Meager Words

Fear in Drawing, Love, and Life

2008-02-26T11:58:00.000-08:00

I almost started crying in drawing class today. My teacher makes us do these quick gesture drawings of our nude model, then turn them around for our whole class to see. You guessed it....Humiliation. My first drawing absolutely sucked, the proportions were all wrong and while I was drawing she came over and started drawing all over it, which is never a good sign. After I turned it around she gave me a mini lecture in front of the class about how fear of failure completely interferes with the drawing process. Prof. Graffeo is such a wise woman. I'm seeing how this principle keeps playing itself out in every area of my life.

I recently started dating this amazing guy and even with him I find myself living in the fear that I'm going to somehow screw it up. Its in my ministry too... Joey saw me in the Caf yesterday and got onto me about not hanging out with her on Friday night like I said that I might. She told me that she feels like she can't count on me anymore, and she's right. Last week we had to turn in our sketch books in my drawing class and there weren't nearly enough drawings in my book. I'm discipling 10 girls and I feel like I'm not giving them enough individual time and attention. I just can't seem to get my life working the way I want it, I feel like a really uncoordinated juggler.

But the truth is...its not my life and I can't make it "work right" no matter how hard I try. I've always felt pretty capable and talented but I think the Lord is teaching me to just trust like a little girl in a storm, clinging to her Daddy's neck.

2007-12-24T20:29:00.000-08:00

Its Christmas Eve and I'm right at home in Marietta, GA. Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since I've been here. Its really hard to get around and see all the people who want to be seen in your hometown and fell like you're resting at the same time, but I love my old friends and I suddenly have this new desire to keep in touch with them. It's probably a little premature to write an end of the year blog but I'm going for it. 2007 has been a dang good year! Even my family is making leaps and strides. Tonight I cooked dinner, my mom made dessert and we played Scrabble. It was fun! I think that's my prayer for our family this year, that we'd learn to have fun together and enjoy eachother's company. I think that until we learn to enjoy one another no one else is really going to want to be a part of our family. Don't get me wrong, we don't hate eachother. We can talk and be friendly we're just not really friends. My brother couldn't come home for Christmas again this year because he has to work :(, so its just the four of us Mom, Dad, my sister, and me. We've had a good time so far and I'm praying it'll continue into tommorrow. Anyways...back to the year in review. My word for this year was Discipline and the Lord really did it. From teaching me how to eat healthy to showing me over and over again that I can never be Jesus to people, its been hard and good. Last year at this time Mandii Rowland was talking to me about getting engaged. This Christmas Mandii Erwin told me that she's having a baby!!!! Amazing! Here are my New Year's resolutions:
1.Make a decision about staying on or leaving staff
2.Memorize a passage of scripture
3.Date someone (or at least go out on a date)

That's all I've got right now.

News Flash

2007-11-30T00:43:00.001-08:00

My brand new favorite song is Griffin House's Ordinary Day. I'm fully convinced that this guy's been reading my journal. I dig it!

The heart of things...

2007-11-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

I didn't want to go to church this morning...and I don't think I would've if I hadn't felt obligated. Its become this extension of my job, where I think people just expect me to be there and have college students with me. I guess I can thank God for obligations. The biggest reason I didn't want to show up this morning was because I knew there wouldn't be many college students there since it's Thanksgiving weekend, and I don't like feeling alone. I knew Matt and Rob would be sitting with their respective love interests and I just wanted to be invisible. I almost asked my roomate if I could go to church with her this morning, I almost stopped and spent the morning reading my bible in Starbucks. After pulling in the parking lot and turning my car off I said, " I don't want to be here Lord" out loud then got out and went into Sunday school.
It was good, eventhough alot of times I resent having to go to the college Sunday school class and there are times that I don't listen out of pure rebellion, this morning Dave talked about covetousness. Coveting is the insatiable desire for what someone else has and it is rooted in a heart that doesn't believe that God has provided for them exactly what they need for that moment in time. I was convicted and comforted.
I was planning to sit in the back of the sanctuary so no one would notice me but as I began to walk toward the sanctuary I ran into Ms. Nell Whitehead. She's one of the older women in our church. We started talking and I ended up sitting with her. She introduced me to alot of the older people in the congregation. It was different and nice. I've been so blind, I don't have to be alone. There are plenty of people to love I just need the Lord to open my eyes and my heart. Lord give we a heart of joy and gratitude- anything I enjoy today that is better than the fires of hell is an act of your grace and mercy.

The City of Brotherly Love

2007-11-23T07:28:00.000-08:00

Philadelphia. Last weekend Amanda and I descended on that great northern city and were met with the incredible hospitality of Gene and Laura Twilley. I came into the weekend tired, sleep deprived, and not really knowing what to expect but it was so fun! I left behind two unfinished drawings that are both being turned in late, and lots of work that I needed to do but it was so worth it. We ate pretzels made by a fine Amish-man (Amanda was really attracted to him), we saw the Liberty Bell, ate fresh pasta from the Italian district, ran a half-marathon we didn't really train for, talked to some really cute northern guys on the subway, and I managed to lose my purse in downtown Philly and find it again. It was quite an adventure. It made me want to move to a big city but it also brought me face to face with the realization that life doesn't magically get better if you move to a new town. I mean I moved out to Montevallo two and a half years ago and I didn't know anyone really well. I kind of wanted a fresh start, and I got one, but the crap I struggled with before I came here is the same crap I'm having to deal with now. Moving just magnified the fact that many of my problems are caused by the sin inside of my own heart and not my circumstances, I've just managed to recreate the unhealthy situations I ran away from. I long for change but I think the change I really want is the kind of inner heart change only God can do. I want a heart that's open to give and receive love from God and other people. I think you can be just as lonely in a big exciting city as you can be in a small town. I don't care where I live as long as I live where love is.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T13:26:00.000-08:00

I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God?
(Psa 77:11-13)

Things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving:
1. A full belly and the $75 in my checking account
2. That God allowed me to find my purse when I lost it last week in downtown Philly
3. Chai tea lattes, pumpkin flavored anything and banana chips
4. That Jesus died to save screwups and sinners like me
5. My imperfect but perfectly lovable family- Mom, Dad, Jason & Chaunene
6. Good Music: Tired of My Tears- Susan Tedeschi (check it out)
7. The rain that the Lord sent last night (we really need it here in GA)
8. Where I am in life- working for Campus Outreach in Montevallo, single
9. The fact that I won't always be here
10. The promise that, " He who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also along with Him graciously give us all things." (God promises to provide, why am I always so scared?)
11. The hope of a better world and a God that longs to employ me in His work of redemption
12. My mom's potato salad
13. Old Friends who love and understand me- Kathryn, Sara, Angel & Nick, Anna & BJ
14. Anna & BJ's baby that we'll all get to meet in a few months
15. The uncertainty and confusion that drive me to trust in Jesus

Labor of Love

2007-11-10T17:29:00.000-08:00

I'm more tired tonight then I've been in a long time. I think I've just being going going going and its finally catching up with me. So I'm in my pj's laying on the blue couch, in my quiet apartment, listening to the newest Sandra McCracken cd- Gravity Love, which is pretty good; and writing. There's been quite alot going on in my life and my heart lately. This semester has been maybe the best one I've ever had on campus which is just so ironic. I'm more confused than I've ever been in my whole life and I think that the Lord is humbling me in that way. Last night I had a bunch of girls over at my house and we got into a really good discussion about true Christianity. This verse took on a whole new meaning for me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
(2Co 12:9)

Alot of the girls have been coming to me lately and confessing that they're struggling with lust and sexual immorality, so a group of us took a day to fast and pray, then we had a time of confession and discussion before we broke the fast. It was amazing. We see eachother everyday and we seem to have it all together but the dark struggles that we admitted to proved that we are nowhere close to having this whole loving God thing down. There was so much freedom in the air. The world and the church (mostly the men in these places) tell women that they don't struggle with things like lust and all the actions that flow from it, and we don't correct them. So most women are alone in their sin feeling like freaks, and unable to ask for help. It all boils down to saving face. That's what the world is all about, appearance & reputation. When the church is a hospital for the sick and not a social club for cleanly washed and pressed, it is then that the gospel will truly have an impact. What makes God look great? I think it's the fact that He loves and died for a bunch of girls who struggle with addictions to sexual fantasies, masturbation, sleeping with their boyfriends, and obsessing over getting a boyfriend and getting married.

One mark of true Christianity, the freedom to be honest about who you really are and being free from having to save face. We are all addicts, like alcoholics or druggies, the Lord is weaning us from the things we look to for love, intimacy and comfort and it feels like He's killing us but in reality He's saving us from certain destruction. We almost look down at people in rehab clinics and think that they've really got problems but I think that until we see ourselves in their faces there will be no freedom and no real love for Jesus and what He has done for us. What do you need Him for if you're really not THAT bad, or at least you're not as bad as THAT person. Quit trying to justify it and look it in the face, call it what it is whether its an addiction to sexual immorality, gluttony, pride, apathy, approval, comparison, escapism, dark thoughts of unbelief...you pick your poison. Whatever it is its your standard coping mechanism in this fallen world and Jesus is standing there like a greived husband begging you to give up your lover and come home to Him. One of the girls brought up this verse last night:

Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.
(Luk 12:2-3)

She said that it scared her but how beautiful will be the day when we can shout aloud the darkness of our sin to show the greatness of our Savior. What kind of love is this?

“He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their…service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final break through to fellowship does not occur, because though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among them. So we remain alone with our sin, living lies and hypocrisy. The fact is we are sinners. But it is the grace of the Gospel, which is so hard for the pious to understand, that it confronts us with the truth and says: You are a sinner, a great desperate sinner; now come as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you…He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. God has come to save the sinner.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

My Stupid Mouth

2007-11-03T19:09:00.000-07:00

Herein lies the problem...My mouth. Thursday in the Caf I made a promise, I said that if the girl's soccer team won their first game at the GSC conference I'd come down to Pensacola and watch them play at 11am on Sunday. Joey text messaged me last night to let me know that they won which means...I'm on my way tommorrow morning. Am I glad? Yes and no. I'm excited that they won and that they're going to be in the championship but I just don't want to go. I want to go to church and sleep tommorrow. I've been running around all week and weekend and I feel so far from the Lord. Tommorrow I have to ride down to Pensacola alone all because I can't say no or even just maybe.

2007-11-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

“…Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is. Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats; it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way, the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am. The rats are always there in the cellar, but if you go in shouting and noisily they will have taken cover before you switch on the light. Apparently the rats of resentment and vindictiveness are always there in the cellar of my soul. Now that cellar is out of reach of my conscious will. I can, to some extent control my acts: I have no direct control over my temperament (emotions). And if what we are matters even more than what we do—then it follows that the change which I most need to undergo is a change that my own direct, voluntary efforts cannot bring about. And that applies to my good actions too…I cannot, by direct moral effort, give myself new motives. After the first few steps of the Christian life we realize that everything which needs to be done in our souls can be done only by God…and in reality, it is God who does everything. We, at most, allow it to be done to us.” C S Lewis, Mere Christianity.

Broken

2007-10-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

Everything is broken. I try to pick up the pieces and make it ok but things just keep falling apart. I desperately try to cover it up and He keeps throwing back the covers and leaving me naked. I keep coming face to face with the ugliness of my own heart and I don't know how to fix it. Life seems like a never ending struggle, and most of the struggling I do is with myself. I've been pretty angry, mostly because I can't have what I want when I want it. I say I love Him, I say He's enough, I say I'm surrendered but why am I still standing with a floor length Christmas list of desires. A couple of months ago I finally got honest with the Lord and started asking for the thing that I long for most in life. It just dawned on me tonight that that request should have been for more of Him, but I'm not there yet. I think He is tearing away every false security and idol from my heart. He's luring me into the wilderness but not alone. And I find myself lonely and screaming and stomping and refusing to let Him hold me but I just don't know if I know how to lay in His arms.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurpt town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.
- John Donne

Whom have I in heaven but You, and earth has nothing I desire but You. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.(Psalm 73:25-26) Lord work this down into my heart!

2007-10-09T03:33:00.000-07:00

It's 5:30am and I just got in bed. There's busy and there's just plain stupid. I don't know when my schedule has been this jam packed . Last night I didn't go to bed until 6am. My drawing class and starting this week, my Holistic ministry course are sucking up my time. Juggling all this school work with a job that has an out of control schedule is a little more challenging than I expected. Thankfully I haven't had a meltdown yet but I have become addicted to banana chips (I love the crunchy goodness). There's got to be a way to live a more simple life. What do people who don't work all the time do? I'm fading fast....good night- or morning, I can't tell the difference anymore.

Swimming in It

2007-09-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

...the sea of uncertainty that is. There's so much going on in my heart and my mind right now. I'm thinking about leaving my job and going to art school. I think I want to be an art professor. Should I stay or should I go? You'd think that'd be an easy decision to make but its so much deeper. Ya see... I signed this contract that said I'd stay on staff until August 2009 unless I got married or I felt the direct leading of the Lord elsewhere. I don't want to go unless it really is God leading me to and not my own selfish desires because I'm the only staff girl here. My time on staff has been hard, killer hard but at the same time its been sweet because Jesus is all I've had to cling to.
I was reading Genesis 15 this weekend, its about God's covenant with Abram. Abram is this old childless man who God promised to give land and offspring as numberous as the stars to. He believes what God says and its credited to him as righteousness. I imagine Abram the nomad, longing for a country he could call home and a son and heir and then I think of myself. I feel like all I have right now are my longings I long to pursue art, I long to be married, I long for closeness with friends. I know these longings aren't wrong but I have received no promise concerning any of these things. S o I asked God to give me a promise to claim and this is what He gave me:

But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold. My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food. But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind. Therefore I am terrified at his presence; when I consider, I am in dread of him.
(Job 23:10-15)

He will complete what He appoints for me and many such things are in his mind! The fight is to believe that God loves me and is doing what's best for me even in this. I'm really learning what it means to wait on the Lord in full dependence.

Confessional

2007-09-09T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm officially stuck in the 90's. This morning before I went to church I downloaded this Dave Matthews song from his solo album Little Devil the song is called- Stay or Leave. Its beautiful. I love his music. I know I shouldn't because its not hip but I've gotta admit that I'm still a closet DMB fan. There's just something earthy and mystical about his music. I have another prototypical 90's habit. I only buy flare leg jeans. I hope they stay in style forever. Because I've been buying them since middleschool and I can't seem to convince myself that bootcut or even the new tapered style are going to look as good on me.
Anyways, I was drinking a Peach Pear Smoothie at Eclipse (the finest food establishment in Mo-town) with Alicia last week and they had their satellite radio set on a 90's station. I was transfixed ... well, maybe transported back to 8th grade field trips where we'd sit in the back of the bus and trade cd's, and spend hours talking about and listening to Bush, Smashing Pumpkins, Tori Amos, the Cranberries, Stone Temple Pilots, U2, Nirvana, Duran Duran, and the Cure. Music meant so much to us back then. Formative years and formative friends. i miss them.

2007-09-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night and I'm back on the blue couch in my black fleece pants. I'm a little sick, I've got a head cold. My roommate Erin and I just got back from seeing The Nanny Diaries in our pj's, with lots of candy in our purses. Its been a good night. I've been thinking alot about friendship today and how real friendship is hard to find and hard to give at the same time. In our culture it seems like for the most part your friends become your family. Especially if you're single and living away from home. But this poses somewhat of a problem- familial relationships are pretty stable because you're related and you can't change that. Friends are the people who you choose to let into your life. By their very nature friendships are more noncommittal and unstable, and because of this they can often be pretty competitive.
I've seen myself put up walls with different women because I felt like if I really let them in they were going to jeopardize my standing in my perceived "friend family" (Matt and Rob). I was scared that they were just using me to get to the guys (and some of them may have been doing that). But its intimidating when the friends you love and value think another girl is more fun or engaging than you are.
I really think this kind of thing is what keeps women from having really close relationships with each other. We're scared. We're scared that if we let a beautiful, intelligent, lively new friend into our circle she'll get more attention than us, and that the boys we like will like her more than they like us. But I'm seeing that this mentality, this way of operating is toxic and it only pushes people away and leaves us alone. We demand a kind of friendship that we can control. We put up walls and are careful about who we introduce them to. Its selfish. We're playing god. Its arrogant to think that I can control who is friends with who, and what people think about eachother. If God wants two people to be together I will not be able to stand in His way.
I think we just have a tendency to use eachother- what can this person help me do? who can i meet through this person? how does this person make me look? We think of everything but the other person. Lord help me to repent, change my heart.

2007-08-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Poem: "Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man" by Alice N. Persons, from Don't Be A Stranger.

Why I Have A Crush On You, UPS Man

you bring me all the things I order
are never in a bad mood
always have a jaunty wave as you drive away
look good in your brown shorts
we have an ideal uncomplicated relationship
you're like a cute boyfriend with great legs
who always brings the perfect present
(why, it's just what I've always wanted!)
and then is considerate enough to go away
oh, UPS Man, let's hop in your clean brown truck and elope !
ditch your job, I'll ditch mine
let's hit the road for Brownsville
and tempt each other
with all the luscious brown foods —
roast beef, dark chocolate,
brownies, Guinness, homemade pumpernickel, molasses cookies
I 'll make you my mama's bourbon pecan pie
we'll give all the packages to kind looking strangers
live in a cozy wood cabin
with a brown dog or two
and a black and brown tabby
I'm serious, UPS Man. Let's do it.
Where do I sign?

Tonight Tonight

2007-08-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

I just got back from our 1st official CO function of the year. We had a party at Matt and Rob's. It was amazing. I got to see the Alpha Gamma Delta ladies- Jessica (who over the summer has decided to go by Jessica-Lauren), Amy (who refuses to eat fruits and vegetables), Amber (who doesn't know what to think about God), and Alica and Laura (who I love). It was so good for my soul. We laughed ridiculously loud, introduced ourselves to every freshman at the party, and did nerdy dances that people usually do in the privacy of their own bedrooms.

I've been wrestling with alot of uncertainty lately and tonight I just did not feel the pressure to do anything but have fun and love people. I think I had more fun tonight than I've had in teo years. Freedom. I met this hilarious freshman boy (who is 18 by the way) who flirted with me and told me that I was pretty until he asked me what year I was and I told him I was 25 years old and that I work with Campus Outreach. You should have seen his face. Flirting with near-minors should be illegal (it probably is in most states but this is Alabama). I really gotta be careful.

2007-08-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

SALUTATION
O generation of the thoroughly smug
and thoroughly uncomfortable,
I have seen fishermen picnicking in the sun,
I have seen them with untidy families,
I have seen their smiles full of teeth
and heard ungainly laughter.
And I am happier than you are,
And they were happier than I am;
And the fish swim in the lake
and do not even own clothing.
Ezra Pound

2007-08-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Montevallo for good. My dad and mom came and helped us move into our fun new apartment on Friday and despite all the boxes and piles of things I need to throw away its already beginning to feel like home, which is really comforting.

Lately I've had more questions about life than answers. Why am I doing this? What's next? How can I figure out what the Lord wants me to do? But last night I went to see the girl's soccer team play an exhibition game at Montevallo and it was the first time I've been able to see Hooper, Joey, Luda, Stacey, Corey, and Cath since I've been back. It was so good. I love them! I want them to know Jesus but I don't know what to do but beg Jesus to work in their hearts.

I get overwhelmed really easily and with all the girls moving in this week, when I still need to finish up semester plans, raise support, and organize the apartment- I feel a little anxious. I don't know if I have anything to give, and people's expectations scare me. When you're a staff girl people, especially students, tend to look at you like some kind of spiritual guru. "If I can just meet with Renee, she can help me with this." When the truth is that I'm probably more confused than they are and the same storehouse of wisdom that lives in me, lives in them because that storehouse is Christ. I cannot be all things to all women, when I try my life an my mind fall apart but I can point them to the One who can be that for them.

I'm seeing just how little Iam impacted by Jesus, and how much of my ministry flows from my own strength, wisdom, and efforts instead of the power of the Holy Spirit. Things have to change and He's going to have to do the changing.

2007-08-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

There's a communion wafer moon
Dissolving on the blue tongue of the sky

Sometimes the whole world is nothing
So much
As an altar inviting us
To kneel

- Linford Detweiler

Once

2007-07-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

I saw a good movie today. Its called Once. Its about 2 ordinary musicians who meet and its magic. The music in this movie is amazing, if you like indie acoustic stuff you'll love this. Its not a traditional love story but its really beautiful. I was surprised at how much I liked it. I don't want to give anything away but I just loved how real the characters were. They really captured the awkwardness, hesitancy, and imperfection that come along with love. Anyways, go see it.

Hometown Stompdown

2007-07-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

You guessed it I've finally made my way to Marietta, GA. I've got two weeks off so I'm going to definitely spend a week here and I might spend a week in Birmingham too, I'm not sure yet. Yesterday I slept in till noon- I seriously haven't done that for like a year and it felt dang good. I want to rest but I've got so much to do and I'm scared (as usual) that I'm not going to get it all done and I'm going to singlehandedly screw up my own life. Being back home makes me want to be a kid again. My parents are so great about taking care of me. I pulled into the driveway on Saturday night and it was pouring rain outside. The minute I turned my car off my dad opened the garage door and started taking bags out of my car- sweet man. When I got into the house my mom had a million things she wanted to talk to me about and show me. They want me here, I don't have to try - it feels nice. I really want to know my dad better and I don't know how. He's this quiet, hardworking guy who's always been there for me as far as being an incredible provider but emotionally we've never quite connected but I know he loves me... Anyways, the great thing about being a kid was that your parents took care of all the important stuff. As an adult I've got to admit that I struggle with thinking of everything. My work is pretty all-consuming so I suck at keeping up relationships outside of the students I hang with in Montevallo, I'm not good at raising support, or making sure all my ducks are in a row as far as insurance, oil changes, doctor's appointments. I feel like I'm always running to stay on top of things at the last minute. Life is trial and error right? Oh my gosh, my sweet friend Kat is randomly home from her life in Nashville this week too! I'm so excited - I love her!!!!!

2007-07-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

Its been a crazy summer. It climaxed for me last Thursday night as I found myself alone and crying uncontrollably (the silent kind, thankfully) in Panera Bread. You know you're a homeless gypsy when the only place you feel comfortable enough to cry in is the couch of a public eatery. What can I say- the world is my living room. Anyways, we've been studying the book of Mark the whole summer and its been really good for me. I 've been looking at the life of Christ and feeling really bad about myself. Jesus pushes through the pain and hangs out with people even when He's tired, He manages to go to bed late and get up at the butt-crack of dawn to spend time with God, He always knows what to say and how to say it. I've been trying to follow His example for so long but a couple of days ago as I was reading Mark I felt like I heard God say, (not audibly of course) " Renee, you're not Jesus, you NEED Jesus." Wow! I know that's pretty elementary but I've been living like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. If I don't save the world, its not going to get done. I sit down to pray and I almost don't want to because there are so many people that I know who need prayer. I feel guilty because I can't seem to be best friends with every girl on Beach Project. I keep racking my brain trying to fix people, and Jesus keeps saying, "Renee- just love me, just follow me and I'll do what needs to get done through you." I'm living like I have to make myself perfect and I can't do it anymore. Hallelujah!

Back in the Saddle

2007-06-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

It's my sixth summer. The sixth summer I've used this season of the year to either come down to Summer Beach Project, or go overseas with Campus Outreach. My perspective is so different than it has ever been. I just don't feel like I have anything to prove to anyone this time around. I really just want to love people and work for Jesus alone this summer. But at the same time I feel absolutely exhausted. I'm learning so much... For a long time I've just been going back and forth about staying on staff with Campus Outreach. I don't enjoy raising support, I don't enjoy feeling inadequate, but I have learned more about the Lord and more about myself and my own insecurities than I would've anywhere else. I love the girls God has brought into my life and I love how Jesus is stretching me here and forcing me to trust Him. Things are not perfect! But nothing is and I want to be a part of the solution. I figure I can criticize and give up or I can commit myself to doing all I can to make it better. I keep thinking about how this is really training me to persevere in my marriage (if that's what the Lord has for me). When you make a commitment and say for better or for worse you don't give up. When things get hard you just keep saying - I'm not giving up on you, no matter how much you hurt me. I am committed to loving you and keeping my heart soft toward you. So I've decided to stick it out and honor my contract. I'll be in Montevallo till August 2009 baby! But I think this year I'm going to take an art class at UM, and I also signed up for this really interesting Holistic Ministry class at Red Mountain- getting out and about you know.

Alien and Stranger

2007-05-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

I'm a traveling gypsy. I leave next week for Egypt, when I get back I'll pack up all my belongings, move them out of the Dirty White House and into storage, then head down to Destin, Florida for the summer. Admittedly I'm a bit uneasy, because we haven't secured a place to live for the fall yet but the Lord will provide.
Today was graduation here at UM. Two of my roomates (Erin & Alisa) graduated, so I went to see them walk and I really enjoyed it. Mandii, Camilla, Carl, Janell, and Marcus graduated too so I'm glad that I went. Its been 3 years since I graduated from college. That is insane to me! I remember that right out of college feeling, the excitement and uncertainty, the lack of clear direction, the grasping for something concrete- a job, a place to live- just some kind of security. I'm not so sure I've left that place. I'm still out here in uncharted territory, the only difference is that I've made my peace with not knowing, and taking things a day at a time. Its crazy just yesterday I was having breakfast with my roomates- laughing and playing around. Tonight, two of them are gone and the whole dynamic in our house has changed literally overnight. Life is change.
Just about every minute of the day there's a deep desire in my heart to love and be loved. I think that's why I go in and out of periods of struggling with singleness. I've been seeing lately that in lots of circumstances I reject love in my life if its not in the form I want to receive it. But tonight it was just so good- we had a big graduation party at the house and I just felt the love coming off of everybody. And I started thinking about that line from some old Dave Matthews Band song, "What I want is what I've not got but what I need is all around me." My life is so full if I have eyes to see it. Right now there is nothing stable to rest my feet on but Jesus Christ, and I can't help thinking that right now that's exactly how He wants it to be.

2007-04-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

"In hope he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, "So shall your offspring be." He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah's womb. No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what He had promised. That is why his faith was counted to him as righteousness."

Things feel crazy and uncertain to me right now but the essence of faith is believing in the promise of God despite the impossibility of the circumstance. God is the God of the impossible. He longs to make a roadway in the wilderness and streams in the desert for those who trust Him.

egypt

2007-04-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I decided that I'm going to Egypt in May. I'm very well aware that my entire last post was mostly about how I absolutely was not going but I'm going. It's kinda crazy, one of my friends is leading the trip and I told him no five times but he wouldn't take no for an answer. We had three massive conversations about faith and unbelief and I ended up deciding to go. I'm excited but of course I'm scared too.

This whole crazy situation has taught me so much:

1. I don't believe God will provide for me - the biggest reason I had ruled Egypt out was because it requires me to have to raise support. I hate raising support so much because I don't trust God.

2. I don't know how to just be friends with guys- another big reason I didn't want to go is because there are a few attractive guys going and I hate getting caught up in one-sided love so...its just easier to just hang with girls. My mindset has been - you're my boyfriend or you're nothing, and as a result I've fallen into putting the "husband hat" (as a good friend of mine would say) on every attractive guy I meet. I come looking to see what I can get instead of coming to see what I can give. When intead I need to be committed to loving my brothers in Christ without looking for some kind of payback.

This is simple stuff but it has been pretty revolutionary for me in the past few weeks. And its been cool because I've had to confess alot of sin lately and I've felt so much love from the body of Christ. Thank God for brothers and sisters who are not afraid to push me.

I'm excited about going to Egypt because:
1. pyramids
2. I'm not in charge of the trip or responsible for anything or anyone
3. meeting Egyptians and finding out what their culture is like

On Hearing the Voice of God

2007-03-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time but tonight I'm so in the mood to write that my thoughts are flying faster than my fingers and all this, this expression might not make any sense at all. So much has been going on in my heart and mind the past couple of months and I just want to say it all.

I've been reading this book about a woman's role in the family and society and its really challenged me. I mean its got me asking whether or not women should be in full-time ministry. But I think the biggest thing its showed me is that I am really easily swayed by the opinions and interpretations of man.

Two of my friends have been trying to talk me into going to Egypt for 10 days in the month of May. On Tuesday I said I was 90% yes, but I've been praying about it and there is just no desire in my heart to go. I do want Muslim people to know Christ but I'm not convinced that this is the right time for me to. I heard about the trip a long time ago and never had the desire to go. I just started wanting to go because other people wanted me there. That's not God moving in my heart, and leading me to go.

It is not an easy thing to hear the voice of God. I believe that He can speak to us through other people and through His Word but honestly I'm not sure I know how to pray and wait to hear an answer from the Lord. I usually just get impatient and make a decision. I feel like I use books and other people to form black and white laws for myself so I can avoid having to wait on the Lord. My prayer is usually, Lord this is my decision, if you don't want me to do it You better stop me. But what if my heart said, Lord I'm not moving from here until you tell me to move. I will do nothing unless I know its what You have for me today.

Ok, maybe I'm being a little extreme. I mean I'm going to get up and go to work because I know its what the Lord wants me to do but what about the stuff in the grey, the stuff that could be good but may not be best. Egypt could be great because I'd learn about a new culture, get to love and share with people, and form friendships with people my age. It might not be best because of the money, and the timing. I have to move and a couple of days after we get back I've got to be in a wedding.

It just hard for me to say no when people really want me to go. I prayed specifically for something (that will remain nameless) to happen if the Lord wanted me to go and it didn't happen. I don't think my desire to go is really strong enough... I dunno I feel like I can easily fill my life up with good things but I want to do the best things.

My new year's day

2007-02-08T09:11:00.000-08:00

I'm 25 years old today! I slept till 10:30am, I'm currently jamming out to Jump (Between the Dawn and the Dusk). I'm seriously considering going out to lunch instead of going to the Caf. I made a doctor's appointment for today as my present to myself. I can't wait to party this weekend. It's gonna be a good day!

Being where I am

2007-01-21T15:47:00.000-08:00

Its been a while. I've been really busy lately and I haven't had alot to say. We had a staff training meeting in Carrolton, GA yesterday and today, so I decided to stay with my parents this weekend. I mean I can't come to Georgia and not see them. The meeting was really challenging. We talked about vision and evangelism and living radically for Christ. It was really good for me to hear but I couldn't help leaving and feeling a little overwhelmed and inadequate. Inadequacy has become the story of my life, being bold in sharing my faith and bringing people to a point of decision scares me and , I feel like I don't love God enough or know Him enough to be leading girls, but He is faithful and this is where He has me.
In spite of all my doubts and fears God has been so sweet and consistent in showing me His love and faithfulness in a million little ways. Today for instance on the way to my parent's house I was thinking about how I needed to get my oil changed and how hungry I was. So I prayed, "Lord let there be an oil change place within walking distance from the Chick-fil-A off this exit." I don't know if that was selfish or not but there was a Jiffy Oil Lube 20ft from the Chick-fil-A. I dropped my car off and inside I'm greeted by Michelle Watkins (formerly DeCampli- she was the staff girl at Berry when I was a student), her husband Chad, and Ying (CO Thailand staff). It was great! Not to get all health and wealth on you but God really cares about little things like that.
Here's another example, Mandii Rowland, an incredible girl I've met with since I came on staff at UM, is getting married in May (crazy huh! ). She didn't have much money to buy a wedding dress - about $100, so she just started praying that God would provide. A friend of her fiance's gave him $200 to go toward the dress, so she took the $300 and went shopping with her soon to be mother-in-law. She fell in love with a gorgeous dress at one of the dress stores but it was $660. There was a website on the tag so she wrote it down to see if she could get it online but when she looked it was listed for $1,000. At this point her mother-in- law talked to her soon to be father-in-law and said, " Mandii needs this dress!" To which he replied, " We need to trust God." So she started calling different stores around town to see if she could at least find one that was similar, the last store she called had the exact dress that she loved for $250. It was so miraculous because it's a designer Fall 2006 wedding dress.
One more... My struggle with singleness comes and goes but around Christmastime I started "talking" to a couple different guys. It was all very awkward of course and nothing panned out but for the first time in a really long time (years even) I am crush-free. Everytime I even start thinking about a guy, within one or two days God lets me find out that he's dating or interested in someone else. Its good, crazy but good. In the midst of so many people getting married around me (three of the ladies I meet with got engaged in the past two months), or finding a fun dating partner, God has given me alot of peace about being single (at least He has for the last two weeks). Its crazy how much easier it is to relate to single guys when you're not worried about whether they like you or not. So... I know that for today at least the Lord has called me to be alone and its good.

Discipline

2007-01-07T19:54:00.000-08:00

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
(Heb 12:11)

For a long time its been a dirty word in my vocabulary. But it's my word for the year and I feel like God is moving me to make changes in so many areas in my life. Support, finances, eating, I'm just learning that if you want to do things the right way, it's not going to be easy. It's like I have a choice to make I can either have it easy now and hard later or hard now and easy later. It's easy to eat whatever I want to eat everyday and sit around on the couch, but when I gain 30 lbs it's going to be hard to look at my body in the mirror and it'll be hard to lose and keep off when I've made indulgence a habit. My parent's let me borrow these Dave Ramsey- Financial Peace University cd's, and they are amazing! If you need to learn to save or invest your money I highly recommend them. I've really hated goal setting for the longest time but I think the reason I've hated it is because if I make a goal and don't meet it, I feel like a failure. It's just fear but if I'd never set out to run a marathon last year I would've never run the half-marathon. Baby stepping it!

The Family Room of Humanity

2006-12-24T15:23:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve and I'm at my parent's house in Marietta, GA. So far the break has been a whirlwind of shopping, wrapping paper, cooking, family and friends and longing. Longing for perfection I think. I just wish it was easier to love people. Why is it so easy to love and accept your friends with all their faults and imperfections and so hard to love your family. It's just hard to stay engaged, committed to not just showing up to family functions but committed to actively loving, serving and being involved in people's lives. It's easier to watch tv, write on my blog, check my facebook, or listen to music than it is to have meaningful conversation. Maybe the reason its so hard is: #1 I'm selfish #2 I the people who are closest to you and know you the best have the greatest power to hurt you, even with a look, or a few words #3 I like to be the one to decide who and who is not going to be close to me and with family you don't decide. But my family needs love and encouragement just as much as any student that I minister to, and because I do know all their junk and because their junk has affected me, my love for them is probably that much more powerful. Alright... big gulps, Lord help me to stay engaged and thank you for not being a distant God but for being a God who came down into the family room of humanity and loved on dirty people who really wanted to shut you out. Thank you for breaking through the walls and barriers in my heart with your love. Help me to be like You Jesus help me to love my family where they are- in the family room, here I go....

Burning down the House

2006-12-21T20:16:00.000-08:00

I think too much... I mean I really enjoy thinking but overthinking is just unhealthy. Failure is not something I enjoy, I like to be in control and I hate to be in situations where I don't know the outcome. Recently there's been quite a failure in my life and I've gotta stop thinking about it, and ask the Lord to help me learn from it. Nice... this song - Control Freak by Copeland just started playing, how appropriate.

“To fail is a natural consequence of trying, To succeed takes time and prolonged effort in the face of unfriendly odds. To think it will be any other way, no matter what you do, is to invite yourself to be hurt and to limit your enthusiasm for trying”
David Viscott

" Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing."-- Denis Waitley

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.- George Bernard Shaw

"You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there." -- Edwin Louis Cole

“Remember the two benefits of failure. First, if you do fail, you learn what doesn't work; and second, the failure gives you the opportunity to try a new approach.”
Roger Von Oech

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
Sven Goran Eriksson

My So- Called Life

2006-12-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

All I can do is laugh. My life is one big fat pickle. My parents have tag-teamed two yelling sessions at me this week, once for almost getting a puppy and secondly for having no car insurance (whoops!). Tonight I did my last bible study of the semester with the Alpha Gammas and I got so tongue-tied that I'm not sure if I made any sense and we had a potluck dinner beforehand and I didn't have the money to buy anything so I made stuff that I had around the house (hotdogs, a mystery rice mixture, and corn- it was a poor man's potluck). I invited one of my best friend's to a semi-formal Christmas party this weekend and she was so excited and she bought a new dress. Then I found out that I had forgotten that I'd bought concert tickets for a show on that night like 2 months earlier so I wouldn't be able to go. AAAAAAH! I can't seem to get anything right this week. I'm having a little trouble trying to figure out how to be a responsible adult. It seems like there's just so many things to think about and take care of. What is responsible. Well, responsible means worthy of trust or held accountable (I looked it up). Held accountable- that sounds scary. Anyways, you wouldn't believe what happened in our house last night. We killed a full grown rat with our rat trap. Its been terrorizing us, everytime we turned around it was in our kitchen , bathroom, and Saturday night it slid under my bedroom door. So, I bought some mouse traps and 1 rat trap just in case. We put it in the kitchen and less than an hour later we were all getting ready for bed and we heard the trap go off and the twitching of a rat body. After next semester I'm seriously considering a move. Matt has been telling me that I need to take more chances, that I don't take any risks, that I don't give myself room enough to fail big and learn from it. I think that sounds good I mean I'd love to try something risky that could either be really good or terribly bad, but I don't really know what that would look like. Most of the risk that comes into my life comes from my forgetfulness or because I've ignored something I should have dealt with. Oh well, I'm growing - baby steps right? Baby steps.

Layers

2006-11-29T22:11:00.000-08:00

I ought to be asleep right now because I gotta get up early but I'd rather write. Its been a good day. I went to the Caf and collected Christmas Conference money, met with two girls, then I took one of the girls I meet with out for a very belated birthday dinner, and afterwards went and hung out with a few DG'S for a little while. Its crazy, the more I get involved in people's lives the more I learn. It seems like the people who seem the strongest, and the toughest are the most soft- hearted and sensitive. They put on that hard exterior because they don't want to get hurt. Today I was hanging out with one of the girls and she's just telling me about what's going on in her life and she keeps just losing it and crying, and I couldn't help but cry with her. To just about everyone on campus she's a girl who's witty and sarcastic. They think she's able to hold her own and that she won't take crap from anyone but it was so sweet for me to see her heart today. I think most people are like her, at least I am. We erect all sorts of walls whether it's witt and sarcasm, or silence, always having to look a certain way, or say things that are interesting and intelligent, making people laugh, or being really helpful. We're afraid that who we really are isn't enough, like once people peel back the layers of false identity all they'll find is a plain white piece of paper. It's funny though, when I see the honest, vulnerable, non-performance, non-selfconcious side of these ladies, it makes me love them more.

Jesus

2006-11-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

There's a name that secretly repulses alot of people. Sometimes its hard for me to say it without feeling cheesy like a youth pastor or a blue haired tele-evangelist. But Jesus is life. I've been thinking alot about the purpose of life alot lately. If Christ is life then it makes sense that the whole world was created by Him, through Him, and for Him. Its crazy to think that if the world was created to glorify (honor, bring high praise to) God through Jesus Christ, the Fall was not an accident. Jesus is glorified through the grace (free gift) He pours out on those who believe. If there was nothing to save we could never understand the full beauty if who God is.

And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.
(Joh 17:3)

So here's the pull. If real life, eternal life is found in knowing God through Jesus Christ, why is it so easy to be blinded by the world and my own desires. The last thing I want to do sometimes is get alone and talk to God. I get so concerned about missing out on real living while I'm out in Montevallo but I can have Christ just as much here as anywhere else. In coming to earth Christ came and showed us a perfect life. He showed us how God intended man to live- in constant communion with the Father, sacrificing it all for other people.

I've been trying really hard to do all of this. But I think the whole point of Christ's life was to show us that we can't. It's so funny when you hear people talk about their shortcomings alot of times you'll hear someone say- "Well, I'm not Jesus"- and its true. I feel like I'm killing myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally trying to be Jesus. God doesn't ask me to be Jesus, He asks me to love Him with everything I've got. It's so much easier to love myself, or the thought of marriage, or cute clothes, or good music and just hold God at an arm's distance while I try to be good for Him on the outside. He wants me to let Him inside the most intimate places of my heart and He wants to have first place there. He doesn't want a maid, He wants a wife.

Jesus answered, "The most important is, 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'
(Mar 12:29-30)

My focus should be on loving my God.
"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."
(2Co 3:18)

I don't have to force myself kicking and screaming to be the perfect Christian. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. As I look on Him with eyes of love, I become like Him. If you spend enough time with anyone you love you pick up their mannerisms, you know what they like, you start seeing the world through their eyes. The thought that's made me want to love and know Christ more lately is that everything I love about a beautiful landscape, a cool piece of art, a really interesting guy, a good run- everything that's good on this earth is just a shadow or a really faint reflection of the beauty, satisfaction and love of Christ. He is good.

How relevant is too relevant?

2006-11-19T21:11:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been fun and way too short. Last night I stayed out till 3am salsa dancing with Hooper and TJ. I love those girls. Can dancing with attractive Latino men really be classified as work?- yes, yes indeed. Well tonight after a long nap I went to Bwood for Sunday night service and then afterwards I went to the Singles Thanksgiving dinner. Holy social awkwardness! I went by myself and usually it doesn't bother me to go places by myself but tonight was just weird. Girls are really hard to get to know, especially in that kind of environment where everyone comes with their friends and they're comfortable with the friends they already have. So something crazy happened tonight, I talked to boys for half the night. And just when I was getting bored with surfacy chit chat this guy started talking to me about the insider movement in missions it was pretty dang interesting. When I first heard about the movement I was pretty skeptical and I must admit that I'm still not completely sure if I agree with it but I'm definitely interested in learning more. Here's the gist of it: Many missionaries are noticing that its not really Jesus that people are against its Western culture. They associate the term Christianity with everything from George Bush to the Crusades. So missionaries are taking out the middle man in a sense they are meeting Islamic people where they are. The Koran contains somewhere close to 70% of the Bible. So they are teaching them about Jesus through the Koran. But here's the thing I'm debating- when a Muslim becomes a follower of Jesus they don't stop going to the mosque, they don't get baptised or practice the sacraments, they stay in their culture as worshippers of Jesus and they share their beliefs with the people in their communities. They guy I was talking to was telling me about an entire mosque that had become worshippers of Jesus but still prayed 5 times a day toward Mecca and followed alot of cultural practices that weren't forbidden in the Bible. Ok, what I'm afraid about is syncretism. Symcretism is the attempt to meld together opposing beliefs. The Isrealites did it alot in the Old Testament and they were disciplined severely for it. Jesus + works in the East or Jesus + Money in the West - neither of those equal eternal life. I think the insider movement would make it easy for followers of Christ to just add Him on as a bonus to their faith. Where is there room to say that Hinduism, Mormonism, Islam, etc. are false and that their followers are unknowingly following Satan. I think it'd also be easy to use the insider movement as a safe and easy way to dodge persecution. What does God mean when He says come out from them and be seperate. All that to say I want to learn and think more about it. If you have any thoughts please let me know.

2006-11-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Saturday and I'm laying in bed eating an apple and some hummus I made from an instant pack. It comes in a dry powdery form and you are supposed to mix it with warm water and olive oil, which I did but it still tastes powdery. I added cayenne pepper and sour cream to see if I could mask the powder but it didn't help. I gotta learn how to make that stuff from scratch. I spent the night last night with a good friend. Our relationship has been pretty rocky the last couple of months and yesterday we just got all our crap out on the table. It was so good. here is so much freedom in confessing the crap you've been thinking and feeling toward one another. I'm learning so much about what it means to love people and be committed to them. In relationships of every kind, dissapointment is inevitable. I can either push people away when they don't live up to my expectations and live a lonely, solitary life. Or I can be honest with myself about my own failures and see that demanding perfection from anyone is insane. All that to say Friday night was so good- I can see why Satan doen't want us to be friends.

Moni Hill

2006-11-05T21:29:00.000-08:00

This weekend we had to go on a roadtrip so we could make a video for Christmas conference. We went to Asheville, NC. Asheville is this great artsy little town nestled in the Blue Ridge mountains. They had a little outdoor market Saturday morning where I met a woman named Moni. She is a full-time stay at home mom who paints when her children are napping or down for the night. She was selling her paintings. She's got a simple one dimensional style that she pairs with bright happy colors, very much a folk artist. It was inspiring. I bought one of her small $15 pieces (I really shouldn't have since I really didn't have the money). I just couldn't talk to her and be inspired by her and not support her.

I'm not content, I'm distracted

2006-10-31T16:07:00.000-08:00

Tired. Suprise suprise, its the middle of the semester. Tonight I'm supposed to be going to a Halloween party. I'm glad because I'll be hanging out with people but at the same time I'd love to just spend the night watching movies and just talking at my house. Last week I felt great, then Traci came and spent the night with me. She talked to me about my schedule and my life and I just broke down. Its easy to feel great when you won't allow yourself time to really get still. I need help. I really wish I had someone to tell me what to do and when to do it all the time. I just don't trust myself. The crazy thing is that the Lord wants to be the One to tell me all this stuff and I feel like I don't even know how to listen to Him. Love, loving people is my job but I feel like I'm starved for it myself. I am my own worst enemy, I keep erecting walls of performance between God and myself. Its like I come to Him with my hands full of all my works and He's trying to embrace me but He can't because of all the stuff in my hands. I'm scared that if I let it drop I'll become lazy.

All the right reasons

2006-10-28T21:57:00.001-07:00

I'm back in the living room, and I'm sprawled out on the couch in my sweatpants listening to the new John Mayer cd. I love it, its kind of jazzy but I love jazzy. If you don't want to get the whole album check out: The Heart of Life, Stop this Train and Bold as Love (Jimi Hendrix cover). Bold As Love, I like the sound of that. I'm supposed to be writing my weekly report right now but my brain is fried so I'm emptying it here on my blog before I proceed. There's this question on the report that I hate to answer- What's been motivating you in ministry this week? I never have good answers. I always have to say ugly things like fear and ambition with a little love mixed in. My heartbeat is fear. Fear keeps me working ridiculously long hours. It makes me ignore things I feel like I can't deal with. It shuts my mouth and averts my eyes when I really want to connect with someone.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
(1Jo 4:18)

I haven't been perfected in love but I want to be. Christ's love was bold. He died naked in the face of the jeers and the spit of the people he came to save. He loves me eventhough I can't imagine how His love can be stronger than romantic love. He's bold, He's bold as love. “Love is as hard as nails, it is nails”- C.S. Lewis

2006-10-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is Hell. --C.S. Lewis

Thanksgiving

2006-10-14T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'm home in Marietta this weekend for Thanksgiving. You may think that the Jett family has gotten its months mixed up but we know its October. My brother, Jason, works at Disney World in Orlando in their Resort Sales Department. Since there are so many people who come to the park during the holidays he can't come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas, so we are happy to accomodate our holidays around his schedule. I left Montevallo around 7:30 or 8pm last night and seriously almost fell asleep at the wheel about 400 times. I know one thing for sure- the Lord still has things for me to do here on earth. I did that head nod thing the whole way to Georgia and I almost hit a couple of cars in the lanes next to me- ha ha! I am no good at night driving.
The past month or so of my life has been amazingly peaceful. Nothing major has really changed. I'm still busy, I still live and work in Montevallo, Alabama but I don't know I guess God is just starting to cure me of the disease my friends call ATMS (Afraid to miss something). I'm beginning to believe that I'm exactly where He wants me to be, and I really do love little Montevallo. I love the Peach pear smoothies at Eclipse, the cheese dip at Zappopan. I love knowing the waiters and waitresses at both of those local hangouts. I love chilling out and drinking Earl Grey tea with Joey, Camilla, Stacey, Hooper, and Corey in Peck. I love watching my roomies try on 50 different outfits and helping them decide what they want to wear for a night out on the town. I love table hopping in the Caf.
I haven't had a chance to dance very much lately. I don't know why its so important to me but I miss it. I feel like dancing is a visual and physical expression of ecstatic happiness. That's why I think that no graduation, birthday, wedding, New Year's Eve celebration... is ever truly complete without at least a little personal dance party. I've caught myself dancing in the bathroom if I'm having a really good time at a friends house. Not like I go in there just to dance but just while I'm fixing my hair or washing my hands at the sink I'll just dance it out for a couple of seconds. Anyways... Happy Thanksgiving people!

Orlando and everything after

2006-09-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

Its been a busy and crazy month. I've been traveling alot and that's going to continue - I've been to Orlando where I visited my brother, stayed with my friend Heather from college, and caught the Montevallo lady Falcons playing soccer at Rollins college. Last weekend I went to Florence, Alabama for a staff women's retreat. The CO directors surprised us by giving us all free massages (there's a really funny story that goes along with this- ask me). This weekend I'm hanging out in and near Montevallo. Next weekend I'm going home to visit the family in Marietta, GA and the week after that our whole staff team will be flying out to Minneapolis to attend the Piper conference on Postmodern culture (which I'm so excited about I could pee my pants).
Meanwhile, during the week I'm hanging out and meeting with different students at Montevallo. Its been a really good school year so far. There is just a ton of spiritual interest on campus and God keeps bringing girls that need to hear about Him across my path. I feel like God is just moving me into a new stage of life. It seems like my life has just been really well insulated. Living in the suburbs with my movies, my music, my friends, so many of these things were just a barrier between me and the harsher side of life. It's not like my life is all that hard but God is just making me dissatisfied with the things I normally turn to for comfort, happiness, and just as a way of escape. Its so easy for me to use food, crushes, shopping and a million other things to make me forget about what's really going on in my life.
I am really thankful for this time in my life, eventhough its kinda painful. Even training for a marathon is teaching me to persevere through pain. God really is using all of the dissatisfaction I feel to make my heart singleheartedly devoted to Him. He won't let me be satisfied with anything less than Himself.

For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the LORD has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you," says the LORD, your Redeemer. "This is like the days of Noah to me: as I swore that the waters of Noah should no more go over the earth, so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you, and will not rebuke you. For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
(Isa 54:5-10)

“Pain is not something most people like. That is why we run from it as fast as we can. That is also why we aren’t free. Jesus hardly ever goes to those places where we run. When pain comes (or when we fear that it will come), don’t run away. Run to it, and you will find you have run into the arms of Jesus. In other words, buck up, face it, embrace it, and know that you and Jesus can deal with it. Then you will laugh and dance in the freedom and the reality of God’s sufficiency and the power that becomes awesome in your weakness.” Steve Brown, A Scandalous Freedom

“In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us- that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking something besides Him, we lose it.” – Brennan Manning (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

Rough Draft

2006-09-09T22:02:00.000-07:00

Here's a rough beyond rough draft of a poem I'm working on.

Illusions

Loving an idea, a theory
Like loving the dolls in plastic packaging
Well-groomed,
well-versed, well-dressed,
well- adjusted, well- prepared, and well-balanced

Cohabitating with shadows, shells
Beckoning them to life
Pulling strings and speaking words
As they whisk around with their heavy hollow heads

In smiling faces and warm hands there’s chance
Chance they’ll open the shiny paper of soul to find a plain white piece of paper
And me scratching hollow cavern bareness

Silhouetted ideals, they call to me
In crowded rooms, to silence
And in the car, convincing me to press ignore to stop the ringing
Grasping the blackness of elusive desert mirages with naked hands,
Until I know alone.

Square One

2006-08-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is the first time in a while that I've actually felt like writing. Oh gosh, life has been really interesting this week. As always I simply have no idea what I'm doing. I've fumbled my way through the gospel and my testimony a few times this week but it hasn't really rung true. Maybe I shouldn't be a professional Christian. The only thing I can think to do is love people, I don't have the mind of a strategist. As I'm writing this I'm realizing that I've double booked myself tommorrow at 2pm and both girls would be dissapointed if I canceled. AAAH! There is just so much need and I am completely insufficient to fill all of it. I don't know how to prioritize. I think its easy in this job to look at people and sort of think how they are connected with other people and whether or not they can get you "in" with certain groups instead of seeing people for who they are and trusting God to move the way He wants to move, I am definitely guilty of doing this. I mean I can barely talk to a male student for over 5 minutes without feeling guilty. Boys have souls too, they need to hear the gospel and they need encouragementt just the same as anyone else. Who am I working for? Am I working to see quick and measurable results so I can feel good about myself or am I working for a Sovereign God who brings people into my life and saves them in such a way that I can take none of the credit. Am I building God's kingdom or Renee's? Am I more concerned about what I'll look like in front of my colleagues than I am about the souls of girls on campus? My heart is not broken. If I was God I probably wouldn't choose fishermen as my disciples, I'd have been really smart and gone for the Pharisees or Saducees. Better yet I would've gone to the Roman officials, people with some serious social muscle. I just feel like I need to begin ministering out of a place of conviction. Do I think having a target group is Biblical? What is an influential person? I'm back to the drawing board, I ought to just make a home here.

Gearing Up

2006-08-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

Deep breath...Alright my work schedule is going to get a little intense starting next week. Why is it that I feel so much pressure? Well, I'm afraid to make mistakes and fail (I don't trust God to get the work He wants done through me). It's a little intimidating, I've got no one to tell me exactly what needs to be done everyday. I don't have the strength to be as bold as I need to be. I'm not that good at sharing my faith and even worse at actually living it out. I don't want to just exist, I want to make an impact.
I think the problem is that my eyes are fixed on me and all my inadequacies instead of on the sufficiency of Christ.I've posted these verses before but they're so good I'm posting them again.

May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall.
(2Pe 1:2-10)

Confessions of a Cornbread Junkie

2006-08-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

I'm back from 9 days of Return Training + Staff Fellowship. Steph dropped me off in Montevallo around 3 or 4pm today, so I've been washing clothes, and hanging out on the couch eating cornbread and drinking milk. I really may be addicted to cornbread. Short-term additction is becoming an odd pattern in my life. For some reason I just get fixated on something and I just can't get enough. Right now its that cheap Jiffy goodness. I mean you can't beat it. If you've got 50 cents, an egg and 1/3 cup of milk you too can enjoy sweet satisfying taste of cornbread muffins. Unfortunately, the ones I made tonight were a little dry because I left them in the oven 3 minutes too long, but its alright. Return training and staff fellowship went really well. I've still got alot of work to do before the semester starts but at least now I've got some direction and vision. I got a new digital camera last month so I'm going to show you a few of my favorite pics from the summer.
These are some of the coolest girls that live in Montevallo, Alabama.
Nikki and Steph in the grocery store as we attempted to plan and cook dinner for 10.
I love Ginny and Amy Barrett! I took this pic on a Sunday afternoon while I was having fun and exploring the Homewood buisness district. I love the color scheme in O'Carrs, I can't wait to eat there if I'm ever in the area when they're open.

The Deception of Fear

2006-07-31T14:28:00.000-07:00

Alright this is going to sound a little weird but... I had this dream a couple of weeks ago. In the dream I was mowing the front lawn at my parents house and as I'm mowing the lawn I see this huge snakeskin and suddenly this huge snake is chasing me up the driveway. At that point I jarred myself awake because I was so afraid. I'm not really interested in getting caught by a snake, even if it's just in Dreamland. I never remember my dreams but this one is sticking with me. Maybe its dumb to try to interpret your dreams but I can't help but think that Satan really is trying to discourage me or chase me away from what I'm doing or something like that, or maybe the snake was just a metaphor for all my fears. God's really been showing me alot lately about how afraid I am about everything really.

It's kinda silly but lately I've been seeing how fear plays out in my life in a million little ways. I'll be running and I'll pass a man on the street and suddenly get scared that he's going to attack me so I'll have to look behind me real quick when I pass him to make sure he's not gonna try a sneak attack from the back (as if simply looking at him is really going to stop him). Or I'll be about to go to a meeting and just start getting scared everything is going to be unbearably hard. Sometimes I even just refuse to answer my cellphone for days at a time because I'm scared that everyone who calls will want to talk for two hours. Mostly I'm just overwhelmed and afraid that I'm not capable of making the right decisions and doing what it is that God wants me to do.

I think I've been focusing so long on my total depravity (which yes, apart from Christ I am totally depraved) that I've forgotten about the riches of what I have now that I'm in Christ. Check out this passage:
May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord. His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
(2Pe 1:2-11)

I think that fear overtakes me when I get so caught up in my life that I become nearsighted and I forget that I've been cleansed from my former sins. I start wallowing in them and I don't believe I can do anything right when I'm looking at all my failures. Through Christ I am a partaker in the divine nature. I am more than a conqueror. I have all that I need to do what I was born to do because I have Christ. The end of all this life, the end of this world, and the future of all mankind is Christ, and I have Him as my own. Do I believe that? Do I live like it?

I heard a great story last Sunday at one of the churches I went to. One day Martin Luther was incredibly discouraged, so his wife dressed herself in all black. When he saw her working around the house in those clothes he asked, "Where are you going?", and she said, "nowhere". So he replied, "Then why are you dressed like that?" and she said, "Because God is dead!". Then he got really mad that she said that so she said, "well, if God is alive then live like it." I have a form of godliness but too often I deny its power. God is alive and well and working. If God is for us, who can be against us?

"...our problem as human beings is deeper than the individual sins we commit each day, creating the specific problems that complicate our lives. Our deepest problem is that we seek to find our identity outside the story of redemption. If the entire goal and direction of our lives are wrong, we need much more than practical advice on how to do the right thing in a particular situation. We need a message big enough to overcome our natural human instinct to live for our own glory, pursue our own happiness, and forget that our lives are much, much bigger than this little moment of life. Every day in some way, we buy the lies of autonomy and self-sufficiency, worshiping the creation rather than the Creator." - Paul Tripp (Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands)

The Zen Of Housework

2006-07-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

By Al Zolynas

I look over my shoulder
down my arms
to where they disappear under water
into hands inside pink rubber gloves
moiling among dinner dishes.

My hands lift a wine glass,
holding it by the stem and under the bowl.
It breaks the surface
like a chalice
rising from a medieval lake.

Full of the grey wine
of domesticity, the glass floats
to the level of my eyes.
Behind it, through the window
above the sink, the sun, among
a ceremony of sparrows and bare branches,
is setting in Western America.

I can see thousands of droplets
of steam- each a tiny spectrum- rising
from my goblet of grey wine.
They sway, changing directions
constantly- like a school of playful fish,
or like the sheer curtain
on the window to another world.

Ah, grey sacrament of the mundane!

An Unwelcome Guest

2006-07-24T20:13:00.000-07:00

The word cancer has suddenly become real to me in the past couple of days. Usually when someone tells me that their grandmother or friend or father has cancer I say, "I'm really sorry" and I act kinda concerned but I don't really give it much thought. Last Wednesday night my mom was rushed to the ICU of our local hospital because her doctor found that her white blood cell count was dangerously high. They told us that she has leukemia. It came as a total shock to me. I knew she'd been having bad headaches and that she'd seen a couple of doctors but I just figured it was migraines.
I don't really believe this is happening. I came back to Georgia today to check on her and bring her some books to read while she's in the hospital. It's really hard seeing her with so many tubes all over the place but I'm so encouraged by her attitude. She's really trusting that the Lord will heal her. She's also been making friends with all the doctors and nurses. When my dad and I came in tonight to visit her a nurse named Barbara was in her room chatting it up with her and she'd brought her all kind of gifts from home like fresh fruit, chocolate, a book, and a journal. Inside the cover of the red journal Barbara had written- "From one control freak to another".
I love it. I can just imagine my mom sitting up late talking to this lady about life and encouraging her just like she's encouraged me so many times. Its really blown me away. The Sunday before my mom was admitted into the hospital I went to church with my parents at our "crazy" Pentecostal church. The pastor preached a pretty good sermon about witnessing (evangelism). When I went to visit my mom for the first time the first thing she said to me when I got into her room was "I've been able to witness twice since I've been here, I know God has me here for a reason." She's always been the kind of woman who wasn't scared to talk about Jesus anytime, any place, and she's no different in the hospital. I told my mom tonight that she reminds me of Paul in Philippians 1:12-13 when he says, "I want you to know brothers that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ." Though I would change the wording to say something like what has happened to my mom has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole intensive care unit and to all the rest that her hospitalization is for Christ.
She told me tonight that she's trusting God for a full recovery. I want to believe that God will do it but Lord help my unbelief! When I got home from the hospital tonight my sister asked me to pray with her. I think its the first time we've ever prayed together. I don't know what's going to happen. Tonight as I was leaving my mom said, "Well, I'll see you in a couple of months (that shows you how much I've been home in the past year), and I was like, "you'll see me alot sooner than that." She really wants everything to be life as usual but it can't be life as usual. It'd be easy for me to go back to Montevallo and get so involved in my work and my life that I forget the seriousness of what's going on here at home. I don't want to do that.

Up to Speed

2006-07-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

I got back in town yesterday and its been good to be back. My time at home was so nice. The first week I just relaxed with my parents.They are hilarious in their own way. My dad's really quiet, he just retired but he was an engineer for over 35 years, I think he's a pretty smart guy. Then there's my mom who is crazy and outspoken and will talk to just about anyone about anything. They've got a really funny dynamic going on. Anyways they tag teamed me while I was home and convinced me that I need to write out a budget and stick to it, and that I really need to be careful about what I eat. They are so funny, at 4pm everyday they watch Oprah togteher. So one day she had this big show on nutrition and healthy eating so they taped it and showed it to me when I came home (they do this sort of thing all the time). Growing up the house was stocked with french fries, hamburgers, icecream, chips, and lots of other good tasting treats. But I opened up the freezer when I got home and all I found was sherbert. It's good though and I'm really proud of them. I think it's really important to be a good stewart of your body. Now they've got me reading food labels so that I know what I'm putting in my body. All these preservatives, chemicals, and hormones we put in our bodies are terrible. They're making us lethargic and fat (I'll blog about this more later).
The second week was full of friends and fun. I tracked down lots of old friends from high school and college and caught up with them. My friend Amanda even drove from Birmingham to come and visit me that weekend (she earned 10 friend points for that). I'd only planned on staying at home for 2 weeks but some of my friends from college convinced me to go to the beach with them for 3 days and I'm glad I did because some crazy stuff happened at the end of that third week and my family needed me to be there.
All this traveling and living in different places is so weird. I mean part of me likes it but part of me wishes I was settled somewhere but it's hard. Even during the school year I travel alot on the weekends whether it's work related, or visiting my friends or my family. My life here in Alabama is really centered on work, while most of the people that know me well live in various cities around Georgia, Nashville, TN, or Chicago,IL. I'm not doing such a good job of juggling all the relationships in my life. I'd like to have more of a life outside of work here in Alabama but I'm not sure if I really have the time for it.
I ran 9 miles this morning. It's my longest run so far and I really shouldn't call it a run - maybe a jog, by the end I seriously think people could have walked faster than I was running, but hey it got done. Then I drove down to the Fresh Market and bought some healthy, organic food and tonight I'm going to make dinner and watch movies. I'd love company- there's an open invitation for anyone who doesn't mind driving out here!

Life Theory #756- Love is a Miracle

2006-07-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

Today was really...full. I met my friend Amy this afternoon for lunch and shopping. She filled me in about what's been going on with her this year. She just broke up with this amazing guy who genuinely loves the Lord. My question of course was, "What happened?". Her answer, "I wasn't enough for him physically." Her height bothered him and he told her that if she ever got fat they would no longer be dating. When she asked him what would happen if she gained weight during say... pregancy, he said, "Well, Faith Hill did it". Needless to say, I walked away from our time together a little discouraged. Most of the godly guys I know, I mean guys I really respect, want a girl who's a spiritual studress, and wears a size 2 with big boobs and no cellulite- hot and godly right!(I know I'm exaggerating a little- but only a little.) I was mad for about 10 minutes, then the Lord started to bring my own unrealistic expectations to mind. I mean I'm looking for a smart, witty, spiritual, attractive, intriguing, college educated, decisive, wise, athletic but not uber-athletic, ecclectic, creative, unique, freethinking, poor people loving, gospel centered man. He dosen't exist (dang it!), so I can't get mad at these guys for being honest about wanting some serious eye-candy.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I think no one thinks I'm attractive- but during these times I conveniently forget about all the 18 year old students from JSU, the men who work in fast-food establishments, grocery stores, on the backs of garbage trucks, and even the men who drive cars with loud horns who daily show me their appreciation. I've liked so many guys in the past that would never consider being with me because of one or more of my physical traits, but I really do the same thing everyday when I overlook people because I know they aren't college educated, or interesting enough, or cute. I don't believe in love at first sight, it's straight lust at first sight.

Anyways, after I hung out with Amy I drove straight up to Rome and had dinner with two couples who are some of my great friends from college. Just sitting there listening to them talk and interact with eachother I was thinking how it really is a miracle that anyone gets married. God really is committed to populating the earth, if He wasn't we'd all be holding out waiting for just the right one- the grass would always be greener somewhere else.

My longest college crush was this guy named Jarrod, he had a beard (I'm a sucker for facial hair). I thought we'd be perfect together but everytime I talked to him I got nervous, or asked him dumb questions, or just tried to be something I wasn't- deep or cool or something. So eventhough he knew me, he never really knew me. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to try to be what I think some guy wants whether that's physically, spiritually, or in terms of personality.

So here's my theory, I think that God puts a special love in your heart for the person you're supposed to be with, and they have that special love for you too. It's like they can really see you- see your unique beauty, your funny quirks, they can know what you're thinking by the look on your face, and they can see your sin and still want to love you (even if they don't in the moment), they are committed to your soul.

As women it seems like we're constantly trying to get different guys to see us like that through the way we dress, our exaggerated laughter, intense eye contact, even serving and loving people in front of that special guy. But no matter how hard we try they can't see us. I want to stop living like that- I don't want to have to convince my husband that he should love me. It's about soul-connection, and I'm convinced that soul-connection, the kind where you forget about the way a person is making you feel or look, and you're consumed with lavishing them with love and helping them even when it seems impossible, is a miracle. Sure it takes pain, and tears and work but it's possible- with that person who can see you. Maybe that's idealistic but I hope it's true. Trust me I'll be putting this theory to the test whenever I get the chance. Who knows I may just flag down the next Jesus loving sanitation worker who honks at me while I'm running.

The Way of Death- Meditations on Nothing But Death

2006-07-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

At first glance this poem is depressing I admit. I really hesitated to post it on my blog but it’s beautiful, Neruda has this incredible way with images. I feel like poetry is becoming a dead art. There are no famous poems that everyone talks about and it doesn’t seems like many people go to hear poetry read anymore. Poems aren't easy and mindless. Their very nature requires you to think, it takes a little hard work but it's worth it. So come an explore with me the mystery and excitement of this poem. One thing you'll have to accept from the beginning is that part of poetry is mystery. A poet will almost never give you a strict, hard and fast interpretation of what you're reading. You piece it together and see what you think it might mean.

Pause (this pause is intended to give us both time to re-read the poem included in my last blog)

Let’s tackle the first stanza:
There are cemeteries that are lonely,
graves full of bones that do not make a sound,
the heart moving through a tunnel,
in it darkness, darkness, darkness,
like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,
as though we were drowning inside our hearts,
as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.

Ok, what is he trying to get at here? Cemeteries are lonely? Cemeteries are inanimate objects, how can they be lonely? But what if this lonely cemetery is a metaphor? What could it be a metaphor for? Look down at the third line- I think it could be a metaphor for the heart. Why is the heart a cemetery? I think the better question for this stanza is how does the heart become a cemetery? It moves in a tunnel of darkness, we die going into ourselves, we drown inside our own hearts, as though we are living falling out of our physical bodies and throwing ourselves into our souls/hearts. Neruda makes a case for the destructiveness of morbid introspection and selfishness.

Moving right along, stanzas number 2&3:

And there are corpses,
feet made of cold and sticky clay,
death is inside the bones,
like a barking where there are no dogs,
coming out from bells somewhere, from graves somewhere,
growing in the damp air like tears of rain.

Sometimes I see alone
coffins under sail,
embarking with the pale dead, with women that have dead hair,
with bakers who are as white as angels,
and pensive young girls married to notary publics,
caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead,
the river of dark purple,
moving upstream with sails filled out by the sound of death,
filled by the sound of death which is silence.

Alright, I’m not sure what exactly he’s getting at in stanza 2 and he may just be saying things for effect but I love the two lines that say, “death is inside the bones, like a barking where there are no dogs.” What are these corpses? They could be experiences, or dead relationships, or people. But I think this stanza says a lot about the inevitability of death, it’s inside the bones, it calls to everyone. The next stanza begins with, “Sometimes I see alone”, if you think about how he started the poem, “There are cemeteries that are lonely”, it kinda makes you think that he might be trying to say something about the deadliness of being alone or lonely. Then he lists of all these people, pale people, women with dead hair, bakers covered in white flour, thoughtful young girls married to boring men – they are caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead. Calling them caskets is really interesting. The casket is a carrier, it carries something that is already dead. What could that dead thing that they’re carrying be, maybe their dead hearts? And these alone coffins or caskets they are filled with the sound of death as they move upstream, the sound of silence.
Stanzas 4&5:
Death arrives among all that sound
like a shoe with no foot in it, like a suit with no man in it,
comes and knocks, using a ring with no stone in it, with no
finger in it,
comes and shouts with no mouth, with no tongue, with no
throat.
Nevertheless its steps can be heard
and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree.

I'm not sure, I understand only a little, I can hardly see,
but it seems to me that its singing has the color of damp violets,
of violets that are at home in the earth,
because the face of death is green,
and the look death gives is green,
with the penetrating dampness of a violet leaf
and the somber color of embittered winter.

Stanza 4 has some beautiful imagery. Death arrives as the coffins move silently toward it. Death is empty, it barely makes a sound yet it can be heard like a whisper. Stanza 5, well I like it but I don’t know how to explain it. He may be likening death to damp green violets because the color of decay can be green. He may be comparing violets to death because these violets are at home in the earth and death is our only certainty in this life on earth. Perhaps because green is the color of life and as the world is all that is alive will be given over to death – green is death’s calling card (feel free to choose your own interpretation).

Stanzas 6&7:
But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,
lapping the floor, looking for dead bodies,
death is inside the broom,
the broom is the tongue of death looking for corpses,
it is the needle of death looking for thread.

Death is inside the folding cots:
it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses,
in the black blankets, and suddenly breathes out:
it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets,
and the beds go sailing toward a port
where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral.

Alright, we’ve reached the final stanzas and they may be the most difficult ones. Death as a broom, well maybe just dressed as a broom. What could that broom be? I think the broom might be circumstances that bring people to death. It laps the floor. What could the floor be? The bottom rims of society- the impoverished, people who have sunken inside themselves- the depressed, the mentally ill. Well, we know that its actively seeking people. The last stanza is really interesting. Its like death is waiting inside hospital cots, or beds where depressed people sleep, it’s waiting to sail these people to where death is waiting dressed as an admiral. Why is death dressed as an admiral? It’s a commander, its been given authority over all the living.

So what can we gather from all of this? It seems like a depressing, grim, rather scary poem by an old Latino man. But,I think we can learn alot from all of this. So, Neruda starts off his poem by letting us know what he thinks is the problem with the human heart. We die going into ourselves, we drown in our own hearts. Death calls us and we cannot resist. We are alone, as the carriers of our dead hearts. We are moving toward death in our silences. As sure as we are alive we will be dead. It’s lurking about looking for people who have resigned themselves to the folding cots. It’s waiting and we can’t resist, it’s the commander. Alright, that’s still depressing. Neruda is right, death is inevitable. We all walk around barely able to interact on any kind of deep level with each other because the only person our hearts are in tuned with is ourselves. We’re drowning more and more everyday as we try to satiate ourselves with ourselves- self-protection, self-awareness, self-esteem, self-help, self-analysis, enough of me already. Sometimes I really think that if I can just figure myself out I can fix myself- but it always just makes me more confused and mentally disoriented. As this happens to our hearts Neruda describes people as walking coffins, almost practicing death. That’s crazy but I think I see it. I see it in people who refuse to take risks, who live vicariously through television characters and spend most of their time on the couch, who feel like it’s too hard and messy to get involved in other people’s lives. What’s the solution? Well, I love this poem because I think it speaks to the modern condition of man. We are a selfish bunch, unknowingly practicing death until we finally resign ourselves to it. Someone once told me that for the believer this world as we know it is the closest we’ll ever come to hell, and that for the unbeliever it is the closest they will ever come to heaven. So what does Jesus say about the inevitability of death?

And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die."
(Gen 2:16-17)

We are in this mess because of man’s rebellion from the authority of God. Man was deceived, he thought that if he came out from under God’s authority he could control his own destiny and his own life. But that is not the case, instead man unknowingly through his rebellion subjected himself to the father of rebellion. So man apart from God is enslaved to sin and satan. His very life he lives in the practice of death, looking out for himself and no one else. He lives in constant comparison, paranoia, fear, strife, self-gratification, and self-protection.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience-- among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.
(Eph 2:1-3)

But God sees us in all of this misery and loves us.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved-- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
(Eph 2:4-9)

Christ comes on the scene and lives the perfect life that we can’t. Then He dies taking on all our sin, He suffers what we should have to suffer because of our rebellion and he turns the tables on EVERYTHING. He says that eternal life is knowing Him and God through Him. He says that through putting our sinful rebellion to death there is life.

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. We know that Christ being raised from the dead will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal bodies, to make you obey their passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.
(Rom 6:4-14)

What kind of death did Christ die? He died by putting sin to death, and so we follow him in putting our sinful selves to death so that we may be free from sin which is in its essence death. So death is the way, for both the Christian and the non-Christian. The non-Christian unknowingly practices death through his search for life. He does all he can to do the things that will make him happy and make him feel more alive- but his dead heart leads him into self-gratification, selfish ambition, and self-promotion. While the Christian practices what looks like death in his quest to know and love Christ more fully. We die to our rights to ourselves, our plans for our own lives, and we find real life.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
(Joh 12:24-25)

Nod to a Fabulous Poet

2006-07-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

Nothing But Death
by Pablo Neruda
Translated by Robert Bly

There are cemeteries that are lonely,
graves full of bones that do not make a sound,
the heart moving through a tunnel,
in it darkness, darkness, darkness,
like a shipwreck we die going into ourselves,
as though we were drowning inside our hearts,
as though we lived falling out of the skin into the soul.

And there are corpses,
feet made of cold and sticky clay,
death is inside the bones,
like a barking where there are no dogs,
coming out from bells somewhere, from graves somewhere,
growing in the damp air like tears of rain.

Sometimes I see alone
coffins under sail,
embarking with the pale dead, with women that have dead hair,
with bakers who are as white as angels,
and pensive young girls married to notary publics,
caskets sailing up the vertical river of the dead,
the river of dark purple,
moving upstream with sails filled out by the sound of death,
filled by the sound of death which is silence.

Death arrives among all that sound
like a shoe with no foot in it, like a suit with no man in it,
comes and knocks, using a ring with no stone in it, with no
finger in it,
comes and shouts with no mouth, with no tongue, with no
throat.
Nevertheless its steps can be heard
and its clothing makes a hushed sound, like a tree.

I'm not sure, I understand only a little, I can hardly see,
but it seems to me that its singing has the color of damp violets,
of violets that are at home in the earth,
because the face of death is green,
and the look death gives is green,
with the penetrating dampness of a violet leaf
and the somber color of embittered winter.

But death also goes through the world dressed as a broom,
lapping the floor, looking for dead bodies,
death is inside the broom,
the broom is the tongue of death looking for corpses,
it is the needle of death looking for thread.

Death is inside the folding cots:
it spends its life sleeping on the slow mattresses,
in the black blankets, and suddenly breathes out:
it blows out a mournful sound that swells the sheets,
and the beds go sailing toward a port
where death is waiting, dressed like an admiral.

How am I not myself?

2006-07-05T07:44:00.000-07:00

I'm back in good old Marietta, GA, hanging out with my family and friends and trying to raise a little support (I accidentally left all my support stuff in Montevallo so we'll see what happens with that). Anyways, I've been hanging out with alot of my old friends and they keep asking me if I'm ok and saying things to the affect that I'm not acting like myself. That makes me feel weird. I went running this morning and I spent most of that time doing an internal psycho-analysis of myself, trying to figure out why I'm acting weird. This of course left me pretty mentally exhausted. Bottom line- life is changing, my friends are changing and I'm changing. Most of my friends here are married- so they talk about buying houses, having children, relating to their husbands, and what's going on in their social circles. I can't give much advice or input on those topics but I do enjoy listening and learning. When people ask me what's going on with me, I never know how much they really want to know so I keep it brief. My job and my life are probably seem as foreign to them as their world is to me. It's good for me to be here, I just need a little time to warm up.

Rambling thoughts of a nomad

2006-07-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

I'm writing from my fun blue couch in Montevallo, AL. I got back in town tonight around 5pm, bought a Lean Cuisine from the grocery store and rented two movies. Unfortunately the sound on our dvd player isn't working so it looks like I'll be reading, blogging and eating hot cornbread muffins tonight, and I'm not complaining- I'm all alone in the Shanahan House and I'm lovin' it. Being at Beach Project really was so good for my heart. There's something mysterious and powerful about the Body of Christ. Being around so many other believers exposes so much of my sin but at the same time I think I felt more loved by God and other people during the short month of June than I have all year. I need people in my life alot more than I'd like to admit.

I love my job! Isn't that weird, I feel like I've had so much inner conflict this year and so many doubts about whether or not God really wants me to work for Campus Outreach, and whether I have what it takes and what my bosses are looking for. I will freely admit that part of the reason I came on staff in the first place was because I was afraid. Afraid that if I didn't, I would lose my focus on Christ and become another materialistic suburbanite (much to my dissapointment being on staff doesn't keep me from buying crap I don't need). But the other part of me took the job because I really do want to love people and see them come to see Jesus as their sweet Savior and intimate friend (I feel really cheesy typing that).

This summer I feel like I've been smacked in the face with the reality that most of the girls I know are walking around broken, living in the cage of performance, and dying to be loved. . All of their families, even the ones that look happy are screwed up and dysfunctional. Jesus, why is it so hard for us to accept your unconditional love? I feel like we put the cart before the horse (or however that analogy is supposed to go). I'd love it if we had one whole summer devoted to seeing the beauty of Christ. I feel like we're so afraid that the students won't labor or be productive Christians so we force them to get a bunch of evangelistic experiences, which isn't necessarily bad. All I'm saying is that the reason most people don't evangelize is not because they've never seen it modeled for them, it's because Christ isn't that beautiful to them. I wonder what would happen if the only focus of next year's SBP was Christ and the beauty of the gospel, and we didn't teach so many methods of evangelism. I wonder if evangelism would explode. Being a Christian is more than knowing that Christ died for your sin and that you can go to heaven if you trust Him and repent, its got to move your heart. I think we've seen so many people "fall away from the faith" lately because they missed the whole point. Jesus didn't save us to just be His soldiers- bringing the truth to people through evangelism and a strict regime of bible study and memorization. He saved us to restore intimate communion between us and God. If there is no intimate communion with God in your life you are missing the point. He desires a people that are wholeheartedly in love with Him, not just His mission. No man wants to marry a woman who will clean the house, cook wonderful meals, and even have sex with him without looking into his eyes and enjoying him, and God doesn't want people who are so busy doing His work that they don't have time to slow down and melt at his touch. A husband demands the full love and attention of his wife and God demands that His Bride be captivated with the beauty of who He is. Only then will our service be acceptable. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
(2Co 3:18)
He melts the hardness of our hearts with the fire of His love.

Crazy Running Fool

2006-06-22T12:49:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Panama City Beach drinking a vanilla latte that I bought because you can't just use wireless without buying something. The funny thing is that I don't like coffee but I'm rolling it around in my mouth right now and contemplating attempting to acquire a taste for it. My friend and fellow staff girl Stephanie Kanute convinced me to run the Chicago marathon with her in October so I signed up and paid my $90. Before I actually registered I called her and let her know that I was doing it so she could make sure and do it that day too. Well, ironically she didn't get around to it that day and when she did get around to it the marathon was closed because the maximum had been reached. So, I'm registered for a marathon in Chicago that I never would've thought about running in, in the first place. Why? Why would the Lord want me to run the Chicago marathon ALONE? I don't really know but I'm excited to find out. My best friend from highschool and her husband live there and so does my good friend Jaime from college, so hopefully I can visit them while I'm there. Kanute and I have been running at least 3 times a week down here. This morning we ran between 4 and 4.5 miles in 51 minutes. I've got a long way to go, pray that I stick with this- who wants to waste $90?

Grace upon Grace

2006-06-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of my second week down here at SBP. It's been so good for me. I'm learning so much, mostly about extending grace to people. I've been frustrated more than once with different people down here and how they spend their time, or their ministry philosophy, or the way that they view God. I stayed up late one night last week journaling violently about a particular situation, and the next day God really convicted my heart about my lack of love. My sin and frustration is just as disgusting as their sin. The thing that makes me the most hurt and upset is feeling like someone is judging me but it seems like it's the first thing I run to when people's actions or ideas don't line up with mine. God is slowly breaking me, there are so many people down here that don't believe that God loves them (myself included). They are trying so hard to prove themselves to Him and to everyone else. It seems like everyone I talk to is dealing with self-hatred and guilt. What they need from me is not a condemning speech about how they really need to believe in the grace of God. They need to see me love them unconditionally whether they fail or succeed, whether they think they way I do or not, whether they look down on me, ignore me, or think that I'm great. Lord help me to accept people in process. I need Your love. I need Your love. I need Your love. This is not about me. I need Your love. Love wash over a multitude of things.

Wedding Crashers

2006-05-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night and I'm supposed to be packing to go to SBP but I'd rather blog. Today was really stinkin' funny. This morning I went to a wedding with Matt, mistake #1 (j/k). I'm getting ready this morning and for some reason I start to feel weird (women really do have intuition). I'm thinking it might be really weird for me to be at this wedding, eventhough I'm supposed to be Matt's date (plutonic of course). I 'm sort of distant acquaintances with the couple (but definitely not close enough for them to invite me to their wedding)and they know me and Matt don't date so I'm thinking they might just think I randomly showed up. So when I get in the car I say, "Matt, you don't think people will think it's weird that I'm at this wedding?". To which he replies, "No way, you're my date." So I assume all is well. We get there and sit down on the back row and it's seriously like the smallest wedding I've ever been to. Matt leans over and whispers "There's like nobody here" so I reply, "I know I feel really weird since I wasn't directly invited". Then he says, "Well, they didn't send me an invitation but I saw them out one night and they told me I could come". AAAAAAAAAAh! Who invites a date to a wedding they really weren't invited to. I felt so awkward, I told him we weren't allowed to eat any food since we weren't real guests - but I changed my mind after I saw the food and I think we were one of the only people who went back for seconds. My old friend Boojie was there and it was so good to talk to him but he made so much fun of me for being at the wedding that I think most of the guests knew I was an impostor. There was this seperate room where the bride and groom were cutting the cake and it was really small so they were like the wedding party can go in and any guests that will fit. The two of us stayed at the table and ate seconds until we were the only ones left in the reception area and we felt obligated to go into the cake room and talk to people. Matt greeted the couple but I hung back on the wall because I seriously didn't know what I would say - "Hey I mean I know we've only talked like twice but I'm super glad you guys got married", or "I was really hungry and I thought it'd be fun to get dressed up and get a free lunch - thanks for putting this thing on". I'm never going to be able to look that couple in the eye again, good thing they won't be living in Birmingham. Living on the edge baby!

I'm scared

2006-05-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

I leave for SBP on Sunday and I'm scared I don't have what it takes to be faithful, do a good job and love all those girls this summer. It's true, I don't have what it takes. But thank God that the salvation and sanctification of all the girls I'll come in contact with is not up to me, it's up to God. I get scared alot and it's mostly because I see a task I've gotta accomplish and I see the depth of my inadequacy and I have a mini meltdown. But God is able, He's able to use sinners like me. Lord help me to focus on Your strength and power and stop trusting in myself, cause both of us know that I'm weak.

On blogs...

2006-05-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like there has been much controversy recently about the inherent goodness of blogging. I've been thinking about it a little so I thought I'd voice my opinion. The blog in itself has no inherent goodness or evil. I have heard it said that blogs are self-indulgent. Blogs are not self-indulgent, people are self-indulgent and admittedly, sometimes the things they write on blogs are self-indulgent. Sometimes the things I say out loud are self-indulgent, that doesn't mean I'm not going to talk. If that were the rule the world would be silent. It can be annoying to read people's self-indulgent blogs and honestly it can be annoying to read my own self-indulgent blogs. I'm like- why did I write that! But whether I write it in my journal or for all the world to see I'm still going to feel it and eventually write it. It's part of the process, we're not perfect. Why not share you uncensored thoughts and ideas with your friends and let them shoot you straight. I have also heard it said that blogs serve as a substitute for real relationships. I don't know if I agree with that because I don't personally know anyone who sits at home and reads blogs on Saturday nights in the place of going out with friends. But I do know lots of people who read the blogs of friends who live far away and are able to keep in touch with them better and more frequently without awkward small talk and phone chatter. So keep blogging, feel free to say what you think is deep and what you feel deeply even if you end up looking stupid or sounding stupid it will give the rest of us opportunities to extend grace to you.

Rotten eggs

2006-05-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf universe"- C.S. Lewis. I listened to this guy talk about evil and ethics today while I was driving home to GA and I thought this quote was so good that I wrote it down as I was driving. That probably wasn't the safest decision I've ever made but oh well. I think the thing that keeps hitting me like a wave is that the world is so bad. Everyone looks like they're happy and they've got it together but if you ask them about their families or what's really going on in their lives, most people are one step shy of falling apart. I mean I feel like that sometimes and I'm a Christian. I think deep down everyone knows something is wrong with their hearts. It is impossible for anyone to do something with absolutely no self interest. Even if our motives are 90% pure, that 10% that's doing the good thing just to feel better about ourselves just ruins it. It's like if you were making a massive cake and you had to use 100 eggs- 90 of the eggs were good and 10 of them were bad. The 10 bad eggs ruin all the bad eggs when they're combined. Everyone tries to hide the blackness of their hearts with cute haircuts, good manners, hip clothes, iPods, movies, food- just name your drug of choice. Our hearts are deceived and lulled into a false peace. But pain is God's merciful beckoning to His people to step out of their self-deception and run into His arms. It's crazy when huge disasters like Sept. 11th, or Hurricane Katrina hit believers and non- believers alike cry out to God. Pain is Mercy.

Think about it

2006-05-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

“If the church does not recapture its prophetic zeal, it will become an irrelevant social club without moral or spiritual authority. If the church does not participate actively in the struggle for peace and for economic and racial justice, it will forfeit the loyalty of millions and cause men everywhere to say that it has atrophied its will. But if the church will free itself from the shackles of a deadened status quo, and recovering its great historic mission, will speak and act fearlessly and insistently in terms of justice and peace, it will enkindle the imagination of mankind and fire the souls of men, imbuing them with a glowing and ardent love for truth, justice, and peace. Men far and near will know the church as a great fellowship of love that provides light and bread for lonely travelers at midnight.”
- Martin Luther King, from The Strength to Love

The Year in Review

2006-05-08T06:04:00.000-07:00

Alright! I survived my first year on campus, there were times when I really thought that I wasn't going to make it but God is so faithful. It sure has been interesting, rewarding, and super challenging . Here are some lessons I've learned:

1. I'm no spiritual expert- I've gotta be leaning on the Lord and asking for His wisdom continually or I end up falling on my face.

2. Love is the main thing. We love them and then point them to the Ultimate Love. The biggest thing I want my girls to leave college with is a love and passion for the Lord because if they have that, they will live lives that glorify Him.

3. Don't be intimidated when people seem like they don't want to have anything to do with you. Sometimes those are actually the ones who want to be loved the most. They just don't know it. Love them until they can't do anything but accept you.

4.Simply telling someone truth does not change their heart. Jesus does! You gotta bear with them, love them and live out the gospel in front of them.

5. Don't tell people how to think. When they ask questions, ask them questions and help them come to a conclusion. (I'm still not so good at this).

6. Every student has worth and value. It doesn't matter what their social status is or whether they are a freshman or a senior. If God has placed me in their life, they deserve my time and attention. Their eternal life is alot more valuable than building a "sucessful" ministry for my own glory.

7. Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up- even when it feels like you've screwed everything up! His mercies really are new every morning (so get outta bed Renee).

It's been a good year. I've managed to make more mistakes than I thought was humanly possible but hey I got nothing to lose, right! My eternity is secure so I can take risks and screw up and try again (if I screw up real bad they can just fire me). I'm supposed to be here at Montevallo for 3 more years, and honestly that seems like an eternity to me but Lord help me to take it one day at a time and trust that You have called me here for such a time as this.

Eve

2006-04-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm in bed. My spirits are high but my stomach hurts. This morning blew me away. I'm so glad I was actually in town and able to go to church. God, Justin, and Harry did a little triple team action on my heart. Driving home I was thinking about Eve, mostly because of the cramps I was experiencing but isn't it crazy how us ladies get a monthly reminder of the fall. I really do think of the cramps we get as training contractions. One day when we have babies it'll be a bit more bearable because we've had small deposits of pain every month since puberty. If you think about menstration that way it's beautiful. In order to bring life into the world you've gotta bleed. Whoa, women carry around in themselves a picture of Christ. This side of the fall blood and pain are necessary for physical life and spiritual life.

Food Stamps

2006-04-27T22:31:00.000-07:00

We had a cookout today and the girls were supposed to bring a dessert, so I got up this morning and got the stuff I needed to make my cake cookies. I had most of it at the house but I had to run to the Piggly Wiggly for eggs and cake mix. When I got to the cash register and she finished ringing me up she said "Food Stamps?". I was like "No, debit". She apologized and I told her it was no big deal but I was really pissed off. I left the store thinking- who does she think I am? Some poor black single mom without a job? I wonder if she would've said that if I was white. Why would someone assume for no reason that I was going to use food stamps?

Why did that make me so mad? Do I want to think that I'm better than single black mothers who have to use food stamps? Somehow, it straight up attacked my pride.

If happiness is a choice...

2006-04-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

I'm choosing it. This weekend was amazing. I discovered a new store in the mall, it's called Forever 21. I felt guilty going in I kept thinking - are they going to know that I'm 24? The great thing about Forever 21 is that they've got cute cheap clothes. Friday night I ate some sweet Thai food and danced the night away at a Dave Barnes concert. I think I'm addicted to dancing. Saturday after April's wedding we headed to Tennessee to go white water rafting with 25 students. After we set up camp they turned on some music and I got down again.

Trust

2006-04-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

I've been plagued with deep seated anxiety for the greater part of this year. I feel like I'm just not sure that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. Everytime I sit down at a lunch table with a group of girls I look around and wonder if I should've sat at another table, or if I'm getting out of my comfort zone enough. Questioning and double mindedness have become a way of life for me. I can't seem to enjoy the moment I'm living in because I'm always worried about what I should do or say next or who I really ought to be talking to. I'm not trusting God. I feel this intense pressure to make things happen and I'm being crushed under the weight of it. I can't do it. I can't make a movement happen at the University of Montevallo. I can't make girls come to know the Lord. But I can love the Lord and love these girls. I'm so afraid that the people I work for and with will be dissapointed with my performance and productivity that it's driving me crazy. Lord help me to see that the gospel is true for me even here in this area of my life. I work for Jesus and He is already pleased with my performance because He already made me perfect through His blood. My heart is so resistant to the grace of God.It is so hard for me to believe that He loves me. I want to prove to Him that I can do things for Him, that I really am a faithful follower and He keeps showing me that I can't and that I'm not. God help me to trust You with today and tommorrow, with my job, my love life, my sanctification and growth in holiness, my family, my friends, my weight, and my doubts. I hold onto everything so tightly, but what I need to do is just let it all go and cling to Jesus. "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever because the Lord God is an everlasting Rock."- Isaiah 26:3-4.

"To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace...When a man or woman is truly honest (not just working at it), it is virtually impossible to insult them personally. There is nothing there to insult."- Brennan Manning

2006-04-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

I went running yesterday and today I feel so good. I need to remember this feeling when I don't feel like running. The toilets and tub in my bathroom are stopped up. I tried to unstop the tub with the plunger in my bathroom and it didn't really help but it did pull up a giant hairball. I really need to take a shower but since there's still standing water in my tub and I put that really gross plunger in it, I just can't bring myself to get in there. I don't know what I'm going to do, I'm gonna write on my blog. I don't know if this happens to you but just about every morning this week while I've been reading my Bible I've just about fallen asleep. I hate that, I want to know the Word and hunger and thirst after it. I'm going home this weekend and I'm really excited. I get to see my parents and maybe my siblings. My brother Jason lives in Orlando so I don't get to see him that much. My sister lives in Atlanta and she has just recently gone through a really hard time. One of her close friends just died of cancer. It was crazy, Kevin was in his early 30's and he just got really sick. He was a college professor and he wanted to keep working until he couldn't work anymore. All of his family lives up north so my sister took care of him after work and on the weekends. She was with him when he died two weeks ago. My sister and I aren't super close because of alot of things that have happened in the past but I really do respect her alot. She has been taking care of him consistently for about two years, doing his laundry, cooking for him, helping him make a will, taking him to the store, taking him to doctor's appointments, and doing anything that needed to be done around his house. I couldn't have done it. She's got lots of faults but she really does try to love people in anyway that she can, and I think she's alot stronger than I give her credit for. These next few weeks we're supposed to be doing our best to recruit to SBP, I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job of being persuasive. I really need to be less focused on the quality of my performance and more focused on Christ and where He is leading me. I'm weak but I'm willing. I've been thinking alot about development lately. I think it'd be cool to help the impoverished learn a trade and teach them to be able to support their families, and through all that bring them the gospel. There is a government housing community just down the street from me- How can I help those people? Hmm...I need to think more about all this. Well, I gotta go check and see if the pee infected water in my tub has gone down yet.

It's A Beautiful Day

2006-04-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

Man, the weather is so beautiful today. I'm loving it. I've been thinking alot about living in reality lately. Donald Miller says something like - Reality is a fine wine, it can only be enjoyed by adults. I think that's really true. It's really easy for me to blame my problems on present situations, and the things other people have done when really circumstances only reveal what's in my heart. I'm learning to be real with myself about my sin and what's really going on. So... my room is dirty because I haven't been faithful to put things where they belong, I get discouraged easily because I haven't been faithful to hide the truth in my heart and use it to fight my crazy thoughts, I feel awkward with people sometimes because I'm focused on my own comfort and not on loving the person I'm talking to, I've gained some weight because I've been running to food and not the Lord to make me feel better... and the list goes on. I can look my failures in the face and still be hopeful because God sees me as perfect in Christ. I can't fix myself but I can fix my eyes on Christ and ask Him to change my heart everytime I'm tempted to despair or stray from Him. Lord help me to love You, I mean to really heart and soul and body love You. I'm sick of just saying empty words.

Cover me

2006-04-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

It's bedtime and I feel like writing. I told the girls I meet with to pick a verse to meditate on this week and journal about it every night before bed so I'm gonna do it.

John 15:4-7 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

Abide in me. What does it mean to abide in Jesus? I cannot bear fruit or even live apart from Jesus. If I abide in Him and His words abide in me, I can ask whatever I wish and it will be done for me. Do I abide in Christ? Abiding in Christ- living in Christ, our lives are hidden in Him, His blood covers our multitude of sins, God sees His righteousness and not our filthiness because He has chosen us and caused our hearts to be able to repent and acknowledge our need for a Savior, and believe that He is all we need to be in right relationship with God. Why is it so hard for me to abide in Christ? I'm scared to really believe that the grace of God is really for me. How can you abide in someone who you won't really let love you. Help my unbelief Lord.

...First day back on campus and it's been good but as always there's the undercurrent of guilt. This is bigger than my circumstances, God's got me here and He's holding a mirror up to my heart and it's not pretty. I'm desperately insecure in our relationship so I'm always scared that I'm not doing enough for Him. I know in my mind that Jesus loves me but Lord write it on my heart. I want to be free to stop having to prove that I'm someone through the things I do and start loving other people.

Back on the Scene

2006-03-30T18:13:00.000-08:00

No friends, I haven't died I've just been traveling like a mad gypsy for two weeks. Last week I was in Puerto Rico doing a mini CCP (Cross Cultural Project) for those of you who are fortunate enough to not know the lingo. I got back home Sunday night at 1am, woke up Monday and had lunch with my friend Eli, got back around 1pm and drove some ladies down to Gulf Shores. I just got back from there this afternoon and tommorrow I'll be heading out again for a retreat. But right now I am sitting in my cozy house with my feet propped, up typing on my roomate Katie's computer (I accidently left mine at the beach). I'm wearing my two sizes too big Democratic State Convention t-shirt that I found a few years ago while I was working the weed wacker outside of the boys dorm at Berry College (oh the memories!), and trying trelax. Lately I feel like there have been alot of confusing thoughts running around in my head (not that that's really anything new). Puerto Rico was amazing. I was really scared before I left because I thought that I was going to be expected to be this ministry machine so the college girls would see what it looked like to share the gospel with someone. But it wasn't like that, the guys down there encouraged us to be learners. To really be interested in learning about the culture and the person and not just throw the gospel up on people so we can feel better about ourselves. I had some amazing conversations with girls there. Puerto Rico is in a pretty unique political situation. They are an American Commonwealth which basically means they have to follow our laws but they get no say in Congress. They are the last colony in the world. Alot of the students at the University of Puerto Rico want independence but they all know that Puerto Rico's economy isn't strong enough to stand alone right now. This makes for an interesting spiritual climate. The students know that their needs to be change in their country. I was talking to a girl named Vanette who told me that she was a Socialist and a Marxist. We got to talk alot about how the former USSR tried Communism but it didn't work. It ended up being just a new and creative way for men to exploit and use eachother. I told her that until people's hearts change, political change won't help the real problems. I told her that the only person I knew who could change hearts was Jesus to which she promptly replied- Jesus was a Socialist! I think that's what I'm passionate about - watching this whole freaking crazy world change one heart at a time. I also got to tour two absolutely incredible Art Museums with a girl named Veronica and tell her a little about what the Bible says about free grace while we looked at these beautiful paintings of the Virgin Mary and a bunch of Catholic saints. By the way, seeing all that art in person made me want to cry and quit my job and become an artist. Which of course spawned all these questions in my brain. Does giving your life away automatically mean that you don't do what you love or are sincerely interested in? I know that the need is great overseas, I almost feel selfish for wanting to go back to school. I don't think guilt is a good enough reason to go right now. If eternity is forever and we'll prolly have jobs there, is it selfish to want to do something I'm passionate about other than full time ministry when I could just wait till the kingdom comes? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I mean it's challenging just like any other job and there are some things about it that really eat at me. But I do love the girls here... oh well. These are my thoughts for tonight---much love friends.

Desire

2006-03-09T21:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a good night but a hard night. I'm laying in bed listening to this Ray LaMontagne song called Shelter. If you have a minute please go to his website and check it out, it's like butter. Man, good music stirs up some serious desire in me. There's all this feeling and emotion (which I love because I'm a woman), sometimes I wish I could just make a home right there in the melody. I was reading my old friend Jeb's blog tonight and he was talking about just trying to figure out what he wants out of life and what he really believes. He talked alot about having some kind of ache that he couldn't pinpoint, something that was always just out of reach. I loved it. Regardless of your job or location I've gotta believe that if you're in your early 20's you can relate to that. It's shocking finally enter the monotonous world and see so many people living without passion. I think life should be like dancing barefoot in a field with your arms wide open while the sun sets behind you, but sometimes it's more like rushing to eat Burger King at red light in your car on a freezing day when your heater refuses to work. I don't want to just exist. I want to live hard and take crazy risks and feel the freedom to fall on my face.

This is the last time... until next time

2006-03-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I'm in the shower this morning listening to Marc Broussard- Rocksteady, you know the song, and it hits me. I know why this transition has been so hard for me, I think deep down inside of me I really want life to be this 24 hour party and it's not. Before I got in the shower I was browsing My Space and comparing my life to all the lives of the people I graduated high school with (I know, I know I need to get off the internet and get a real life). But it really brought me face to face with what I really want out of life. I find myself envying all these people who look cooler than me, live in cool cities and have high paying jobs. In my mind I'm thinking it'd be so cool to live in New York have alot of hip friends who really understand me and hang out in coffee shops and bars. I'm so consumed with my own happiness. If I can't be happy here I'm not going to be happy anywhere. I don't understand why God has interrupted the plans I had for my life and I don't understand why He's making me surrender and submit even in this moment (prolly cause He loves me but I don't always believe it). It's so funny, yesterday I talked to like 8 different girls about trusting God and I'm the one who really needs to do it. I hate that I've become so cynical in some ways. Life was always such beautiful excitement to me even in college. I had so much hope for adventure and endless possibility. The last 2 years have been like crazy culture shock. But I need to trust that this is my adventure for now. The big question is: what was I made to do? I always write about discontentment and that sucks so I'm gonna try to stop but no promises. I've gotta get this monster conquered.

“Were the sky always without a cloud and the ocean without a ripple the believer would not know so well the God with Whom he has to do; for alas, we know how prone the heart is to mistake the peace of circumstances for the peace of God. When everything is going smoothly and pleasantly—property safe, our business prosperous, our children carrying on agreeably, our residence comfortable, our health excellent—everything in short, just to our mind (liking), how apt we are to mistake the peace which reposes upon circumstances for that peace which flows from the realized presence of Christ. The Lord knows this; and therefore He comes in , one way or another, and stirs up the nest, that is, if we are found nestling in circumstances, instead of in Himself.”
CH Mackintosh

Free Morning

2006-02-22T07:14:00.000-08:00

It's Wednesday! On Wednesday mornings I'm free. There's nothing on the schedule so until 10am I can do whatever the heck I wanna do. This morning I got up and went to breakfast with Ashton. We ate omletes and hashbrowns (diet what?!) and talked about life and Jesus. I really enjoyed myself. I'm seeing more and more in my life that I am highly resistant to discipline and hardship. I guess I just don't enjoy doing things that aren't that fun. I just want to be completely free. I was driving home from campus yesterday thinking how much I'd love to have an arranged marriage to the man of my dreams, live on and island where the weather is perfect and people really love eachother, and be able to eat anything I want and have the perfect body. Unfortunately none of that stuff really exists but my soul really does long for that kind of love and perfection, amd since I can only get that kind of thing from Jesus part of me is like, "Jesus take me now, cause this life ain't easy." Yesterday I was talking to Joey and Stacee, who are both foreign soccer players. They were talking about how American culture is so different from the how things are in Europe. When you get your social security number at about 14 years old you are expected to work and pay for your stuff. They think that alot of American college students are immature because they have everything handed to them all their lives. Childhood extends itself from infancy to the time you graduate college at 22 years old in alot of cases. It was really interesting and I think extremely true in my case. I don't think I was spoiled rotten or anything but I was spoiled. I'm a daddy's girl and my dad made sure that I had everything that I needed and wanted in most cases. Growing up is hard to do. Yesterday I took my car to get an oil change for the first time ( my dad usually changes my oil himself) I felt like such a big girl. I really need to decide what kind of life I want to live, I want to be free and do as I please but if I really do exactly what I want it's bound to be self-destructive. Lord change my desires help me to love to do what I ought to do.

Takin' it back to the Old School

2006-02-16T08:16:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm always learning things in waves. It's that simple fundamental stuff everyone knows that just hits me all of a sudden in truth and experience. Life is a mental game. I think so much of the way I think, feel ,and react to things depends on what I'm believing at the moment. God's been showing me alot about my lack of belief lately. I've been really frustrated with myself because I'm just not the girl I want to be. Our staff team had to speak at this missions conference last night, and as we're standing up there giving our presentation about what we do I'm thinking, "I'm such a phony." I mean, yes I want to be evangelizing agressively, pushing forward and equipping students to share their faith for a lifetime, but I'm just not perfect at what I do (in fact sometimes I just suck). Most days I'm doing good to just love people, get into a conversation, and start talking about spiritual things. Lately I feel like I've had a real lack of boldness and it's been eating me up inside. Two mornings ago I was spending time in the Word and in prayer and I was really upset. And for the first time in a while God let the gospel really hit me. He loves me, He really loves me even when I feel like I'm sinking. My standing before God and my worth as a person do not depend on how well I perform for His kingdom. I desperately want to be loved but at the same time I don't want to use grace as a crutch for laziness. This is a real brick wall kind of barrier in my life. I'm scared that if I really truly believe that Jesus loves me all the time my performance is going to hit an all time low. But at the same time, not believing is killing me because I live under this constant undertow of guilt and self-reproach- No matter what I do, it's not enough. Everybody talks about Paul and how after his Damascus Road experience he's like this super-apostle who fights the good fight and always stays true to the faith by saving hundreds fearlessly with the power of God. I'm not going to lie, Paul intimidates me. I identify more with Abraham who receives God's promise of a son and a nation but still has unbelief in his heart. He strikes out on his own and tries to create an heir for himself from a surrogate wife because he didn't believe in the fullness of God's promise, and his sin still affects us today through the warring nations. Thank the Lord that inspite of his sin and unbelief God still calls him righteous. This is just where I am, back at square one trying to sing "Jesus loves me, yes I know because the Bible tells me so" and trust that His love will never leave me.

24

2006-02-07T23:26:00.000-08:00

It's been my birthday for about an hour and 25 minutes. Maybe it's a little vain or just straight up silly, but I'm excited. This is like New Year's Day for my life. It's so funny, I growing up my family never made a big deal about birthdays. Every year we got pizza, a cake, a card, and a 20 dollar bill, and I like it that way. I got home tonight and I saw that it was after midnight so I opened the card my parents sent me, and enclosed with their love and signatures was a crisp 20. Whoo hoo!

The reality of my adult life is so different from anything I imagined as a child. I remember when I was growing up I'd hear my mom and dad talking about the hardships of life and in my mind I was always thinking, "It won't be that way for me". I thought life was going to be this like unbelievably passionate explosion of feeling, and that I'd never be sad or afraid. I was wrong.

A few days ago I got into a tift with my best friend. I think it's the first passionate disagreement we've ever gotten into, and we've known eachother for a long time (for some reason I'm really diggin' on the word passionate tonight). The thing that I love about her is that she always makes me think, even now when I don't entirely agree with her point of view. I'm just excited that we were both able to stand our ground and be completely honest. I mean there was no real resolution but I think we both know where the other person stands and that we're going to love each other no matter what. I hope things aren't weird for long, she's the most dedicated phone caller in my life right now.

I started this rigorous diet last Thursday and since I've been on it I've been thinking about whether or not I really want to look like pre-baby Britney Spears. Not that, that really is a possibility or anything but I mean it's weird I sort of want to look like everyone else in a way. Why can't I be satisfied with the size that I am? Hmm, maybe that's just my hungry tummy talking- who knows?

Alright I'm shivering and tired, but it's my new year!

Fresh Ponderings

2006-01-29T15:29:00.000-08:00

Oh friends! The ice is finally melting and I feel like I'm slowly coming up out of my two week slump (if you want to know what's been going on ask me, it's too boring for the blog). Anyways I'm reading this really interesting book called Total Truth by:Nancy R. Pearcy. The book is basically about Christian worldview, which is a topic that's really rocking my mind right now. Every semester my job requires me to do some kind of personal development so I'm reading this book and a couple of others and I'm going to write a paper on an aspect of worldview. I'm planning on writing my paper on the indispensability of gospel worldview as the fuel for world redemption through every vocation. If you have an opinion or can think of anything that might help me, let me know.

Here is a little sample of what I've been thinking about:
As a student I had the false perception that ministry jobs were somehow more spiritual than secular jobs. I thought that if I went into full-time ministry I’d somehow have a better shot at following Christ in the long run, and I guess I just thought that full-time ministry is what really committed Christians who walk with God do. And I was right, but I failed to realize that every Christian who truly has the mind of Christ is engaged in full-time ministry everyday. God has called every believer to continue His work of redeeming every area of life for His glory.
Our culture has somehow sold Christians the lie that if we are free to have bible studies, prayer meetings, and evangelistic outreaches that’s enough. Christian scientists, engineers, teachers, artists, and surgeons have been tricked into leaving their faith at the door as they enter into their 8 hour work day, accepting popular thought as neutral/ objective truth instead of using what they know and believe about God as the framework for their particular jobs. As a result Christian students think that the only way they can express their faith through their work is to be a preacher, campus minister, or a missionary. The church has been robbed of it’s arms and legs and subsequently lost its relevance in today’s culture, while churches and para-church ministries have unknowingly adopted cultural practices.

I HATE FLIRTING

2006-01-13T14:53:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I hate being a girl. What other species of human being overanalyzes just about every normal social interaction that takes place in their lives.Yes, Yes there is this guy. Doesn't it always start that way, we flirt alot and I hate it. But secretly I like it ( I'm a glutton for punishment). Flirting sucks, I like things that are black and white and flirting is definitely grey. Some people flirt with only those that they like, and other people spill over with flirtacious energy and splash every member of the opposite sex with two legs. Either way, when someone flirts with you, you never know if there is any real interest there. I don't know how it is for guys but for girls, if the guy is a growing Christian, moderately attractive, and shows continued flirtacious attention we usually decide that he might just be an ideal dating partner. This is all very dangerous because as I'm learning slowly and painfully, flirting communicates absolutely nothing besides the fact that both parties have raging hormones. While the skilled flirter thinks that flirting will calm that rage, in fact flexing that flirtacious muscle only leaves people frustrated. There is this subtle deception, this mask we're dancing behind. You say all these flattering things behind the guise of joking and you can't help but wonder if there isn't just a little truth behind all that laughter. If you want to tell me that you want to date me, tell me. If that's the last thing you'd want to do, don't joke about it. If you're not sure but it might be a possibility in the future, again say nothing until you know. I want to marry a man who realizes the power of his careless words and actions and respects me enough to put himself on the line and tell me the truth about the way he feels. Lord, help me to be that kind of woman. It's so much easier to trade cheap silly attention for waiting faithfully and patiently for the Lord to bring along the right man at the right time.

Trapped

2006-01-12T14:24:00.000-08:00

That's just what kind of day I'm having. I feel like lounging all night and staying home but I can't. I gotta go out and work. I think the hours are the hardest thing for me. All my relaxing time gets split up so I don't ever really feel rested. This morning I met with someone at 8am then came home, 12pm then came home, 3pm and then came home and I'm having dinner with one of the girls at 5pm and I'm going stay out till prolly 11pm. Lord help me! I feel like I still don't exactly know what I'm doing or what I'm even supposed to do and I sorta wanna cry and put on my pj pants but that ain't in the cards for me tonight(at least not till later). LORD CHANGE MY HEART!

It's a Wonderful Life

2005-12-24T18:21:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve and I'm hanging out in the living room with my mom watching "It's a Wonderful Life." Half-way through the movie I knew I had to grab the ole' laptop because anyone who knows anything about me knows I've got to write if I'm going to process anything. I've seen this movie a hundred times but it just hit me tonight. George Bailey is this young ambitious guy who wants to travel the world, go to school, and design buildings. Everytime he tries to get out of Bedford Falls, his hometown, he gets roped backed in. When he tries to travel to Europe and go to college, his father dies and he decides to keep The Building and Loan alive rather than let Potter rip off the town. Then his brother Harry graduates and he thinks that Harry will fulfill a promise and take over the family business. But Harry gets married and George decides to free him from his promise. Needless to say George never leaves Bedford Falls to pursue his dreams, and one night when everything seems to be going terribly George decides he wants to commit suicide. An angel saves him by showing him how many lives he's impacted by staying in Bedford Falls and warring against the local money launderer Mr.Potter.
I know that was kinda long and drawn out but it got me thinking. There are so many things I want out of life. I want to travel the world, I want a creative and meaningful job, a family, and just adventure in general. But even if I live the rest of my life out in Alabama and I never really create anything beautiful if can just have an impact on a few people's lives it'll be worth it. Sometimes I just get in this mindset where the grass is always greener. If I could just go to grad school, or move to a big city, or get a boyfriend then life would be perfect. But it just ain't so. It's just another chance for me to submit to God's authority and control in my life. Let not your longings slay your appetite for living!

Rest and Realization

2005-12-21T16:54:00.000-08:00

Aaah yes, you've guessed it. I'm at home in Marietta and I've actually had time to marinate and do some good reading and heart searching. This semester (my first one doing this job that I do) has been hard. I've learned so much about myself and the nature of humanity. I don't know all that much about God, and I thought I did before this semester. I can't show up and make things happen, and I thought I could before this semester. I'm frail, fragile, and broken, and I don't really think I thought I was before this semester. There's been a void and I think the void has been the tangible experience of the grace of God. I've been so busy worrying about what to have girls study, and figuring out how to share the gospel in such a way that will make someone want to accept Christ that I've forgotten about experiencing Christ myself. As a result there's been this unquenchable hunger and thirst for love that's made me cry at movies, sigh at happy couples, and look at the Bible skeptically because it doesn't have arms to hold me with. I've been so hurried, anxious, and cynical that I've overlooked Christ. But I can behold Him in the faces of my dear friends, feel Him in the wind that envelopes me, and smell him in that chai tea that tempts me. When did I stop looking at the world with awe and wonder?

“My personal experience of the relentless tenderness of God came not from exegetes, theologians, and spiritual writers, but from sitting still in the presence of the living Word and beseeching Him to help me understand with my head and heart His written Word. Sheer scholarship alone cannot reveal to us the gospel of grace. We must never allow the authority of books, institutions, or leaders to replace the authority of knowing Jesus Christ personally and directly. When the religious views of others interpose between us and the primary experience of Jesus as the Christ, we become unconvicted and unpersuasive travel agents handing out brochures to places we have never visited.” – Brennan Manning (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

Fork in the Road?

2005-12-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

There's this Jim Elliot quote that says something like: I want to be a fork in the road where people are forced to make a decision either for Christ or against Him. I know I botched it up but you get the general idea. Well, I really want to be that kind of a person but I'm just not. I get opportunitites to share the gospel with students just about everyday and I share the gospel alot but I don't know how to bring anyone to a point of decision. I've never led anyone to Christ. I can tell girls what I believe but just about every girl I talk to tells me she's a Christian eventhough so many times I suspect that they're not. I shared my concerns with my boss in my weekly report and he sent me this little quote, "What do you do with a doctor who says the right things when you are with them but never prescribes any medicine?" Crap. Lord help me to do your gospel justice by doing what I can to point out people's need for You. This is where it gets offensive Lord so give me boldness not only to share truth but to help people figure out where they are in the process of salvation. Cause me to believe in your love for me through Christ despite my continued failures and shortcomings.

Fighting that midsemester apathy

2005-11-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

Well, tonight I'm sitting on the comfy green couch in my living room and having a rather good time laughing and joking around with my roomies.Our dog Lou is even on her best behavior tonight, she's fast asleep in doggie dreamland. Ginny and Alisa just helped me cut about 40 recipes out of old issues of Cooking Light. I'm determined to become more domestic, heck by the end of the year I'll be a regular gourmet. I love food I never really lose my taste for it. I just wish the same could be said for my relationship with God. I get so frustrated sometimes with myself because it seems like I can't feel Him anymore. I remind myself of truth over and over again but sometimes it just seems stale. Here's the truth people, I screw up about a million times a day. I mean it's my job to share the gospel with students and help them grow into maturity. That all sounds so noble but the truth is I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not all that mature myself. There are so many questions I don't know the answers to, so many problems that I don't know how to solve, and so many girls I haven't figured out how to connect with. Every night I come home with the sneaking suspicion that I haven't done enough and it creeps down into me so deep that I start believing that Jesus is dissapointed with me and I doubt that God can really use me here. I start thinking that God is a pissed off boss that's ready to fire me for misrepresentation. But on the other hand I've never needed Jesus more. Everytime I share the gospel and I'm one of the ones who leaves confused, everytime I'm overwhelmed with helplessness when I hear about the depression and desperation someone is experiencing and I feel shallow when I offer up my Jesus loves you, everytime I see girls who I think will never like me- it drives me into His arms.

On Love and Sweatpants

2005-11-11T20:41:00.000-08:00

It's 10:30pm on a Friday night and guess what I'm doing? You guessed it! I'm lying here in bed wearing my warm fleece sweat pants contentedly typing on my laptop. I don't think there's anywhere else I'd rather be. All the roomates are out and about tonight so the house is pretty quiet and I'm loving it. When you work hard all week sometimes it's just nice to be able to bum around the house and be completely silent. In my line of work I have to do alot of talking and listening so it's nice sometimes to not have to do either. Today one of my friends told me that I needed to find a husband. I'm pretty sure that he was joking around as far as the wording of his suggestion goes but it kind of got me thinking. Being a girl is a funny thing. Our role in the whole relationship thing is to be a responder. The boy is interested, he shows interest and begins to pursue us, then and only then is it okay for us to let the cat out of the bag about how we feel. It can be a frustrating place to be, especially for me. I think that I must be the world's worst responder. I went on a blind date a while back with this incredible guy who was simple and witty, he'd just graduated from seminary and wanted to do ministry in China. The date went really well and I could tell that he was at least mildly interested by the way that he looked at me. But at the end of the date before he could do anything I just kind of shook his hand, accidentally denied him a hug and got into the car without really letting him initiate the ending of the date. I'm crazy. About 5 minutes later I realized what I did and there was no way to erase it. I didn't have his phone number and I hadn't even given him the opportunity to ask for mine and I had no way to go back and tell him that I really liked him despite my irrational behavior. Oh well, I've got to believe that God knows what He's doing. I'm convinced it will be a miracle if I get married. I'm not saying that in a negative way. It's just that I'm pretty guarded and cautious, I live in Smallville, Alabama and I'm a crazy black girl that hangs out with alot of white suburbanites. The cards just aren't stacked in my favor but I'm praying for a Boaz. Lord help me to believe that You've got me right where you want me right now and that the most satisfying love I can experience is the love of Christ. Be still my soul.
"Most of the noise in our souls is generated by our attempts to control the uncontrollable. We grasp after the wind. We rage, fear, and finally despair. . . . Be still, my soul. All that is hard now will be forgotten amid love's purest joys. This slight, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison (2 Cor. 4:17). Psalm 131 lives with eyes open." (excerpted from chapter four)- David Prowlison (Seeing with New Eyes)

Submission

2005-10-19T21:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight was amazing, we sponsored this panel discussion on the topic, "Who is responsible for Katrina". It all boiled down to the fact that God is ultimately responsible for it, and if He is responsible can He be good? One professor said yes and that God has purposes that we can never fathom and the other guy of course said no and that God was a monster he'd never invite into his living room. He also demanded that God give an account for His actions. It was crazy,as I listened to the God-hater guy I really felt my heart drawn to his argument. I completely understood why people would think that God was evil. I mean He creates people specifically for destruction. I think I've been wrestling with this whole concept since I've been here in Montevallo but I just didn't want to admit it. My flesh flares up and wants to call God into account for every death, every rape, every child who starves to death or freezes to death because He's the only one that has the power to stop it all and He doesn't. I was thinking about all this stuff while I was walking to a bible study on campus and God hit me with it. I need to submit. He doesn't make this whole worshipping Him thing easy. He makes it hard, and mysterious, and seasoned with these crazy potholes that we can't wrap our brains around. I don't know why some people will spend eternity in hell and why I'm not one of them. It's just another opportunity to be humbled and realize the limits of my intelligence in respect to an all-knowing God. I'm dumb and I'll never be able to figure out the mind of the Lord and I really want to love Him.

But who are you, O man, to talk back to Go? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'Does not the potterhave the right to make out of the same lump of claysome pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

Rockin' the Frat House

2005-10-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my first fraternity party, the Delta Chi Indian party. I've gotta admit that I had a great time getting all dressed up and the party was fun, the typical mix of college students mingling and getting drunk. It brought me back to my early college days. Freshman year me and my friends would get dressed up and go out dancing and just hope to meet cool people. We wanted to belong. I remember I spent most of my time during those nights comparing myself to other girls and feeling ugly, fat, and uninteresting because guys weren't just dying to talk to me or dance with me. That's what I saw tonight in the faces of those girls at the party. They want to belong, they want someone to show them that they're beautiful and worth it, they're out to prove that they've got something that no other girl in the room can offer, they're gauging their every action by the reactions of the people they think they desperately need love from, and I know that all of that is exhausting. I didn't know what to do tonight. I saw alot of girls that I've met and I made sure to at least say hi to them or give them a hug but I felt kind of helpless. I didn't want to cling onto anyone and I think that my desire not to be a burden may have communicated to some of them that I'm not really interested in deepening our relationship. When I left I said goodbye to one of my staff partners and he looked at his watch and said, "Lightweight". It made me feel bad, like I wasn't doing my job well because I left at midnight and I could've hung around later. I don't know, maybe I should have stayed. There's definitely no rule book for this job that tells me when I should push myself and when it's ok to go on home but I do have a relationship. I'm finding more and more that it's harder to draw near to Jesus than it is to adhere to the list of rules I've erected in my mind but Jesus is sweeter, warmer, and a hundred times more full of grace than my cold self-regulations.

Life is....

2005-09-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

I moved down here to Montevallo about two weeks ago and life has been going 90 to nothing since I've been here. I've met a ton of students and God has really blessed me with good conversations and lots of opportunities to share my faith. God has also opened some doors for ministry in places I'd never expect. Two students who are involved in our ministry are partnering with me to start a bible study in Chi Omega (a sorority), and a book discussion about Blue Like Jazz in the Art Department. I'm so excited to see what God is going to do. I've got to admit that it's a little lonely here though, it's funny how eventhough I'm surrounded by students and my staff partners everyday all day I can feel alone. I think it's because I don't know anyone really well yet and I'm just used to having these deep friendships with my friends from home. It'll be okay it's only the second week, I'll connect with some people and get more fully adjusted. I gotta keep in mind that every friendship starts at the beginning and I just moved to a place where I don't know a bunch of people. There's just not a distinct seperation between my work and my personal life. It's hard for me to know what work is. I find myself living in guilt alot of the time because I feel like I'm not doing enough but I'm not exactly sure what more to do, and it feels like I'm on the go all day and all night. I have to miss Mountain Day this year because we're going on a whitewater rafting trip this weekend and I wish I could go see my friends but God is sovereign. I'm a little confused about some stuff right now. When Jesus commands us to deny ourselves, does that mean we shouldn't pursue the things that we are passionate about in life but instead just seek to meet others needs and lead people to Christ? How can I figure out how to give all I have and be poured out like a drink offering but still keep from losing myself completely? Or is losing yourself completely the point? I'm tempted to say that I don't even know who I am tonight but I do know that I am a daughter of God and that He accepts me completely because of Christ but what does that mean? Does that mean that I ought to spend every minute that I'm not doing ministry reading my bible, praying and meditating on scripture? Right now I just don't feel like I have much of a life or much freedom and I don't know whether it's just my flesh feeding me lies or whether this is something I need to do something about. Quiet my soul Lord and teach me to make them most of my time.

Rounding the finish line

2005-09-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

Well, something big happened today. I'm now officially at 103.9% of my support goal through no fault of my own. As soon as the office verifies my numbers I should be able to high tail it to the University of Montevallo's campus. I'm really excited in a mellow sort of way. I guess when something has been this hard and this long it's kinda hard to believe that it's really true. I'm relieved but I think I'll be more relieved when I get the official go-ahead from my boss and our office guy. My main fear right now is that they will be like, "Well Renee since you're so close to 105% why don't you just stay home till you get that extra $27.08 pledged." But no matter what happens I'm certainly learning to trust the Lord. It's crazy at church yesterday the speaker talked about how incredibly large the know universe is and how in comparison how small the world is, much less us personally. And if the universe is just one of the things that God has created then He must be inexpressibly big, and big isn't even a good word for it. We're less than dust when compared with just the mere size of God, probably even less than the size of cells. "And these are but the outer fringes of His works; how faint the whisper we hear of Him! Who then can understand the thunder of His power?" Job 26:14. So many times I've tried to figure out why God didn't allow me to raise support more quickly but so much has happened that I wouldn't have expected this year. I've learned so much and it's been so good for me to be where I am, but I'm glad that my time here is coming to a close. There's nothing more humbling than for an independent, free- spirited person who's bent on changing the world to graduate from college and spend an entire year living at home with their parents, begging people to invest financially in the mission that they're passionate about. Maybe I shouldn't say it was humbling it was more than that it was sobering. It's been hard, but it's been a privilege and I feel like God has tempered me in so many ways. More than anything I guess I've learned that life is not easy and I'm going to have to fight to hang onto my sanity and my relationship with Jesus. Sometimes things seem so bad that I get lost in despair and part of me forgets that there really is a loving God who cares so much about us, eventhough we're smaller than dust to Him, that He sent His Son into this sin stained world. A world that refuses to believe in its own smallness, a world too wrapped up in paper money and Mercedes to see that in the big scheme of things fame and fortune are insignificant. Isn't it funny that in cities where the biggest edifices of human acheivement are in place, it's hardest to see the night stars that tell of the vastness of God's creation. He sent Jesus into all of this and Jesus blew alot of people away (either they loved Him or hated Him) because He said that the things we value and idolize so much here on earth don't matter too much. He said crazy things like "People that are really blessed are poor in spirit, people that mourn, the meek, people that hunger and thirst for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and people who are persecuted because of righteousness." (Matthew 5:1-10 paraphrased). His life was a model for us in how we ought to live. He lived righteously despite persecution and then died a violent death in order that the very people who persecuted Him might come into intimate communion with the Father He loved above all. That's beautiful. Lord let my life be one of death so that people might know You. Let us fall upwards into the night sky and realize how tiny we are.

Out of the Depths

2005-09-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

Well, tonight I'm back to the drawing board. For the second time in a two week span I thought I was at 100% of my support goal. Last night I was so excited and more than a little bit euphoric, but the crap hit the fan when I plugged all my numbers in the support spreadsheet today. I never liked spreadsheets, and I've got to admit I was really reluctant to trust this one. I calculated and recalculated my support total about 10 times but I'm still short about $80 a month. I could've made it look like I had 100% of my goal through this really shady method I won't even go into but just know I was more than tempted (I almost did it). I've been raising support for over a year and I'm ready for it to be over (in this off-campus form anyway). But I know that God has a million different reasons for having me where I am right now. Let me just tell you, my house is a zoo right now. Three of my cousins and my aunt, who are refugees from New Orleans, are living with my dad, mom, sister and I. It would've been so much easier for me to just fudge my sheets and escape this crowded house well, no that's not true. I don't think I would've been able to sleep easy in Montevallo knowing that I'd knowingly lied so that I could do "ministry" more quickly. I wouldn't have been able to share the gospel freely with anyone knowing that I'd taken matters into my own hands and played God. I'm learning alot about what trusting the Lord entails. Today I felt like David when he was waiting for God to fulfill His promise and make Him king of Isreal. He was hiding out deep in a cave when King Saul happened to stop in the cave and go to the bathroom. David could have killed him but he stopped himself because he knew that the Lord never violates His law to carry out His promises and purposes. God will make an honest woman of me yet. It's crazy, I told alot of my friends that I was done and now I'm going to have to explain again. I really really don't want to. It might be one of those weeks when I just don't answer my cellphone. I was talking to my mom tonight and just telling her about all the stupid things I've done like lose a $200 check, miscalculate my support twice, and blow up in front of my cousin. Just talking things out with her reminded me that the gospel is not for the well but the sick. "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance" Luke 5:31. Tonight I'm a sick, sick sinner ( I guess I am every night, I'm just realizing it more tonight) but I am more grateful for my Jesus who knows about all my clutsiness, and all the times I've rammed my car into things, lost important papers, said the wrong thing at the wrong time, was too lazy to balance my checkbook and bounced 3 checks in a row, and He still pursues me with His unconditional love in spite of everything. He loves me with the passion and recklessness that drove Him to spill out His precious blood for all my rebelliousness. I don't know why, but He wants all the love that's in this dirty, callous heart. Lord make me like Moses tonight who "regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. (Heb11:26)". Piper says, “Knowing all that Christ promises to be for you both now and forever is the power to take whatever suffering love costs.” If it costs me one more week of what seems to be pointless monotony, embarassment, and discomfort in order for girls at the University of Montevallo to see and experience Christ's love through my life, I'll take it.

"The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through His own blood. Let us, then go to Him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace He bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come." - Hebrews 13:11-14

Soul Grinding

2005-09-06T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been another day of not so labor intensive support raising. Good news friends, I ran 2 and a half miles at the park today. I can't wait till I start seeing the results of all of this running. I think if I'd quit eating so much sugar I might see them just a little faster (he he). Today had its upsides and its downsides. I made a lunchtime support appointment for tommorrow with one of my friends from high school that I haven't really talked to in an incredibly long time. I also called one of the elders from a church I've been asking about support for a while and he's going to let me speak in their church service next Sunday so that I can ask people in the congregation to support me. I think the church in general is also going to come on my support team too, I hope so at least. But on the flip-side I had a $40 a month supporter drop off my team today and I was kinda bummed. I've gotta trust the Lord though, I just can't worry myself about what I can't control. I believe that God really does cause all things to work for His glory and our good but it's just hard sometimes for me to understand. Sometimes I really feel like there's this constant grinding going on in my soul. If things don't work out the way that I want them to I'm so quick to ask God what I'm doing wrong and so I spend weeks sometimes living under the dark cloud of condemnation. The truth is that I am probably doing something wrong because I can't seem to live a minute of my life perfecly. I get nervous and fumble over my words when I make calls, I forget to send people thank you cards, and I give into despair and cry on a regular basis. But I think I just haven't come to terms with my own depravity and God's unmerited mercy through Jesus. Everytime I see a glimpse of the blackness of my soul it throws me into despair. I don't want to believe I'm really THAT bad. In reality I'm far worse than I could ever imagine (in the paraphrased words of Tim Keller), but God's grace is far deeper, wider, and longer than I've ever dared to dream. I always think that if I could have done a better job here or there than I would be done by now. I think, If I could just perform perfectly than God will give me everything I desire. But nothing could be further from the truth. My loving Father marked out everyday of this process before a day of it came into existence. He's just as interested in the journey as He is in the results. So yes, raising support has been hard and I've made millions of mistakes. But when I finally make it to Montevallo it will be by the sheer grace of Jesus Christ not because I've done anything especially bold, brave or valiant. These are the truths that strengthen my soul and prepare it for another day of being thrown on the brillo pad.

Revving it on up!

2005-09-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

Alright, Wow! I'm off to the races. I'm excited about having this new outlet for my thoughts. Right now life's got me in a very interesting place. I'm waiting. I feel like my whole life there's been an agenda and a pace like, "Ok, Renee here's what comes next." But right now there are no clear cut answers, no guarantee of any kind of completion date, and no blue print for what my life is supposed to look like. It's a little scary, a little exciting, and a little frustrating. All I can do is cling to my Savior and trust in His promises.

" Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to posess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
- The Valley of Vision

2005-09-04T11:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, it's me and I'm excited!