Fighting that midsemester apathy

Well, tonight I'm sitting on the comfy green couch in my living room and having a rather good time laughing and joking around with my roomies.Our dog Lou is even on her best behavior tonight, she's fast asleep in doggie dreamland. Ginny and Alisa just helped me cut about 40 recipes out of old issues of Cooking Light. I'm determined to become more domestic, heck by the end of the year I'll be a regular gourmet. I love food I never really lose my taste for it. I just wish the same could be said for my relationship with God. I get so frustrated sometimes with myself because it seems like I can't feel Him anymore. I remind myself of truth over and over again but sometimes it just seems stale. Here's the truth people, I screw up about a million times a day. I mean it's my job to share the gospel with students and help them grow into maturity. That all sounds so noble but the truth is I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not all that mature myself. There are so many questions I don't know the answers to, so many problems that I don't know how to solve, and so many girls I haven't figured out how to connect with. Every night I come home with the sneaking suspicion that I haven't done enough and it creeps down into me so deep that I start believing that Jesus is dissapointed with me and I doubt that God can really use me here. I start thinking that God is a pissed off boss that's ready to fire me for misrepresentation. But on the other hand I've never needed Jesus more. Everytime I share the gospel and I'm one of the ones who leaves confused, everytime I'm overwhelmed with helplessness when I hear about the depression and desperation someone is experiencing and I feel shallow when I offer up my Jesus loves you, everytime I see girls who I think will never like me- it drives me into His arms.

On Love and Sweatpants

It's 10:30pm on a Friday night and guess what I'm doing? You guessed it! I'm lying here in bed wearing my warm fleece sweat pants contentedly typing on my laptop. I don't think there's anywhere else I'd rather be. All the roomates are out and about tonight so the house is pretty quiet and I'm loving it. When you work hard all week sometimes it's just nice to be able to bum around the house and be completely silent. In my line of work I have to do alot of talking and listening so it's nice sometimes to not have to do either. Today one of my friends told me that I needed to find a husband. I'm pretty sure that he was joking around as far as the wording of his suggestion goes but it kind of got me thinking. Being a girl is a funny thing. Our role in the whole relationship thing is to be a responder. The boy is interested, he shows interest and begins to pursue us, then and only then is it okay for us to let the cat out of the bag about how we feel. It can be a frustrating place to be, especially for me. I think that I must be the world's worst responder. I went on a blind date a while back with this incredible guy who was simple and witty, he'd just graduated from seminary and wanted to do ministry in China. The date went really well and I could tell that he was at least mildly interested by the way that he looked at me. But at the end of the date before he could do anything I just kind of shook his hand, accidentally denied him a hug and got into the car without really letting him initiate the ending of the date. I'm crazy. About 5 minutes later I realized what I did and there was no way to erase it. I didn't have his phone number and I hadn't even given him the opportunity to ask for mine and I had no way to go back and tell him that I really liked him despite my irrational behavior. Oh well, I've got to believe that God knows what He's doing. I'm convinced it will be a miracle if I get married. I'm not saying that in a negative way. It's just that I'm pretty guarded and cautious, I live in Smallville, Alabama and I'm a crazy black girl that hangs out with alot of white suburbanites. The cards just aren't stacked in my favor but I'm praying for a Boaz. Lord help me to believe that You've got me right where you want me right now and that the most satisfying love I can experience is the love of Christ. Be still my soul.
"Most of the noise in our souls is generated by our attempts to control the uncontrollable. We grasp after the wind. We rage, fear, and finally despair. . . . Be still, my soul. All that is hard now will be forgotten amid love's purest joys. This slight, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Cor. 4:17). Psalm 131 lives with eyes open." (excerpted from chapter four)- David Prowlison (Seeing with New Eyes)