'm not there yet. I think He is tearing away every false security and idol from my heart. He's luring me into the wilderness but not alone. And I find myself lonely and screaming and stomping and refusing to let Him hold me but I just don't know if I know how to lay in His arms.



Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
- John Donne

Whom have I in heaven but You, and earth has nothing I desire but You. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.(Psalm 73:25-26) Lord work this down into my heart!

It's 5:30am and I just got in bed. There's busy and there's just plain stupid. I don't know when my schedule has been this jam packed . Last night I didn't go to bed until 6am. My drawing class and starting this week, my Holistic ministry course are sucking up my time. Juggling all this school work with a job that has an out of control schedule is a little more challenging than I expected. Thankfully I haven't had a meltdown yet but I have become addicted to banana chips (I love the crunchy goodness). There's got to be a way to live a more simple life. What do people who don't work all the time do? I'm fading fast....good night- or morning, I can't tell the difference anymore.

Swimming in It

...the sea of uncertainty that is. There's so much going on in my heart and my mind right now. I'm thinking about leaving my job and going to art school. I think I want to be an art professor. Should I stay or should I go? You'd think that'd be an easy decision to make but its so much deeper. Ya see... I signed this contract that said I'd stay on staff until August 2009 unless I got married or I felt the direct leading of the Lord elsewhere. I don't want to go unless it really is God leading me to and not my own selfish desires because I'm the only staff girl here. My time on staff has been hard, killer hard but at the same time its been sweet because Jesus is all I've had to cling to.
I was reading Genesis 15 this weekend, its about God's covenant with Abram. Abram is this old childless man who God promised to give land and offspring as numberous as the stars to. He believes what God says and its credited to him as righteousness. I imagine Abram the nomad, longing for a country he could call home and a son and heir and then I think of myself. I feel like all I have right now are my longings I long to pursue art, I long to be married, I long for closeness with friends. I know these longings aren't wrong but I have received no promise concerning any of these things. S o I asked God to give me a promise to claim and this is what He gave me:

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind. Therefore I am terrified at his presence; when I consider, I am in dread of him.
(Job 23:10-15)

He will complete what He appoints for me and many such things are in his mind! The fight is to believe that God loves me and is doing what's best for me even in this. I'm really learning what it means to wait on the Lord in full dependence.

Confessional

I'm officially stuck in the 90's. This morning before I went to church I downloaded this Dave Matthews song from his solo album Little Devil the song is called- Stay or Leave. Its beautiful. I love his music. I know I shouldn't because its not hip but I've gotta admit that I'm still a closet DMB fan. There's just something earthy and mystical about his music. I have another prototypical 90's habit. I only buy flare leg jeans. I hope they stay in style forever. Because I've been buying them since middleschool and I can't seem to convince myself that bootcut or even the new tapered style are going to look as good on me.
Anyways, I was drinking a Peach Pear Smoothie at Eclipse (the finest food establishment in Mo-town) with Alicia last week and they had their satellite radio set on a 90's station. I was transfixed ... well, maybe transported back to 8th grade field trips where we'd sit in the back of the bus and trade cd's, and spend hours talking about and listening to Bush, Smashing Pumpkins, Tori Amos, the Cranberries, Stone Temple Pilots, U2, Nirvana, Duran Duran, and the Cure. Music meant so much to us back then. Formative years and formative friends. i miss them.

It's Saturday night and I'm back on the blue couch in my black fleece pants. I'm a little sick, I've got a head cold. My roommate Erin and I just got back from seeing The Nanny Diaries in our pj's, with lots of candy in our purses. Its been a good night. I've been thinking alot about friendship today and how real friendship is hard to find and hard to give at the same time. In our culture it seems like for the most part your friends become your family. Especially if you're single and living away from home. But this poses somewhat of a problem- familial relationships are pretty stable because you're related and you can't change that. Friends are the people who you choose to let into your life. By their very nature friendships are more noncommittal and unstable, and because of this they can often be pretty competitive.
I've seen myself put up walls with different women because I felt like if I really let them in they were going to jeopardize my standing in my perceived "friend family" (Matt and Rob). I was scared that they were just using me to get to the guys (and some of them may have been doing that). But its intimidating when the friends you love and value think another girl is more fun or engaging than you are.
I really think this kind of thing is what keeps women from having really close relationships with each other. We're scared. We're scared that if we let a beautiful, intelligent, lively new friend into our circle she'll get more attention than us, and that the boys we like will like her more than they like us. But I'm seeing that this mentality, this way of operating is toxic and it only pushes people away and leaves us alone. We demand a kind of friendship that we can control. We put up walls and are careful about who we introduce them to. Its selfish. We're playing god. Its arrogant to think that I can control who is friends with who, and what people think about eachother. If God wants two people to be together I will not be able to stand in His way.
I think we just have a tendency to use eachother- what can this person help me do? who can i meet through this person? how does this person make me look? We think of everything but the other person. Lord help me to repent, change my heart.

Poem: "Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man" by Alice N. Persons, from Don't Be A Stranger.

Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man

you bring me all the things I order
are never in a bad mood
always have a jaunty wave as you drive away
look good in your brown shorts
we have an ideal uncomplicated relationship
you're like a cute boyfriend with great legs
who always brings the perfect present
(why, it's just what I've always wanted!)
and then is considerate enough to go away
oh, UPS Man, let's hop in your clean brown truck and elope !
ditch your job, I'll ditch mine
let's hit the road for Brownsville
and tempt each other
with all the luscious brown foods —
roast beef, dark chocolate,
brownies, Guinness, homemade pumpernickel, molasses cookies
I 'll make you my mama's bourbon pecan pie
we'll give all the packages to kind looking strangers
live in a cozy wood cabin
with a brown dog or two
and a black and brown tabby
I'm serious, UPS Man. Let's do it.
Where do I sign?

Tonight Tonight

I just got back from our 1st official CO function of the year. We had a party at Matt and Rob's. It was amazing. I got to see the Alpha Gamma Delta ladies- Jessica (who over the summer has decided to go by Jessica-Lauren), Amy (who refuses to eat fruits and vegetables), Amber (who doesn't know what to think about God), and Alica and Laura (who I love). It was so good for my soul. We laughed ridiculously loud, introduced ourselves to every freshman at the party, and did nerdy dances that people usually do in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

I've been wrestling with alot of uncertainty lately and tonight I just did not feel the pressure to do anything but have fun and love people. I think I had more fun tonight than I've had in teo years. Freedom. I met this hilarious freshman boy (who is 18 by the way) who flirted with me and told me that I was pretty until he asked me what year I was and I told him I was 25 years old and that I work with Campus Outreach. You should have seen his face. Flirting with near-minors should be illegal (it probably is in most states but this is Alabama). I really gotta be careful.

SALUTATION
O generation of the thoroughly smug
and thoroughly uncomfortable,
I have seen fishermen picnicking in the sun,
I have seen them with untidy families,
I have seen their smiles full of teeth
and heard ungainly laughter.
And I am happier than you are,
And they were happier than I am;
And the fish swim in the lake
and do not even own clothing.
Ezra Pound

I'm back in Montevallo for good. My dad and mom came and helped us move into our fun new apartment on Friday and despite all the boxes and piles of things I need to throw away its already beginning to feel like home, which is really comforting.

Lately I've had more questions about life than answers. Why am I doing this? What's next? How can I figure out what the Lord wants me to do? But last night I went to see the girl's soccer team play an exhibition game at Montevallo and it was the first time I've been able to see Hooper, Joey, Luda, Stacey, Corey, and Cath since I've been back. It was so good. I love them! I want them to know Jesus but I don't know what to do but beg Jesus to work in their hearts.

I get overwhelmed really easily and with all the girls moving in this week, when I still need to finish up semester plans, raise support, and organize the apartment- I feel a little anxious. I don't know if I have anything to give, and people's expectations scare me. When you're a staff girl people, especially students, tend to look at you like some kind of spiritual guru. "If I can just meet with Renee, she can help me with this." When the truth is that I'm probably more confused than they are and the same storehouse of wisdom that lives in me, lives in them because that storehouse is Christ. I cannot be all things to all women, when I try my life an my mind fall apart but I can point them to the One who can be that for them.

I'm seeing just how little Iam impacted by Jesus, and how much of my ministry flows from my own strength, wisdom, and efforts instead of the power of the Holy Spirit. Things have to change and He's going to have to do the changing.

There's a communion wafer moon
Dissolving on the blue tongue of the sky

Sometimes the whole world is nothing
So much
As an altar inviting us
To kneel

- Linford Detweiler

Once

I saw a good movie today. Its called Once. Its about 2 ordinary musicians who meet and its magic. The music in this movie is amazing, if you like indie acoustic stuff you'll love this. Its not a traditional love story but its really beautiful. I was surprised at how much I liked it. I don't want to give anything away but I just loved how real the characters were. They really captured the awkwardness, hesitancy, and imperfection that come along with love. Anyways, go see it.

Hometown Stompdown

You guessed it I've finally made my way to Marietta, GA. I've got two weeks off so I'm going to definitely spend a week here and I might spend a week in Birmingham too, I'm not sure yet. Yesterday I slept in till noon- I seriously haven't done that for like a year and it felt dang good. I want to rest but I've got so much to do and I'm scared (as usual) that I'm not going to get it all done and I'm going to singlehandedly screw up my own life. Being back home makes me want to be a kid again. My parents are so great about taking care of me. I pulled into the driveway on Saturday night and it was pouring rain outside. The minute I turned my car off my dad opened the garage door and started taking bags out of my car- sweet man. When I got into the house my mom had a million things she wanted to talk to me about and show me. They want me here, I don't have to try - it feels nice. I really want to know my dad better and I don't know how. He's this quiet, hardworking guy who's always been there for me as far as being an incredible provider but emotionally we've never quite connected but I know he loves me... Anyways, the great thing about being a kid was that your parents took care of all the important stuff. As an adult I've got to admit that I struggle with thinking of everything. My work is pretty all-consuming so I suck at keeping up relationships outside of the students I hang with in Montevallo, I'm not good at raising support, or making sure all my ducks are in a row as far as insurance, oil changes, doctor's appointments. I feel like I'm always running to stay on top of things at the last minute. Life is trial and error right? Oh my gosh, my sweet friend Kat is randomly home from her life in Nashville this week too! I'm so excited - I love her!!!!!

Its been a crazy summer. It climaxed for me last Thursday night as I found myself alone and crying uncontrollably (the silent kind, thankfully) in Panera Bread. You know you're a homeless gypsy when the only place you feel comfortable enough to cry in is the couch of a public eatery. What can I say- the world is my living room. Anyways, we've been studying the book of Mark the whole summer and its been really good for me. I 've been looking at the life of Christ and feeling really bad about myself. Jesus pushes through the pain and hangs out with people even when He's tired, He manages to go to bed late and get up at the butt-crack of dawn to spend time with God, He always knows what to say and how to say it. I've been trying to follow His example for so long but a couple of days ago as I was reading Mark I felt like I heard God say, (not audibly of course) " Renee, you're not Jesus, you NEED Jesus." Wow! I know that's pretty elementary but I've been living like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I don't save the world, its not going to get done. I sit down to pray and I almost don't want to because there are so many people that I know who need prayer. I feel guilty because I can't seem to be best friends with every girl on Beach Project. I keep racking my brain trying to fix people, and Jesus keeps saying, "Renee- just love me, just follow me and I'll do what needs to get done through you." I'm living like I have to make myself perfect and I can't do it anymore. Hallelujah!

Back in the Saddle

It's my sixth summer. The sixth summer I've used this season of the year to either come down to Summer Beach Project, or go overseas with Campus Outreach. My perspective is so different than it has ever been. I just don't feel like I have anything to prove to anyone this time around. I really just want to love people and work for Jesus alone this summer. But at the same time I feel absolutely exhausted. I'm learning so much... For a long time I've just been going back and forth about staying on staff with Campus Outreach. I don't enjoy raising support, I don't enjoy feeling inadequate, but I have learned more about the Lord and more about myself and my own insecurities than I would've anywhere else. I love the girls God has brought into my life and I love how Jesus is stretching me here and forcing me to trust Him. Things are not perfect! But nothing is and I want to be a part of the solution. I figure I can criticize and give up or I can commit myself to doing all I can to make it better. I keep thinking about how this is really training me to persevere in my marriage (if that's what the Lord has for me). When you make a commitment and say for better or for worse you don't give up. When things get hard you just keep saying - I'm not giving up on you, no matter how much you hurt me. I am committed to loving you and keeping my heart soft toward you. So I've decided to stick it out and honor my contract. I'll be in Montevallo till August 2009 baby! But I think this year I'm going to take an art class at UM, and I also signed up for this really interesting Holistic Ministry class at Red Mountain- getting out and about you know.

Alien and Stranger

I'm a traveling gypsy. I leave next week for Egypt, when I get back I'll pack up all my belongings, move them out of the Dirty White House and into storage, then head down to Destin, Florida for the summer. Admittedly I'm a bit uneasy, because we haven't secured a place to live for the fall yet but the Lord will provide.
Today was graduation here at UM. Two of my roomates (Erin & Alisa) graduated, so I went to see them walk and I really enjoyed it. Mandii, Camilla, Carl, Janell, and Marcus graduated too so I'm glad that I went. Its been 3 years since I graduated from college. That is insane to me! I remember that right out of college feeling, the excitement and uncertainty, the lack of clear direction, the grasping for something concrete- a job, a place to live- just some kind of security. I'm not so sure I've left that place. I'm still out here in uncharted territory, the only difference is that I've made my peace with not knowing, and taking things a day at a time. Its crazy just yesterday I was having breakfast with my roomates- laughing and playing around. Tonight, two of them are gone and the whole dynamic in our house has changed literally overnight. Life is change.
Just about every minute of the day there's a deep desire in my heart to love and be loved. I think that's why I go in and out of periods of struggling with singleness. I've been seeing lately that in lots of circumstances I reject love in my life if its not in the form I want to receive it. But tonight it was just so good- we had a big graduation party at the house and I just felt the love coming off of everybody. And I started thinking about that line from some old Dave Matthews Band song, "What I want is what I've not got but what I need is all around me." My life is so full if I have eyes to see it. Right now there is nothing stable to rest my feet on but Jesus Christ, and I can't help thinking that right now that's exactly how He wants it to be.

"In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised. That is why his faith was counted to him as righteousness."

Things feel crazy and uncertain to me right now but the essence of faith is believing in the promise of God despite the impossibility of the circumstance. God is the God of the impossible. He longs to make a roadway in the wilderness and streams in the desert for those who trust Him.

egypt

Alright, so I decided that I'm going to Egypt in May. I'm very well aware that my entire last post was mostly about how I absolutely was not going but I'm going. It's kinda crazy, one of my friends is leading the trip and I told him no five times but he wouldn't take no for an answer. We had three massive conversations about faith and unbelief and I ended up deciding to go. I'm excited but of course I'm scared too.

This whole crazy situation has taught me so much:

1. I don't believe God will provide for me - the biggest reason I had ruled Egypt out was because it requires me to have to raise support. I hate raising support so much because I don't trust God.

2. I don't know how to just be friends with guys- another big reason I didn't want to go is because there are a few attractive guys going and I hate getting caught up in one-sided love so...its just easier to just hang with girls. My mindset has been - you're my boyfriend or you're nothing, and as a result I've fallen into putting the "husband hat" (as a good friend of mine would say) on every attractive guy I meet. I come looking to see what I can get instead of coming to see what I can give. When intead I need to be committed to loving my brothers in Christ without looking for some kind of payback.

This is simple stuff but it has been pretty revolutionary for me in the past few weeks. And its been cool because I've had to confess alot of sin lately and I've felt so much love from the body of Christ. Thank God for brothers and sisters who are not afraid to push me.

I'm excited about going to Egypt because:
1. pyramids
2. I'm not in charge of the trip or responsible for anything or anyone
3. meeting Egyptians and finding out what their culture is like

On Hearing the Voice of God

Its been a long time but tonight I'm so in the mood to write that my thoughts are flying faster than my fingers and all this, this expression might not make any sense at all. So much has been going on in my heart and mind the past couple of months and I just want to say it all.

I've been reading this book about a woman's role in the family and society and its really challenged me. I mean its got me asking whether or not women should be in full-time ministry. But I think the biggest thing its showed me is that I am really easily swayed by the opinions and interpretations of man.

Two of my friends have been trying to talk me into going to Egypt for 10 days in the month of May. On Tuesday I said I was 90% yes, but I've been praying about it and there is just no desire in my heart to go. I do want Muslim people to know Christ but I'm not convinced that this is the right time for me to. I heard about the trip a long time ago and never had the desire to go. I just started wanting to go because other people wanted me there. That's not God moving in my heart, and leading me to go.

It is not an easy thing to hear the voice of God. I believe that He can speak to us through other people and through His Word but honestly I'm not sure I know how to pray and wait to hear an answer from the Lord. I usually just get impatient and make a decision. I feel like I use books and other people to form black and white laws for myself so I can avoid having to wait on the Lord. My prayer is usually, Lord this is my decision, if you don't want me to do it You better stop me. But what if my heart said, Lord I'm not moving from here until you tell me to move. I will do nothing unless I know its what You have for me today.

Ok, maybe I'm being a little extreme. I mean I'm going to get up and go to work because I know its what the Lord wants me to do but what about the stuff in the grey, the stuff that could be good but may not be best. Egypt could be great because I'd learn about a new culture, get to love and share with people, and form friendships with people my age. It might not be best because of the money, and the timing. I have to move and a couple of days after we get back I've got to be in a wedding.

It just hard for me to say no when people really want me to go. I prayed specifically for something (that will remain nameless) to happen if the Lord wanted me to go and it didn't happen. I don't think my desire to go is really strong enough... I dunno I feel like I can easily fill my life up with good things but I want to do the best things.