Fear in Drawing, Love, and Life

I almost started crying in drawing class today. My teacher makes us do these quick gesture drawings of our nude model, then turn them around for our whole class to see. You guessed it....Humiliation. My first drawing absolutely sucked, the proportions were all wrong and while I was drawing she came over and started drawing all over it, which is never a good sign. After I turned it around she gave me a mini lecture in front of the class about how fear of failure completely interferes with the drawing process. Prof. Graffeo is such a wise woman. I'm seeing how this principle keeps playing itself out in every area of my life.

I recently started dating this amazing guy and even with him I find myself living in the fear that I'm going to somehow screw it up. Its in my ministry too... Joey saw me in the Caf yesterday and got onto me about not hanging out with her on Friday night like I said that I might. She told me that she feels like she can't count on me anymore, and she's right. Last week we had to turn in our sketch books in my drawing class and there weren't nearly enough drawings in my book. I'm discipling 10 girls and I feel like I'm not giving them enough individual time and attention. I just can't seem to get my life working the way I want it, I feel like a really uncoordinated juggler.

But the truth is...its not my life and I can't make it "work right" no matter how hard I try. I've always felt pretty capable and talented but I think the Lord is teaching me to just trust like a little girl in a storm, clinging to her Daddy's neck.

Its Christmas Eve and I'm right at home in Marietta, GA. Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since I've been here. Its really hard to get around and see all the people who want to be seen in your hometown and fell like you're resting at the same time, but I love my old friends and I suddenly have this new desire to keep in touch with them. It's probably a little premature to write an end of the year blog but I'm going for it. 2007 has been a dang good year! Even my family is making leaps and strides. Tonight I cooked dinner, my mom made dessert and we played Scrabble. It was fun! I think that's my prayer for our family this year, that we'd learn to have fun together and enjoy eachother's company. I think that until we learn to enjoy one another no one else is really going to want to be a part of our family. Don't get me wrong, we don't hate eachother. We can talk and be friendly we're just not really friends. My brother couldn't come home for Christmas again this year because he has to work :(, so its just the four of us Mom, Dad, my sister, and me. We've had a good time so far and I'm praying it'll continue into tommorrow. Anyways...back to the year in review. My word for this year was Discipline and the Lord really did it. From teaching me how to eat healthy to showing me over and over again that I can never be Jesus to people, its been hard and good. Last year at this time Mandii Rowland was talking to me about getting engaged. This Christmas Mandii Erwin told me that she's having a baby!!!! Amazing! Here are my New Year's resolutions:
1.Make a decision about staying on or leaving staff
2.Memorize a passage of scripture
3.Date someone (or at least go out on a date)

That's all I've got right now.

News Flash

My brand new favorite song is Griffin House's Ordinary Day. I'm fully convinced that this guy's been reading my journal. I dig it!

The heart of things...

I didn't want to go to church this morning...and I don't think I would've if I hadn't felt obligated. Its become this extension of my job, where I think people just expect me to be there and have college students with me. I guess I can thank God for obligations. The biggest reason I didn't want to show up this morning was because I knew there wouldn't be many college students there since it's Thanksgiving weekend, and I don't like feeling alone. I knew Matt and Rob would be sitting with their respective love interests and I just wanted to be invisible. I almost asked my roomate if I could go to church with her this morning, I almost stopped and spent the morning reading my bible in Starbucks. After pulling in the parking lot and turning my car off I said, " I don't want to be here Lord" out loud then got out and went into Sunday school.
It was good, eventhough alot of times I resent having to go to the college Sunday school class and there are times that I don't listen out of pure rebellion, this morning Dave talked about covetousness. Coveting is the insatiable desire for what someone else has and it is rooted in a heart that doesn't believe that God has provided for them exactly what they need for that moment in time. I was convicted and comforted.
I was planning to sit in the back of the sanctuary so no one would notice me but as I began to walk toward the sanctuary I ran into Ms. Nell Whitehead. She's one of the older women in our church. We started talking and I ended up sitting with her. She introduced me to alot of the older people in the congregation. It was different and nice. I've been so blind, I don't have to be alone. There are plenty of people to love I just need the Lord to open my eyes and my heart. Lord give we a heart of joy and gratitude- anything I enjoy today that is better than the fires of hell is an act of your grace and mercy.

The City of Brotherly Love

Philadelphia. Last weekend Amanda and I descended on that great northern city and were met with the incredible hospitality of Gene and Laura Twilley. I came into the weekend tired, sleep deprived, and not really knowing what to expect but it was so fun! I left behind two unfinished drawings that are both being turned in late, and lots of work that I needed to do but it was so worth it. We ate pretzels made by a fine Amish-man (Amanda was really attracted to him), we saw the Liberty Bell, ate fresh pasta from the Italian district, ran a half-marathon we didn't really train for, talked to some really cute northern guys on the subway, and I managed to lose my purse in downtown Philly and find it again. It was quite an adventure. It made me want to move to a big city but it also brought me face to face with the realization that life doesn't magically get better if you move to a new town. I mean I moved out to Montevallo two and a half years ago and I didn't know anyone really well. I kind of wanted a fresh start, and I got one, but the crap I struggled with before I came here is the same crap I'm having to deal with now. Moving just magnified the fact that many of my problems are caused by the sin inside of my own heart and not my circumstances, I've just managed to recreate the unhealthy situations I ran away from. I long for change but I think the change I really want is the kind of inner heart change only God can do. I want a heart that's open to give and receive love from God and other people. I think you can be just as lonely in a big exciting city as you can be in a small town. I don't care where I live as long as I live where love is.

Thanksgiving

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?
(Psa 77:11-13)

Things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:
1. A full belly and the $75 in my checking account
2. That God allowed me to find my purse when I lost it last week in downtown Philly
3. Chai tea lattes, pumpkin flavored anything and banana chips
4. That Jesus died to save screwups and sinners like me
5. My imperfect but perfectly lovable family- Mom, Dad, Jason & Chaunene
6. Good Music: Tired of My Tears- Susan Tedeschi (check it out)
7. The rain that the Lord sent last night (we really need it here in GA)
8. Where I am in life- working for Campus Outreach in Montevallo, single
9. The fact that I won't always be here
10. The promise that, " He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also along with Him graciously give us all things." (God promises to provide, why am I always so scared?)
11. The hope of a better world and a God that longs to employ me in His work of redemption
12. My mom's potato salad
13. Old Friends who love and understand me- Kathryn, Sara, Angel & Nick, Anna & BJ
14. Anna & BJ's baby that we'll all get to meet in a few months
15. The uncertainty and confusion that drive me to trust in Jesus

Labor of Love

I'm more tired tonight then I've been in a long time. I think I've just being going going going and its finally catching up with me. So I'm in my pj's laying on the blue couch, in my quiet apartment, listening to the newest Sandra McCracken cd- Gravity Love, which is pretty good; and writing. There's been quite alot going on in my life and my heart lately. This semester has been maybe the best one I've ever had on campus which is just so ironic. I'm more confused than I've ever been in my whole life and I think that the Lord is humbling me in that way. Last night I had a bunch of girls over at my house and we got into a really good discussion about true Christianity. This verse took on a whole new meaning for me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
(2Co 12:9)

Alot of the girls have been coming to me lately and confessing that they're struggling with lust and sexual immorality, so a group of us took a day to fast and pray, then we had a time of confession and discussion before we broke the fast. It was amazing. We see eachother everyday and we seem to have it all together but the dark struggles that we admitted to proved that we are nowhere close to having this whole loving God thing down. There was so much freedom in the air. The world and the church (mostly the men in these places) tell women that they don't struggle with things like lust and all the actions that flow from it, and we don't correct them. So most women are alone in their sin feeling like freaks, and unable to ask for help. It all boils down to saving face. That's what the world is all about, appearance & reputation. When the church is a hospital for the sick and not a social club for cleanly washed and pressed, it is then that the gospel will truly have an impact. What makes God look great? I think it's the fact that He loves and died for a bunch of girls who struggle with addictions to sexual fantasies, masturbation, sleeping with their boyfriends, and obsessing over getting a boyfriend and getting married.

One mark of true Christianity, the freedom to be honest about who you really are and being free from having to save face. We are all addicts, like alcoholics or druggies, the Lord is weaning us from the things we look to for love, intimacy and comfort and it feels like He's killing us but in reality He's saving us from certain destruction. We almost look down at people in rehab clinics and think that they've really got problems but I think that until we see ourselves in their faces there will be no freedom and no real love for Jesus and what He has done for us. What do you need Him for if you're really not THAT bad, or at least you're not as bad as THAT person. Quit trying to justify it and look it in the face, call it what it is whether its an addiction to sexual immorality, gluttony, pride, apathy, approval, comparison, escapism, dark thoughts of unbelief...you pick your poison. Whatever it is its your standard coping mechanism in this fallen world and Jesus is standing there like a greived husband begging you to give up your lover and come home to Him. One of the girls brought up this verse last night:

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.
(Luk 12:2-3)

She said that it scared her but how beautiful will be the day when we can shout aloud the darkness of our sin to show the greatness of our Savior. What kind of love is this?

“He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their…service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final break through to fellowship does not occur, because though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among them. So we remain alone with our sin, living lies and hypocrisy. The fact is we are sinners. But it is the grace of the Gospel, which is so hard for the pious to understand, that it confronts us with the truth and says: You are a sinner, a great desperate sinner; now come as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you…He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. God has come to save the sinner.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together