I'm not content, I'm distracted

Tired. Suprise suprise, its the middle of the semester. Tonight I'm supposed to be going to a Halloween party. I'm glad because I'll be hanging out with people but at the same time I'd love to just spend the night watching movies and just talking at my house. Last week I felt great, then Traci came and spent the night with me. She talked to me about my schedule and my life and I just broke down. Its easy to feel great when you won't allow yourself time to really get still. I need help. I really wish I had someone to tell me what to do and when to do it all the time. I just don't trust myself. The crazy thing is that the Lord wants to be the One to tell me all this stuff and I feel like I don't even know how to listen to Him. Love, loving people is my job but I feel like I'm starved for it myself. I am my own worst enemy, I keep erecting walls of performance between God and myself. Its like I come to Him with my hands full of all my works and He's trying to embrace me but He can't because of all the stuff in my hands. I'm scared that if I let it drop I'll become lazy.

All the right reasons

I'm back in the living room, and I'm sprawled out on the couch in my sweatpants listening to the new John Mayer cd. I love it, its kind of jazzy but I love jazzy. If you don't want to get the whole album check out: The Heart of Life, Stop this Train and Bold as Love (Jimi Hendrix cover). Bold As Love, I like the sound of that. I'm supposed to be writing my weekly report right now but my brain is fried so I'm emptying it here on my blog before I proceed. There's this question on the report that I hate to answer- What's been motivating you in ministry this week? I never have good answers. I always have to say ugly things like fear and ambition with a little love mixed in. My heartbeat is fear. Fear keeps me working ridiculously long hours. It makes me ignore things I feel like I can't deal with. It shuts my mouth and averts my eyes when I really want to connect with someone.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
(1Jo 4:18)

I haven't been perfected in love but I want to be. Christ's love was bold. He died naked in the face of the jeers and the spit of the people he came to save. He loves me eventhough I can't imagine how His love can be stronger than romantic love. He's bold, He's bold as love. “Love is as hard as nails, it is nails”- C.S. Lewis

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell. --C.S. Lewis

Thanksgiving

I'm home in Marietta this weekend for Thanksgiving. You may think that the Jett family has gotten its months mixed up but we know its October. My brother, Jason, works at Disney World in Orlando in their Resort Sales Department. Since there are so many people who come to the park during the holidays he can't come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, so we are happy to accomodate our holidays around his schedule. I left Montevallo around 7:30 or 8pm last night and seriously almost fell asleep at the wheel about 400 times. I know one thing for sure- the Lord still has things for me to do here on earth. I did that head nod thing the whole way to Georgia and I almost hit a couple of cars in the lanes next to me- ha ha! I am no good at night driving.
The past month or so of my life has been amazingly peaceful. Nothing major has really changed. I'm still busy, I still live and work in Montevallo, Alabama but I don't know I guess God is just starting to cure me of the disease my friends call ATMS (Afraid to miss something). I'm beginning to believe that I'm exactly where He wants me to be, and I really do love little Montevallo. I love the Peach pear smoothies at Eclipse, the cheese dip at Zappopan. I love knowing the waiters and waitresses at both of those local hangouts. I love chilling out and drinking Earl Grey tea with Joey, Camilla, Stacey, Hooper, and Corey in Peck. I love watching my roomies try on 50 different outfits and helping them decide what they want to wear for a night out on the town. I love table hopping in the Caf.
I haven't had a chance to dance very much lately. I don't know why its so important to me but I miss it. I feel like dancing is a visual and physical expression of ecstatic happiness. That's why I think that no graduation, birthday, wedding, New Year's Eve celebration... is ever truly complete without at least a little personal dance party. I've caught myself dancing in the bathroom if I'm having a really good time at a friends house. Not like I go in there just to dance but just while I'm fixing my hair or washing my hands at the sink I'll just dance it out for a couple of seconds. Anyways... Happy Thanksgiving people!

Orlando and everything after

Its been a busy and crazy month. I've been traveling alot and that's going to continue - I've been to Orlando where I visited my brother, stayed with my friend Heather from college, and caught the Montevallo lady Falcons playing soccer at Rollins college. Last weekend I went to Florence, Alabama for a staff women's retreat. The CO directors surprised us by giving us all free massages (there's a really funny story that goes along with this- ask me). This weekend I'm hanging out in and near Montevallo. Next weekend I'm going home to visit the family in Marietta, GA and the week after that our whole staff team will be flying out to Minneapolis to attend the Piper conference on Postmodern culture (which I'm so excited about I could pee my pants).
Meanwhile, during the week I'm hanging out and meeting with different students at Montevallo. Its been a really good school year so far. There is just a ton of spiritual interest on campus and God keeps bringing girls that need to hear about Him across my path. I feel like God is just moving me into a new stage of life. It seems like my life has just been really well insulated. Living in the suburbs with my movies, my music, my friends, so many of these things were just a barrier between me and the harsher side of life. It's not like my life is all that hard but God is just making me dissatisfied with the things I normally turn to for comfort, happiness, and just as a way of escape. Its so easy for me to use food, crushes, shopping and a million other things to make me forget about what's really going on in my life.
I am really thankful for this time in my life, eventhough its kinda painful. Even training for a marathon is teaching me to persevere through pain. God really is using all of the dissatisfaction I feel to make my heart singleheartedly devoted to Him. He won't let me be satisfied with anything less than Himself.

For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the LORD has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you," says the LORD, your Redeemer. "This is like the days of Noah to me: as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you, and will not rebuke you. For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
(Isa 54:5-10)

“Pain is not something most people like. That is why we run from it as fast as we can. That is also why we aren’t free. Jesus hardly ever goes to those places where we run. When pain comes (or when we fear that it will come), don’t run away. Run to it, and you will find you have run into the arms of Jesus. In other words, buck up, face it, embrace it, and know that you and Jesus can deal with it. Then you will laugh and dance in the freedom and the reality of God’s sufficiency and the power that becomes awesome in your weakness.” Steve Brown, A Scandalous Freedom

“In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us- that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking something besides Him, we lose it.” – Brennan Manning (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

Rough Draft

Here's a rough beyond rough draft of a poem I'm working on.

Illusions

Loving an idea, a theory
Like loving the dolls in plastic packaging
Well-groomed,
well-versed, well-dressed,
well- adjusted, well- prepared, and well-balanced

Cohabitating with shadows, shells
Beckoning them to life
Pulling strings and speaking words
As they whisk around with their heavy hollow heads

In smiling faces and warm hands there’s chance
Chance they’ll open the shiny paper of soul to find a plain white piece of paper
And me scratching hollow cavern bareness

Silhouetted ideals, they call to me
In crowded rooms, to silence
And in the car, convincing me to press ignore to stop the ringing
Grasping the blackness of elusive desert mirages with naked hands,
Until I know alone.

Square One

This is the first time in a while that I've actually felt like writing. Oh gosh, life has been really interesting this week. As always I simply have no idea what I'm doing. I've fumbled my way through the gospel and my testimony a few times this week but it hasn't really rung true. Maybe I shouldn't be a professional Christian. The only thing I can think to do is love people, I don't have the mind of a strategist. As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I've double booked myself tommorrow at 2pm and both girls would be dissapointed if I canceled. AAAH! There is just so much need and I am completely insufficient to fill all of it. I don't know how to prioritize. I think its easy in this job to look at people and sort of think how they are connected with other people and whether or not they can get you "in" with certain groups instead of seeing people for who they are and trusting God to move the way He wants to move, I am definitely guilty of doing this. I mean I can barely talk to a male student for over 5 minutes without feeling guilty. Boys have souls too, they need to hear the gospel and they need encouragementt just the same as anyone else. Who am I working for? Am I working to see quick and measurable results so I can feel good about myself or am I working for a Sovereign God who brings people into my life and saves them in such a way that I can take none of the credit. Am I building God's kingdom or Renee's? Am I more concerned about what I'll look like in front of my colleagues than I am about the souls of girls on campus? My heart is not broken. If I was God I probably wouldn't choose fishermen as my disciples, I'd have been really smart and gone for the Pharisees or Saducees. Better yet I would've gone to the Roman officials, people with some serious social muscle. I just feel like I need to begin ministering out of a place of conviction. Do I think having a target group is Biblical? What is an influential person? I'm back to the drawing board, I ought to just make a home here.

Gearing Up

Deep breath...Alright my work schedule is going to get a little intense starting next week. Why is it that I feel so much pressure? Well, I'm afraid to make mistakes and fail (I don't trust God to get the work He wants done through me). It's a little intimidating, I've got no one to tell me exactly what needs to be done everyday. I don't have the strength to be as bold as I need to be. I'm not that good at sharing my faith and even worse at actually living it out. I don't want to just exist, I want to make an impact.
I think the problem is that my eyes are fixed on me and all my inadequacies instead of on the sufficiency of Christ.I've posted these verses before but they're so good I'm posting them again.

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.
(2Pe 1:2-10)

Confessions of a Cornbread Junkie

I'm back from 9 days of Return Training + Staff Fellowship. Steph dropped me off in Montevallo around 3 or 4pm today, so I've been washing clothes, and hanging out on the couch eating cornbread and drinking milk. I really may be addicted to cornbread. Short-term additction is becoming an odd pattern in my life. For some reason I just get fixated on something and I just can't get enough. Right now its that cheap Jiffy goodness. I mean you can't beat it. If you've got 50 cents, an egg and 1/3 cup of milk you too can enjoy sweet satisfying taste of cornbread muffins. Unfortunately, the ones I made tonight were a little dry because I left them in the oven 3 minutes too long, but its alright. Return training and staff fellowship went really well. I've still got alot of work to do before the semester starts but at least now I've got some direction and vision. I got a new digital camera last month so I'm going to show you a few of my favorite pics from the summer.
These are some of the coolest girls that live in Montevallo, Alabama.
Nikki and Steph in the grocery store as we attempted to plan and cook dinner for 10.
I love Ginny and Amy Barrett! I took this pic on a Sunday afternoon while I was having fun and exploring the Homewood buisness district. I love the color scheme in O'Carrs, I can't wait to eat there if I'm ever in the area when they're open.

The Deception of Fear

Alright this is going to sound a little weird but... I had this dream a couple of weeks ago. In the dream I was mowing the front lawn at my parents house and as I'm mowing the lawn I see this huge snakeskin and suddenly this huge snake is chasing me up the driveway. At that point I jarred myself awake because I was so afraid. I'm not really interested in getting caught by a snake, even if it's just in Dreamland. I never remember my dreams but this one is sticking with me. Maybe its dumb to try to interpret your dreams but I can't help but think that Satan really is trying to discourage me or chase me away from what I'm doing or something like that, or maybe the snake was just a metaphor for all my fears. God's really been showing me alot lately about how afraid I am about everything really.

It's kinda silly but lately I've been seeing how fear plays out in my life in a million little ways. I'll be running and I'll pass a man on the street and suddenly get scared that he's going to attack me so I'll have to look behind me real quick when I pass him to make sure he's not gonna try a sneak attack from the back (as if simply looking at him is really going to stop him). Or I'll be about to go to a meeting and just start getting scared everything is going to be unbearably hard. Sometimes I even just refuse to answer my cellphone for days at a time because I'm scared that everyone who calls will want to talk for two hours. Mostly I'm just overwhelmed and afraid that I'm not capable of making the right decisions and doing what it is that God wants me to do.

I think I've been focusing so long on my total depravity (which yes, apart from Christ I am totally depraved) that I've forgotten about the riches of what I have now that I'm in Christ. Check out this passage:
May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
(2Pe 1:2-11)

I think that fear overtakes me when I get so caught up in my life that I become nearsighted and I forget that I've been cleansed from my former sins. I start wallowing in them and I don't believe I can do anything right when I'm looking at all my failures. Through Christ I am a partaker in the divine nature. I am more than a conqueror. I have all that I need to do what I was born to do because I have Christ. The end of all this life, the end of this world, and the future of all mankind is Christ, and I have Him as my own. Do I believe that? Do I live like it?

I heard a great story last Sunday at one of the churches I went to. One day Martin Luther was incredibly discouraged, so his wife dressed herself in all black. When he saw her working around the house in those clothes he asked, "Where are you going?", and she said, "nowhere". So he replied, "Then why are you dressed like that?" and she said, "Because God is dead!". Then he got really mad that she said that so she said, "well, if God is alive then live like it." I have a form of godliness but too often I deny its power. God is alive and well and working. If God is for us, who can be against us?

"...our problem as human beings is deeper than the individual sins we commit each day, creating the specific problems that complicate our lives. Our deepest problem is that we seek to find our identity outside the story of redemption. If the entire goal and direction of our lives are wrong, we need much more than practical advice on how to do the right thing in a particular situation. We need a message big enough to overcome our natural human instinct to live for our own glory, pursue our own happiness, and forget that our lives are much, much bigger than this little moment of life. Every day in some way, we buy the lies of autonomy and self-sufficiency, worshiping the creation rather than the Creator." - Paul Tripp (Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands)

The Zen Of Housework

By Al Zolynas

I look over my shoulder
down my arms
to where they disappear under water
into hands inside pink rubber gloves
moiling among dinner dishes.

My hands lift a wine glass,
holding it by the stem and under the bowl.
It breaks the surface
like a chalice
rising from a medieval lake.

Full of the grey wine
of domesticity, the glass floats
to the level of my eyes.
Behind it, through the window
above the sink, the sun, among
a ceremony of sparrows and bare branches,
is setting in Western America.

I can see thousands of droplets
of steam- each a tiny spectrum- rising
from my goblet of grey wine.
They sway, changing directions
constantly- like a school of playful fish,
or like the sheer curtain
on the window to another world.

Ah, grey sacrament of the mundane!

An Unwelcome Guest

The word cancer has suddenly become real to me in the past couple of days. Usually when someone tells me that their grandmother or friend or father has cancer I say, "I'm really sorry" and I act kinda concerned but I don't really give it much thought. Last Wednesday night my mom was rushed to the ICU of our local hospital because her doctor found that her white blood cell count was dangerously high. They told us that she has leukemia. It came as a total shock to me. I knew she'd been having bad headaches and that she'd seen a couple of doctors but I just figured it was migraines.
I don't really believe this is happening. I came back to Georgia today to check on her and bring her some books to read while she's in the hospital. It's really hard seeing her with so many tubes all over the place but I'm so encouraged by her attitude. She's really trusting that the Lord will heal her. She's also been making friends with all the doctors and nurses. When my dad and I came in tonight to visit her a nurse named Barbara was in her room chatting it up with her and she'd brought her all kind of gifts from home like fresh fruit, chocolate, a book, and a journal. Inside the cover of the red journal Barbara had written- "From one control freak to another".
I love it. I can just imagine my mom sitting up late talking to this lady about life and encouraging her just like she's encouraged me so many times. Its really blown me away. The Sunday before my mom was admitted into the hospital I went to church with my parents at our "crazy" Pentecostal church. The pastor preached a pretty good sermon about witnessing (evangelism). When I went to visit my mom for the first time the first thing she said to me when I got into her room was "I've been able to witness twice since I've been here, I know God has me here for a reason." She's always been the kind of woman who wasn't scared to talk about Jesus anytime, any place, and she's no different in the hospital. I told my mom tonight that she reminds me of Paul in Philippians 1:12-13 when he says, "I want you to know brothers that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ." Though I would change the wording to say something like what has happened to my mom has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole intensive care unit and to all the rest that her hospitalization is for Christ.
She told me tonight that she's trusting God for a full recovery. I want to believe that God will do it but Lord help my unbelief! When I got home from the hospital tonight my sister asked me to pray with her. I think its the first time we've ever prayed together. I don't know what's going to happen. Tonight as I was leaving my mom said, "Well, I'll see you in a couple of months (that shows you how much I've been home in the past year), and I was like, "you'll see me alot sooner than that." She really wants everything to be life as usual but it can't be life as usual. It'd be easy for me to go back to Montevallo and get so involved in my work and my life that I forget the seriousness of what's going on here at home. I don't want to do that.

Up to Speed

I got back in town yesterday and its been good to be back. My time at home was so nice. The first week I just relaxed with my parents.They are hilarious in their own way. My dad's really quiet, he just retired but he was an engineer for over 35 years, I think he's a pretty smart guy. Then there's my mom who is crazy and outspoken and will talk to just about anyone about anything. They've got a really funny dynamic going on. Anyways they tag teamed me while I was home and convinced me that I need to write out a budget and stick to it, and that I really need to be careful about what I eat. They are so funny, at 4pm everyday they watch Oprah togteher. So one day she had this big show on nutrition and healthy eating so they taped it and showed it to me when I came home (they do this sort of thing all the time). Growing up the house was stocked with french fries, hamburgers, icecream, chips, and lots of other good tasting treats. But I opened up the freezer when I got home and all I found was sherbert. It's good though and I'm really proud of them. I think it's really important to be a good stewart of your body. Now they've got me reading food labels so that I know what I'm putting in my body. All these preservatives, chemicals, and hormones we put in our bodies are terrible. They're making us lethargic and fat (I'll blog about this more later).
The second week was full of friends and fun. I tracked down lots of old friends from high school and college and caught up with them. My friend Amanda even drove from Birmingham to come and visit me that weekend (she earned 10 friend points for that). I'd only planned on staying at home for 2 weeks but some of my friends from college convinced me to go to the beach with them for 3 days and I'm glad I did because some crazy stuff happened at the end of that third week and my family needed me to be there.
All this traveling and living in different places is so weird. I mean part of me likes it but part of me wishes I was settled somewhere but it's hard. Even during the school year I travel alot on the weekends whether it's work related, or visiting my friends or my family. My life here in Alabama is really centered on work, while most of the people that know me well live in various cities around Georgia, Nashville, TN, or Chicago,IL. I'm not doing such a good job of juggling all the relationships in my life. I'd like to have more of a life outside of work here in Alabama but I'm not sure if I really have the time for it.
I ran 9 miles this morning. It's my longest run so far and I really shouldn't call it a run - maybe a jog, by the end I seriously think people could have walked faster than I was running, but hey it got done. Then I drove down to the Fresh Market and bought some healthy, organic food and tonight I'm going to make dinner and watch movies. I'd love company- there's an open invitation for anyone who doesn't mind driving out here!

Life Theory #756- Love is a Miracle

Today was really...full. I met my friend Amy this afternoon for lunch and shopping. She filled me in about what's been going on with her this year. She just broke up with this amazing guy who genuinely loves the Lord. My question of course was, "What happened?". Her answer, "I wasn't enough for him physically." Her height bothered him and he told her that if she ever got fat they would no longer be dating. When she asked him what would happen if she gained weight during say... pregancy, he said, "Well, Faith Hill did it". Needless to say, I walked away from our time together a little discouraged. Most of the godly guys I know, I mean guys I really respect, want a girl who's a spiritual studress, and wears a size 2 with big boobs and no cellulite- hot and godly right!(I know I'm exaggerating a little- but only a little.) I was mad for about 10 minutes, then the Lord started to bring my own unrealistic expectations to mind. I mean I'm looking for a smart, witty, spiritual, attractive, intriguing, college educated, decisive, wise, athletic but not uber-athletic, ecclectic, creative, unique, freethinking, poor people loving, gospel centered man. He dosen't exist (dang it!), so I can't get mad at these guys for being honest about wanting some serious eye-candy.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I think no one thinks I'm attractive- but during these times I conveniently forget about all the 18 year old students from JSU, the men who work in fast-food establishments, grocery stores, on the backs of garbage trucks, and even the men who drive cars with loud horns who daily show me their appreciation. I've liked so many guys in the past that would never consider being with me because of one or more of my physical traits, but I really do the same thing everyday when I overlook people because I know they aren't college educated, or interesting enough, or cute. I don't believe in love at first sight, it's straight lust at first sight.

Anyways, after I hung out with Amy I drove straight up to Rome and had dinner with two couples who are some of my great friends from college. Just sitting there listening to them talk and interact with eachother I was thinking how it really is a miracle that anyone gets married. God really is committed to populating the earth, if He wasn't we'd all be holding out waiting for just the right one- the grass would always be greener somewhere else.

My longest college crush was this guy named Jarrod, he had a beard (I'm a sucker for facial hair). I thought we'd be perfect together but everytime I talked to him I got nervous, or asked him dumb questions, or just tried to be something I wasn't- deep or cool or something. So eventhough he knew me, he never really knew me. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to try to be what I think some guy wants whether that's physically, spiritually, or in terms of personality.

So here's my theory, I think that God puts a special love in your heart for the person you're supposed to be with, and they have that special love for you too. It's like they can really see you- see your unique beauty, your funny quirks, they can know what you're thinking by the look on your face, and they can see your sin and still want to love you (even if they don't in the moment), they are committed to your soul.

As women it seems like we're constantly trying to get different guys to see us like that through the way we dress, our exaggerated laughter, intense eye contact, even serving and loving people in front of that special guy. But no matter how hard we try they can't see us. I want to stop living like that- I don't want to have to convince my husband that he should love me. It's about soul-connection, and I'm convinced that soul-connection, the kind where you forget about the way a person is making you feel or look, and you're consumed with lavishing them with love and helping them even when it seems impossible, is a miracle. Sure it takes pain, and tears and work but it's possible- with that person who can see you. Maybe that's idealistic but I hope it's true. Trust me I'll be putting this theory to the test whenever I get the chance. Who knows I may just flag down the next Jesus loving sanitation worker who honks at me while I'm running.

The Way of Death- Meditations on Nothing But Death

At first glance this poem is depressing I admit. I really hesitated to post it on my blog but it’s beautiful, Neruda has this incredible way with images. I feel like poetry is becoming a dead art. There are no famous poems that everyone talks about and it doesn’t seems like many people go to hear poetry read anymore. Poems aren't easy and mindless. Their very nature requires you to think, it takes a little hard work but it's worth it. So come an explore with me the mystery and excitement of this poem. One thing you'll have to accept from the beginning is that part of poetry is mystery. A poet will almost never give you a strict, hard and fast interpretation of what you're reading. You piece it together and see what you think it might mean.

Pause (this pause is intended to give us both time to re-read the poem included in my last blog)

Let’s tackle the first stanza:
There are cemeteries that are lonely,
graves full of bones that do not make a sound,
the heart moving through a tunnel,
in it darkness, darkness, darkness,
like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,
as though we were drowning inside our hearts,
as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.

Ok, what is he trying to get at here? Cemeteries are lonely? Cemeteries are inanimate objects, how can they be lonely? But what if this lonely cemetery is a metaphor? What could it be a metaphor for? Look down at the third line- I think it could be a metaphor for the heart. Why is the heart a cemetery? I think the better question for this stanza is how does the heart become a cemetery? It moves in a tunnel of darkness, we die going into ourselves, we drown inside our own hearts, as though we are living falling out of our physical bodies and throwing ourselves into our souls/hearts. Neruda makes a case for the destructiveness of morbid introspection and selfishness.

Moving right along, stanzas number 2&3:

And there are corpses,
feet made of cold and sticky clay,
death is inside the bones,
like a barking where there are no dogs,
coming out from bells somewhere, from graves somewhere,
growing in the damp air like tears of rain.

Sometimes I see alone
coffins under sail,
embarking with the pale dead, with women that have dead hair,
with bakers who are as white as angels,
and pensive young girls married to notary publics,
caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead,
the river of dark purple,
moving upstream with sails filled out by the sound of death,
filled by the sound of death which is silence.


Alright, I’m not sure what exactly he’s getting at in stanza 2 and he may just be saying things for effect but I love the two lines that say, “death is inside the bones, like a barking where there are no dogs.” What are these corpses? They could be experiences, or dead relationships, or people. But I think this stanza says a lot about the inevitability of death, it’s inside the bones, it calls to everyone. The next stanza begins with, “Sometimes I see alone”, if you think about how he started the poem, “There are cemeteries that are lonely”, it kinda makes you think that he might be trying to say something about the deadliness of being alone or lonely. Then he lists of all these people, pale people, women with dead hair, bakers covered in white flour, thoughtful young girls married to boring men – they are caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead. Calling them caskets is really interesting. The casket is a carrier, it carries something that is already dead. What could that dead thing that they’re carrying be, maybe their dead hearts? And these alone coffins or caskets they are filled with the sound of death as they move upstream, the sound of silence.
Stanzas 4&5:
Death arrives among all that sound
like a shoe with no foot in it, like a suit with no man in it,
comes and knocks, using a ring with no stone in it, with no
finger in it,
comes and shouts with no mouth, with no tongue, with no
throat.
Nevertheless its steps can be heard
and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree.

I'm not sure, I understand only a little, I can hardly see,
but it seems to me that its singing has the color of damp violets,
of violets that are at home in the earth,
because the face of death is green,
and the look death gives is green,
with the penetrating dampness of a violet leaf
and the somber color of embittered winter.

Stanza 4 has some beautiful imagery. Death arrives as the coffins move silently toward it. Death is empty, it barely makes a sound yet it can be heard like a whisper. Stanza 5, well I like it but I don’t know how to explain it. He may be likening death to damp green violets because the color of decay can be green. He may be comparing violets to death because these violets are at home in the earth and death is our only certainty in this life on earth. Perhaps because green is the color of life and as the world is all that is alive will be given over to death – green is death’s calling card (feel free to choose your own interpretation).


Stanzas 6&7:
But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,
lapping the floor, looking for dead bodies,
death is inside the broom,
the broom is the tongue of death looking for corpses,
it is the needle of death looking for thread.

Death is inside the folding cots:
it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses,
in the black blankets, and suddenly breathes out:
it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets,
and the beds go sailing toward a port
where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral.

Alright, we’ve reached the final stanzas and they may be the most difficult ones. Death as a broom, well maybe just dressed as a broom. What could that broom be? I think the broom might be circumstances that bring people to death. It laps the floor. What could the floor be? The bottom rims of society- the impoverished, people who have sunken inside themselves- the depressed, the mentally ill. Well, we know that its actively seeking people. The last stanza is really interesting. Its like death is waiting inside hospital cots, or beds where depressed people sleep, it’s waiting to sail these people to where death is waiting dressed as an admiral. Why is death dressed as an admiral? It’s a commander, its been given authority over all the living.

So what can we gather from all of this? It seems like a depressing, grim, rather scary poem by an old Latino man. But,I think we can learn alot from all of this. So, Neruda starts off his poem by letting us know what he thinks is the problem with the human heart. We die going into ourselves, we drown in our own hearts. Death calls us and we cannot resist. We are alone, as the carriers of our dead hearts. We are moving toward death in our silences. As sure as we are alive we will be dead. It’s lurking about looking for people who have resigned themselves to the folding cots. It’s waiting and we can’t resist, it’s the commander. Alright, that’s still depressing. Neruda is right, death is inevitable. We all walk around barely able to interact on any kind of deep level with each other because the only person our hearts are in tuned with is ourselves. We’re drowning more and more everyday as we try to satiate ourselves with ourselves- self-protection, self-awareness, self-esteem, self-help, self-analysis, enough of me already. Sometimes I really think that if I can just figure myself out I can fix myself- but it always just makes me more confused and mentally disoriented. As this happens to our hearts Neruda describes people as walking coffins, almost practicing death. That’s crazy but I think I see it. I see it in people who refuse to take risks, who live vicariously through television characters and spend most of their time on the couch, who feel like it’s too hard and messy to get involved in other people’s lives. What’s the solution? Well, I love this poem because I think it speaks to the modern condition of man. We are a selfish bunch, unknowingly practicing death until we finally resign ourselves to it. Someone once told me that for the believer this world as we know it is the closest we’ll ever come to hell, and that for the unbeliever it is the closest they will ever come to heaven. So what does Jesus say about the inevitability of death?

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die."
(Gen 2:16-17)

We are in this mess because of man’s rebellion from the authority of God. Man was deceived, he thought that if he came out from under God’s authority he could control his own destiny and his own life. But that is not the case, instead man unknowingly through his rebellion subjected himself to the father of rebellion. So man apart from God is enslaved to sin and satan. His very life he lives in the practice of death, looking out for himself and no one else. He lives in constant comparison, paranoia, fear, strife, self-gratification, and self-protection.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience-- among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.
(Eph 2:1-3)

But God sees us in all of this misery and loves us.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved-- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
(Eph 2:4-9)

Christ comes on the scene and lives the perfect life that we can’t. Then He dies taking on all our sin, He suffers what we should have to suffer because of our rebellion and he turns the tables on EVERYTHING. He says that eternal life is knowing Him and God through Him. He says that through putting our sinful rebellion to death there is life.

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ being raised from the dead will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies, to make you obey their passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
(Rom 6:4-14)

What kind of death did Christ die? He died by putting sin to death, and so we follow him in putting our sinful selves to death so that we may be free from sin which is in its essence death. So death is the way, for both the Christian and the non-Christian. The non-Christian unknowingly practices death through his search for life. He does all he can to do the things that will make him happy and make him feel more alive- but his dead heart leads him into self-gratification, selfish ambition, and self-promotion. While the Christian practices what looks like death in his quest to know and love Christ more fully. We die to our rights to ourselves, our plans for our own lives, and we find real life.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
(Joh 12:24-25)

Nod to a Fabulous Poet

Nothing But Death
by Pablo Neruda
Translated by Robert Bly


There are cemeteries that are lonely,
graves full of bones that do not make a sound,
the heart moving through a tunnel,
in it darkness, darkness, darkness,
like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,
as though we were drowning inside our hearts,
as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.

And there are corpses,
feet made of cold and sticky clay,
death is inside the bones,
like a barking where there are no dogs,
coming out from bells somewhere, from graves somewhere,
growing in the damp air like tears of rain.

Sometimes I see alone
coffins under sail,
embarking with the pale dead, with women that have dead hair,
with bakers who are as white as angels,
and pensive young girls married to notary publics,
caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead,
the river of dark purple,
moving upstream with sails filled out by the sound of death,
filled by the sound of death which is silence.

Death arrives among all that sound
like a shoe with no foot in it, like a suit with no man in it,
comes and knocks, using a ring with no stone in it, with no
finger in it,
comes and shouts with no mouth, with no tongue, with no
throat.
Nevertheless its steps can be heard
and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree.

I'm not sure, I understand only a little, I can hardly see,
but it seems to me that its singing has the color of damp violets,
of violets that are at home in the earth,
because the face of death is green,
and the look death gives is green,
with the penetrating dampness of a violet leaf
and the somber color of embittered winter.

But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,
lapping the floor, looking for dead bodies,
death is inside the broom,
the broom is the tongue of death looking for corpses,
it is the needle of death looking for thread.

Death is inside the folding cots:
it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses,
in the black blankets, and suddenly breathes out:
it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets,
and the beds go sailing toward a port
where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral.

How am I not myself?

I'm back in good old Marietta, GA, hanging out with my family and friends and trying to raise a little support (I accidentally left all my support stuff in Montevallo so we'll see what happens with that). Anyways, I've been hanging out with alot of my old friends and they keep asking me if I'm ok and saying things to the affect that I'm not acting like myself. That makes me feel weird. I went running this morning and I spent most of that time doing an internal psycho-analysis of myself, trying to figure out why I'm acting weird. This of course left me pretty mentally exhausted. Bottom line- life is changing, my friends are changing and I'm changing. Most of my friends here are married- so they talk about buying houses, having children, relating to their husbands, and what's going on in their social circles. I can't give much advice or input on those topics but I do enjoy listening and learning. When people ask me what's going on with me, I never know how much they really want to know so I keep it brief. My job and my life are probably seem as foreign to them as their world is to me. It's good for me to be here, I just need a little time to warm up.

Rambling thoughts of a nomad

I'm writing from my fun blue couch in Montevallo, AL. I got back in town tonight around 5pm, bought a Lean Cuisine from the grocery store and rented two movies. Unfortunately the sound on our dvd player isn't working so it looks like I'll be reading, blogging and eating hot cornbread muffins tonight, and I'm not complaining- I'm all alone in the Shanahan House and I'm lovin' it. Being at Beach Project really was so good for my heart. There's something mysterious and powerful about the Body of Christ. Being around so many other believers exposes so much of my sin but at the same time I think I felt more loved by God and other people during the short month of June than I have all year. I need people in my life alot more than I'd like to admit.

I love my job! Isn't that weird, I feel like I've had so much inner conflict this year and so many doubts about whether or not God really wants me to work for Campus Outreach, and whether I have what it takes and what my bosses are looking for. I will freely admit that part of the reason I came on staff in the first place was because I was afraid. Afraid that if I didn't, I would lose my focus on Christ and become another materialistic suburbanite (much to my dissapointment being on staff doesn't keep me from buying crap I don't need). But the other part of me took the job because I really do want to love people and see them come to see Jesus as their sweet Savior and intimate friend (I feel really cheesy typing that).

This summer I feel like I've been smacked in the face with the reality that most of the girls I know are walking around broken, living in the cage of performance, and dying to be loved. . All of their families, even the ones that look happy are screwed up and dysfunctional. Jesus, why is it so hard for us to accept your unconditional love? I feel like we put the cart before the horse (or however that analogy is supposed to go). I'd love it if we had one whole summer devoted to seeing the beauty of Christ. I feel like we're so afraid that the students won't labor or be productive Christians so we force them to get a bunch of evangelistic experiences, which isn't necessarily bad. All I'm saying is that the reason most people don't evangelize is not because they've never seen it modeled for them, it's because Christ isn't that beautiful to them. I wonder what would happen if the only focus of next year's SBP was Christ and the beauty of the gospel, and we didn't teach so many methods of evangelism. I wonder if evangelism would explode. Being a Christian is more than knowing that Christ died for your sin and that you can go to heaven if you trust Him and repent, its got to move your heart. I think we've seen so many people "fall away from the faith" lately because they missed the whole point. Jesus didn't save us to just be His soldiers- bringing the truth to people through evangelism and a strict regime of bible study and memorization. He saved us to restore intimate communion between us and God. If there is no intimate communion with God in your life you are missing the point. He desires a people that are wholeheartedly in love with Him, not just His mission. No man wants to marry a woman who will clean the house, cook wonderful meals, and even have sex with him without looking into his eyes and enjoying him, and God doesn't want people who are so busy doing His work that they don't have time to slow down and melt at his touch. A husband demands the full love and attention of his wife and God demands that His Bride be captivated with the beauty of who He is. Only then will our service be acceptable. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
(2Co 3:18)
He melts the hardness of our hearts with the fire of His love.

Crazy Running Fool

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Panama City Beach drinking a vanilla latte that I bought because you can't just use wireless without buying something. The funny thing is that I don't like coffee but I'm rolling it around in my mouth right now and contemplating attempting to acquire a taste for it. My friend and fellow staff girl Stephanie Kanute convinced me to run the Chicago marathon with her in October so I signed up and paid my $90. Before I actually registered I called her and let her know that I was doing it so she could make sure and do it that day too. Well, ironically she didn't get around to it that day and when she did get around to it the marathon was closed because the maximum had been reached. So, I'm registered for a marathon in Chicago that I never would've thought about running in, in the first place. Why? Why would the Lord want me to run the Chicago marathon ALONE? I don't really know but I'm excited to find out. My best friend from highschool and her husband live there and so does my good friend Jaime from college, so hopefully I can visit them while I'm there. Kanute and I have been running at least 3 times a week down here. This morning we ran between 4 and 4.5 miles in 51 minutes. I've got a long way to go, pray that I stick with this- who wants to waste $90?

Grace upon Grace

I'm in the middle of my second week down here at SBP. It's been so good for me. I'm learning so much, mostly about extending grace to people. I've been frustrated more than once with different people down here and how they spend their time, or their ministry philosophy, or the way that they view God. I stayed up late one night last week journaling violently about a particular situation, and the next day God really convicted my heart about my lack of love. My sin and frustration is just as disgusting as their sin. The thing that makes me the most hurt and upset is feeling like someone is judging me but it seems like it's the first thing I run to when people's actions or ideas don't line up with mine. God is slowly breaking me, there are so many people down here that don't believe that God loves them (myself included). They are trying so hard to prove themselves to Him and to everyone else. It seems like everyone I talk to is dealing with self-hatred and guilt. What they need from me is not a condemning speech about how they really need to believe in the grace of God. They need to see me love them unconditionally whether they fail or succeed, whether they think they way I do or not, whether they look down on me, ignore me, or think that I'm great. Lord help me to accept people in process. I need Your love. I need Your love. I need Your love. This is not about me. I need Your love. Love wash over a multitude of things.