Fear in Drawing, Love, and Life

I almost started crying in drawing class today. My teacher makes us do these quick gesture drawings of our nude model, then turn them around for our whole class to see. You guessed it....Humiliation. My first drawing absolutely sucked, the proportions were all wrong and while I was drawing she came over and started drawing all over it, which is never a good sign. After I turned it around she gave me a mini lecture in front of the class about how fear of failure completely interferes with the drawing process. Prof. Graffeo is such a wise woman. I'm seeing how this principle keeps playing itself out in every area of my life.

I recently started dating this amazing guy and even with him I find myself living in the fear that I'm going to somehow screw it up. Its in my ministry too... Joey saw me in the Caf yesterday and got onto me about not hanging out with her on Friday night like I said that I might. She told me that she feels like she can't count on me anymore, and she's right. Last week we had to turn in our sketch books in my drawing class and there weren't nearly enough drawings in my book. I'm discipling 10 girls and I feel like I'm not giving them enough individual time and attention. I just can't seem to get my life working the way I want it, I feel like a really uncoordinated juggler.

But the truth is...its not my life and I can't make it "work right" no matter how hard I try. I've always felt pretty capable and talented but I think the Lord is teaching me to just trust like a little girl in a storm, clinging to her Daddy's neck.

Its Christmas Eve and I'm right at home in Marietta, GA. Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since I've been here. Its really hard to get around and see all the people who want to be seen in your hometown and fell like you're resting at the same time, but I love my old friends and I suddenly have this new desire to keep in touch with them. It's probably a little premature to write an end of the year blog but I'm going for it. 2007 has been a dang good year! Even my family is making leaps and strides. Tonight I cooked dinner, my mom made dessert and we played Scrabble. It was fun! I think that's my prayer for our family this year, that we'd learn to have fun together and enjoy eachother's company. I think that until we learn to enjoy one another no one else is really going to want to be a part of our family. Don't get me wrong, we don't hate eachother. We can talk and be friendly we're just not really friends. My brother couldn't come home for Christmas again this year because he has to work :(, so its just the four of us Mom, Dad, my sister, and me. We've had a good time so far and I'm praying it'll continue into tommorrow. Anyways...back to the year in review. My word for this year was Discipline and the Lord really did it. From teaching me how to eat healthy to showing me over and over again that I can never be Jesus to people, its been hard and good. Last year at this time Mandii Rowland was talking to me about getting engaged. This Christmas Mandii Erwin told me that she's having a baby!!!! Amazing! Here are my New Year's resolutions:
1.Make a decision about staying on or leaving staff
2.Memorize a passage of scripture
3.Date someone (or at least go out on a date)

That's all I've got right now.

News Flash

My brand new favorite song is Griffin House's Ordinary Day. I'm fully convinced that this guy's been reading my journal. I dig it!

The heart of things...

I didn't want to go to church this morning...and I don't think I would've if I hadn't felt obligated. Its become this extension of my job, where I think people just expect me to be there and have college students with me. I guess I can thank God for obligations. The biggest reason I didn't want to show up this morning was because I knew there wouldn't be many college students there since it's Thanksgiving weekend, and I don't like feeling alone. I knew Matt and Rob would be sitting with their respective love interests and I just wanted to be invisible. I almost asked my roomate if I could go to church with her this morning, I almost stopped and spent the morning reading my bible in Starbucks. After pulling in the parking lot and turning my car off I said, " I don't want to be here Lord" out loud then got out and went into Sunday school.
It was good, eventhough alot of times I resent having to go to the college Sunday school class and there are times that I don't listen out of pure rebellion, this morning Dave talked about covetousness. Coveting is the insatiable desire for what someone else has and it is rooted in a heart that doesn't believe that God has provided for them exactly what they need for that moment in time. I was convicted and comforted.
I was planning to sit in the back of the sanctuary so no one would notice me but as I began to walk toward the sanctuary I ran into Ms. Nell Whitehead. She's one of the older women in our church. We started talking and I ended up sitting with her. She introduced me to alot of the older people in the congregation. It was different and nice. I've been so blind, I don't have to be alone. There are plenty of people to love I just need the Lord to open my eyes and my heart. Lord give we a heart of joy and gratitude- anything I enjoy today that is better than the fires of hell is an act of your grace and mercy.

The City of Brotherly Love

Philadelphia. Last weekend Amanda and I descended on that great northern city and were met with the incredible hospitality of Gene and Laura Twilley. I came into the weekend tired, sleep deprived, and not really knowing what to expect but it was so fun! I left behind two unfinished drawings that are both being turned in late, and lots of work that I needed to do but it was so worth it. We ate pretzels made by a fine Amish-man (Amanda was really attracted to him), we saw the Liberty Bell, ate fresh pasta from the Italian district, ran a half-marathon we didn't really train for, talked to some really cute northern guys on the subway, and I managed to lose my purse in downtown Philly and find it again. It was quite an adventure. It made me want to move to a big city but it also brought me face to face with the realization that life doesn't magically get better if you move to a new town. I mean I moved out to Montevallo two and a half years ago and I didn't know anyone really well. I kind of wanted a fresh start, and I got one, but the crap I struggled with before I came here is the same crap I'm having to deal with now. Moving just magnified the fact that many of my problems are caused by the sin inside of my own heart and not my circumstances, I've just managed to recreate the unhealthy situations I ran away from. I long for change but I think the change I really want is the kind of inner heart change only God can do. I want a heart that's open to give and receive love from God and other people. I think you can be just as lonely in a big exciting city as you can be in a small town. I don't care where I live as long as I live where love is.

Thanksgiving

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?
(Psa 77:11-13)

Things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:
1. A full belly and the $75 in my checking account
2. That God allowed me to find my purse when I lost it last week in downtown Philly
3. Chai tea lattes, pumpkin flavored anything and banana chips
4. That Jesus died to save screwups and sinners like me
5. My imperfect but perfectly lovable family- Mom, Dad, Jason & Chaunene
6. Good Music: Tired of My Tears- Susan Tedeschi (check it out)
7. The rain that the Lord sent last night (we really need it here in GA)
8. Where I am in life- working for Campus Outreach in Montevallo, single
9. The fact that I won't always be here
10. The promise that, " He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also along with Him graciously give us all things." (God promises to provide, why am I always so scared?)
11. The hope of a better world and a God that longs to employ me in His work of redemption
12. My mom's potato salad
13. Old Friends who love and understand me- Kathryn, Sara, Angel & Nick, Anna & BJ
14. Anna & BJ's baby that we'll all get to meet in a few months
15. The uncertainty and confusion that drive me to trust in Jesus

Labor of Love

I'm more tired tonight then I've been in a long time. I think I've just being going going going and its finally catching up with me. So I'm in my pj's laying on the blue couch, in my quiet apartment, listening to the newest Sandra McCracken cd- Gravity Love, which is pretty good; and writing. There's been quite alot going on in my life and my heart lately. This semester has been maybe the best one I've ever had on campus which is just so ironic. I'm more confused than I've ever been in my whole life and I think that the Lord is humbling me in that way. Last night I had a bunch of girls over at my house and we got into a really good discussion about true Christianity. This verse took on a whole new meaning for me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
(2Co 12:9)

Alot of the girls have been coming to me lately and confessing that they're struggling with lust and sexual immorality, so a group of us took a day to fast and pray, then we had a time of confession and discussion before we broke the fast. It was amazing. We see eachother everyday and we seem to have it all together but the dark struggles that we admitted to proved that we are nowhere close to having this whole loving God thing down. There was so much freedom in the air. The world and the church (mostly the men in these places) tell women that they don't struggle with things like lust and all the actions that flow from it, and we don't correct them. So most women are alone in their sin feeling like freaks, and unable to ask for help. It all boils down to saving face. That's what the world is all about, appearance & reputation. When the church is a hospital for the sick and not a social club for cleanly washed and pressed, it is then that the gospel will truly have an impact. What makes God look great? I think it's the fact that He loves and died for a bunch of girls who struggle with addictions to sexual fantasies, masturbation, sleeping with their boyfriends, and obsessing over getting a boyfriend and getting married.

One mark of true Christianity, the freedom to be honest about who you really are and being free from having to save face. We are all addicts, like alcoholics or druggies, the Lord is weaning us from the things we look to for love, intimacy and comfort and it feels like He's killing us but in reality He's saving us from certain destruction. We almost look down at people in rehab clinics and think that they've really got problems but I think that until we see ourselves in their faces there will be no freedom and no real love for Jesus and what He has done for us. What do you need Him for if you're really not THAT bad, or at least you're not as bad as THAT person. Quit trying to justify it and look it in the face, call it what it is whether its an addiction to sexual immorality, gluttony, pride, apathy, approval, comparison, escapism, dark thoughts of unbelief...you pick your poison. Whatever it is its your standard coping mechanism in this fallen world and Jesus is standing there like a greived husband begging you to give up your lover and come home to Him. One of the girls brought up this verse last night:

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.
(Luk 12:2-3)

She said that it scared her but how beautiful will be the day when we can shout aloud the darkness of our sin to show the greatness of our Savior. What kind of love is this?

“He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their…service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final break through to fellowship does not occur, because though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among them. So we remain alone with our sin, living lies and hypocrisy. The fact is we are sinners. But it is the grace of the Gospel, which is so hard for the pious to understand, that it confronts us with the truth and says: You are a sinner, a great desperate sinner; now come as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you…He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. God has come to save the sinner.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

My Stupid Mouth

Herein lies the problem...My mouth. Thursday in the Caf I made a promise, I said that if the girl's soccer team won their first game at the GSC conference I'd come down to Pensacola and watch them play at 11am on Sunday. Joey text messaged me last night to let me know that they won which means...I'm on my way tommorrow morning. Am I glad? Yes and no. I'm excited that they won and that they're going to be in the championship but I just don't want to go. I want to go to church and sleep tommorrow. I've been running around all week and weekend and I feel so far from the Lord. Tommorrow I have to ride down to Pensacola alone all because I can't say no or even just maybe.

“…Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats; it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way, the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul. Now that cellar is out of reach of my conscious will. I can, to some extent control my acts: I have no direct control over my temperament (emotions). And if what we are matters even more than what we do—then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, voluntary efforts cannot bring about. And that applies to my good actions too…I cannot, by direct moral effort, give myself new motives. After the first few steps of the Christian life we realize that everything which needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God…and in reality, it is God who does everything. We, at most, allow it to be done to us.” C S Lewis, Mere Christianity.

Broken

Everything is broken. I try to pick up the pieces and make it ok but things just keep falling apart. I desperately try to cover it up and He keeps throwing back the covers and leaving me naked. I keep coming face to face with the ugliness of my own heart and I don't know how to fix it. Life seems like a never ending struggle, and most of the struggling I do is with myself. I've been pretty angry, mostly because I can't have what I want when I want it. I say I love Him, I say He's enough, I say I'm surrendered but why am I still standing with a floor length Christmas list of desires. A couple of months ago I finally got honest with the Lord and started asking for the thing that I long for most in life. It just dawned on me tonight that that request should have been for more of Him, but I'm not there yet. I think He is tearing away every false security and idol from my heart. He's luring me into the wilderness but not alone. And I find myself lonely and screaming and stomping and refusing to let Him hold me but I just don't know if I know how to lay in His arms.



Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
- John Donne

Whom have I in heaven but You, and earth has nothing I desire but You. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.(Psalm 73:25-26) Lord work this down into my heart!

It's 5:30am and I just got in bed. There's busy and there's just plain stupid. I don't know when my schedule has been this jam packed . Last night I didn't go to bed until 6am. My drawing class and starting this week, my Holistic ministry course are sucking up my time. Juggling all this school work with a job that has an out of control schedule is a little more challenging than I expected. Thankfully I haven't had a meltdown yet but I have become addicted to banana chips (I love the crunchy goodness). There's got to be a way to live a more simple life. What do people who don't work all the time do? I'm fading fast....good night- or morning, I can't tell the difference anymore.

Swimming in It

...the sea of uncertainty that is. There's so much going on in my heart and my mind right now. I'm thinking about leaving my job and going to art school. I think I want to be an art professor. Should I stay or should I go? You'd think that'd be an easy decision to make but its so much deeper. Ya see... I signed this contract that said I'd stay on staff until August 2009 unless I got married or I felt the direct leading of the Lord elsewhere. I don't want to go unless it really is God leading me to and not my own selfish desires because I'm the only staff girl here. My time on staff has been hard, killer hard but at the same time its been sweet because Jesus is all I've had to cling to.
I was reading Genesis 15 this weekend, its about God's covenant with Abram. Abram is this old childless man who God promised to give land and offspring as numberous as the stars to. He believes what God says and its credited to him as righteousness. I imagine Abram the nomad, longing for a country he could call home and a son and heir and then I think of myself. I feel like all I have right now are my longings I long to pursue art, I long to be married, I long for closeness with friends. I know these longings aren't wrong but I have received no promise concerning any of these things. S o I asked God to give me a promise to claim and this is what He gave me:

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind. Therefore I am terrified at his presence; when I consider, I am in dread of him.
(Job 23:10-15)

He will complete what He appoints for me and many such things are in his mind! The fight is to believe that God loves me and is doing what's best for me even in this. I'm really learning what it means to wait on the Lord in full dependence.

Confessional

I'm officially stuck in the 90's. This morning before I went to church I downloaded this Dave Matthews song from his solo album Little Devil the song is called- Stay or Leave. Its beautiful. I love his music. I know I shouldn't because its not hip but I've gotta admit that I'm still a closet DMB fan. There's just something earthy and mystical about his music. I have another prototypical 90's habit. I only buy flare leg jeans. I hope they stay in style forever. Because I've been buying them since middleschool and I can't seem to convince myself that bootcut or even the new tapered style are going to look as good on me.
Anyways, I was drinking a Peach Pear Smoothie at Eclipse (the finest food establishment in Mo-town) with Alicia last week and they had their satellite radio set on a 90's station. I was transfixed ... well, maybe transported back to 8th grade field trips where we'd sit in the back of the bus and trade cd's, and spend hours talking about and listening to Bush, Smashing Pumpkins, Tori Amos, the Cranberries, Stone Temple Pilots, U2, Nirvana, Duran Duran, and the Cure. Music meant so much to us back then. Formative years and formative friends. i miss them.

It's Saturday night and I'm back on the blue couch in my black fleece pants. I'm a little sick, I've got a head cold. My roommate Erin and I just got back from seeing The Nanny Diaries in our pj's, with lots of candy in our purses. Its been a good night. I've been thinking alot about friendship today and how real friendship is hard to find and hard to give at the same time. In our culture it seems like for the most part your friends become your family. Especially if you're single and living away from home. But this poses somewhat of a problem- familial relationships are pretty stable because you're related and you can't change that. Friends are the people who you choose to let into your life. By their very nature friendships are more noncommittal and unstable, and because of this they can often be pretty competitive.
I've seen myself put up walls with different women because I felt like if I really let them in they were going to jeopardize my standing in my perceived "friend family" (Matt and Rob). I was scared that they were just using me to get to the guys (and some of them may have been doing that). But its intimidating when the friends you love and value think another girl is more fun or engaging than you are.
I really think this kind of thing is what keeps women from having really close relationships with each other. We're scared. We're scared that if we let a beautiful, intelligent, lively new friend into our circle she'll get more attention than us, and that the boys we like will like her more than they like us. But I'm seeing that this mentality, this way of operating is toxic and it only pushes people away and leaves us alone. We demand a kind of friendship that we can control. We put up walls and are careful about who we introduce them to. Its selfish. We're playing god. Its arrogant to think that I can control who is friends with who, and what people think about eachother. If God wants two people to be together I will not be able to stand in His way.
I think we just have a tendency to use eachother- what can this person help me do? who can i meet through this person? how does this person make me look? We think of everything but the other person. Lord help me to repent, change my heart.

Poem: "Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man" by Alice N. Persons, from Don't Be A Stranger.

Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man

you bring me all the things I order
are never in a bad mood
always have a jaunty wave as you drive away
look good in your brown shorts
we have an ideal uncomplicated relationship
you're like a cute boyfriend with great legs
who always brings the perfect present
(why, it's just what I've always wanted!)
and then is considerate enough to go away
oh, UPS Man, let's hop in your clean brown truck and elope !
ditch your job, I'll ditch mine
let's hit the road for Brownsville
and tempt each other
with all the luscious brown foods —
roast beef, dark chocolate,
brownies, Guinness, homemade pumpernickel, molasses cookies
I 'll make you my mama's bourbon pecan pie
we'll give all the packages to kind looking strangers
live in a cozy wood cabin
with a brown dog or two
and a black and brown tabby
I'm serious, UPS Man. Let's do it.
Where do I sign?

Tonight Tonight

I just got back from our 1st official CO function of the year. We had a party at Matt and Rob's. It was amazing. I got to see the Alpha Gamma Delta ladies- Jessica (who over the summer has decided to go by Jessica-Lauren), Amy (who refuses to eat fruits and vegetables), Amber (who doesn't know what to think about God), and Alica and Laura (who I love). It was so good for my soul. We laughed ridiculously loud, introduced ourselves to every freshman at the party, and did nerdy dances that people usually do in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

I've been wrestling with alot of uncertainty lately and tonight I just did not feel the pressure to do anything but have fun and love people. I think I had more fun tonight than I've had in teo years. Freedom. I met this hilarious freshman boy (who is 18 by the way) who flirted with me and told me that I was pretty until he asked me what year I was and I told him I was 25 years old and that I work with Campus Outreach. You should have seen his face. Flirting with near-minors should be illegal (it probably is in most states but this is Alabama). I really gotta be careful.

SALUTATION
O generation of the thoroughly smug
and thoroughly uncomfortable,
I have seen fishermen picnicking in the sun,
I have seen them with untidy families,
I have seen their smiles full of teeth
and heard ungainly laughter.
And I am happier than you are,
And they were happier than I am;
And the fish swim in the lake
and do not even own clothing.
Ezra Pound

I'm back in Montevallo for good. My dad and mom came and helped us move into our fun new apartment on Friday and despite all the boxes and piles of things I need to throw away its already beginning to feel like home, which is really comforting.

Lately I've had more questions about life than answers. Why am I doing this? What's next? How can I figure out what the Lord wants me to do? But last night I went to see the girl's soccer team play an exhibition game at Montevallo and it was the first time I've been able to see Hooper, Joey, Luda, Stacey, Corey, and Cath since I've been back. It was so good. I love them! I want them to know Jesus but I don't know what to do but beg Jesus to work in their hearts.

I get overwhelmed really easily and with all the girls moving in this week, when I still need to finish up semester plans, raise support, and organize the apartment- I feel a little anxious. I don't know if I have anything to give, and people's expectations scare me. When you're a staff girl people, especially students, tend to look at you like some kind of spiritual guru. "If I can just meet with Renee, she can help me with this." When the truth is that I'm probably more confused than they are and the same storehouse of wisdom that lives in me, lives in them because that storehouse is Christ. I cannot be all things to all women, when I try my life an my mind fall apart but I can point them to the One who can be that for them.

I'm seeing just how little Iam impacted by Jesus, and how much of my ministry flows from my own strength, wisdom, and efforts instead of the power of the Holy Spirit. Things have to change and He's going to have to do the changing.

There's a communion wafer moon
Dissolving on the blue tongue of the sky

Sometimes the whole world is nothing
So much
As an altar inviting us
To kneel

- Linford Detweiler

Once

I saw a good movie today. Its called Once. Its about 2 ordinary musicians who meet and its magic. The music in this movie is amazing, if you like indie acoustic stuff you'll love this. Its not a traditional love story but its really beautiful. I was surprised at how much I liked it. I don't want to give anything away but I just loved how real the characters were. They really captured the awkwardness, hesitancy, and imperfection that come along with love. Anyways, go see it.