I've been plagued with deep seated anxiety for the greater part of this year. I feel like I'm just not sure that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Everytime I sit down at a lunch table with a group of girls I look around and wonder if I should've sat at another table, or if I'm getting out of my comfort zone enough. Questioning and double mindedness have become a way of life for me. I can't seem to enjoy the moment I'm living in because I'm always worried about what I should do or say next or who I really ought to be talking to. I'm not trusting God. I feel this intense pressure to make things happen and I'm being crushed under the weight of it. I can't do it. I can't make a movement happen at the University of Montevallo. I can't make girls come to know the Lord. But I can love the Lord and love these girls. I'm so afraid that the people I work for and with will be dissapointed with my performance and productivity that it's driving me crazy. Lord help me to see that the gospel is true for me even here in this area of my life. I work for Jesus and He is already pleased with my performance because He already made me perfect through His blood. My heart is so resistant to the grace of God.It is so hard for me to believe that He loves me. I want to prove to Him that I can do things for Him, that I really am a faithful follower and He keeps showing me that I can't and that I'm not. God help me to trust You with today and tommorrow, with my job, my love life, my sanctification and growth in holiness, my family, my friends, my weight, and my doubts. I hold onto everything so tightly, but what I need to do is just let it all go and cling to Jesus. "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever because the Lord God is an everlasting Rock."- Isaiah 26:3-4.
"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace...When a man or woman is truly honest (not just working at it), it is virtually impossible to insult them personally. There is nothing there to insult."- Brennan Manning
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Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements... But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell. --C.S. Lewis
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